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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think her her need for respect doesn’t trump mine?

243 replies

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:11

Prefacing this by saying I know this isn’t the end of the world and it’s not a war but it’s just really getting on my tits if I’m honest.

I have a family member (let’s call her H) who is very very religious, married an equally religious man, and is raising equally religious kids. Fine, I respect that - our beliefs are different but that’s more than ok, I am actually deeply interested in other peoples religions and cultures and find it makes for interesting conversations 95% of the time.

however, I feel like my whole family feel like everyone should dance to her tune just because of her beliefs.

example: a family holiday has been proposed. H won’t be happy for me (an adult and a mother) to drink/get drunk, wear anything revealing such as a tie string bikini, swear, listen to non-secular music within her ear shot, watch your average TV with her in the room etc. and the rest of my family will expect me to tow the line “because I have to respect H”

H doesn’t respect or listen to my beliefs (which I don’t try and force on anyone or even bring up, it’s only if it comes up in conversation). Says my beliefs are witchcraft and a sin.

other examples are:

  • won’t come to family parties as she doesn’t want to be around alcohol
  • Has opinions on everyone’s clothing (her kids have been known in the past to say people should be ashamed for their short skirts)
  • censors photographs of teenagers in our family with emojis (e.g if they’re wearing a tight T-shirt she’ll put a big flower emoji over the chest area on her social media)
  • tells me she’ll pray for me and actively prays for me to “see the light” and open my heart. I don’t feel comfortable with this.
  • wont allow me to stay over with my partner as we’re not married but we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids (which is absolutely her right as it’s her home, but it kind of sets the undertone for other settings)
  • Thinks being gay is absolutely wrong and sinful and there’s no two ways about it. Despite us having gay people in the family whom she also prays for.
  • has very blatantly spoke about other religions in a less than acceptable way

Whilst I do respect her and her beliefs, AIBU to think she should let me be too? Why should I have to change how I behave just because her religion disapproves? Aside from religion, H as a person is funny, sporty, interesting and outgoing. I know none of what she says is through malice but I’m just feeling really irked at the thought of being censored on this holiday

OP posts:
Goldbar · 27/08/2023 10:57

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:37

Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that. H lives a happy and pretty affluent life so family say her religion has been the making of her therefore we should all agree and fall in line (paraphrasing here)

Show quote history

Just tell your mum that it's H's choice how she lives and it's your choice how you live. You can respect this for H, but she can't respect it for you, therefore no holiday.

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2023 10:59

Do you actually LIKE this woman, @Tonightsthenight91 ? (If so, WHY?)

I'm lapsed Catholic, was raised by a religious mother and moved in Catholic circles as a child, including some very narrow-minded, bigoted types, but struggle to imagine even them behaving in the way you describe.

I'm generally very tolerant and respectful of religious people and their beliefs but I think you've pandered to this one far too much already.

Brefugee · 27/08/2023 10:59

I'd just say "either i can do what i want to relax on this holiday, or i don't come. You choose"

But i wouldn't feel comfortable on a holiday like that

Itick8outof10boxes · 27/08/2023 11:01

Sounds more like control freak to me. If the OP was married / living with someone like this we'd be telling them to head for the hills three days ago.
No way would I spend my hard earned holiday time with someone like this and I certainly do not pander to anyone. Respect to a degree but no more.

SpanielsMatter · 27/08/2023 11:03

She’s not a Christian, she’s a patronising control freak, there is a huge difference.

Taxiii · 27/08/2023 11:06

YABU to consider spending your cash on a holiday where you know you're going to be monitored & made to feel uncomfortable.

I don't think it's even about respect, it's about a lack of tolerance on her part.

Lovely day trip out - fine, if you genuinely enjoy her company, but 7+ days where you want to relax? Nope.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/08/2023 11:07

Why are you even contemplating this holiday? It will just grind your gears, you'll come back with a jaw locked tighter than Fort Knox and an ulcer.

Just as she chooses not to attend family parties, you can choose not to attend family holidays.

I also suggest - and I have done this irl, I'm not doing the MN thing of winding an OP up and setting them up - next time she says she's praying for you, I would very politely say 'thank you for thinking of me, however as praying actively goes against MY belief system, I'd rather that you kept that private between you and your god. It's not something I need to know about.'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/08/2023 11:10

My mum ... says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that

Your mum's right, and AFAICS you do respect her choice. However respect's a two way thing and she doesn't get to attempt to control the way anyone else lives because of her own choices - and they are choices

Frankly I'd be telling her this, though not on the holiday because I wouldn't go.
No need for unpleasantness; just say it gently, and when she comes back with something like "You only think that way because you haven't seen the light" remind her that she might want to consider that not everyone's obliged to share her views

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 11:10

For those wondering why I was contemplating going, it’s because it’s a whole family holiday for the first time ever to one of my favourite holiday destinations. Which I thought could be nice, but thinking about it probably not. I’d probably find it more manageable if everyone else didn’t agree to follow along

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 27/08/2023 11:10

Either don't go on the holiday or go topless

Duvetdayforme · 27/08/2023 11:14

I definitely wouldn’t go.

10HailMarys · 27/08/2023 11:18

I think H would be happier living in a weird compound in rural Arkansas, like the Duggar family. I’m amazed she actually wants to go on holiday with the family at all if she thinks you’re all a bunch of hell-bound sinners!

And yeah, I wouldn’t go on holiday with anyone who took such a fundamentalist approach to any religion.

KajsaKavat · 27/08/2023 11:20

Lentilweaver · 27/08/2023 11:10

Either don't go on the holiday or go topless

THIS is the absolute best suggestion…

StaySpicy · 27/08/2023 11:24

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:37

Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that. H lives a happy and pretty affluent life so family say her religion has been the making of her therefore we should all agree and fall in line (paraphrasing here)

Show quote history

Respecting someone's choice to follow a religion and not wear a bikini/drink/swear etc. is fine.

But that's their choice so doesn't actually mean you have to follow it too. Unless perhaps you're visiting their home or a place of worship.

It sounds like you are respecting her beliefs, but you're saying you don't want her beliefs forced upon you. Which is what she's doing by saying no one on holiday can do x or wear y. So she's not respecting you.

I'd hate to miss out on a family holiday but I'd have to say to everyone that no-one's beliefs should be imposed on others and if anyone can't respect that, they should get their own accommodation or not come. Turn it on her - she's not respecting you and your beliefs/decisions when you are happy to respect her and not impose your way of life onto her.

Arggghhh!! This is making me rage-y on your behalf, OP! I'd have to call her out, I just couldn't forego a family holiday because some bigot and fanatic (hiding behind the label of being a "Christian", because we're not all like this at all!) has decided that it's her way or the highway.

LateAF · 27/08/2023 11:24

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:40

Christianity

Show quote history

Is she in a cult? Even fundamental Christians are usually more tolerant publicly and will reserve those extreme opinions for their fellow church members/ Christians.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/08/2023 11:25

I’m amazed she actually wants to go on holiday with the family at all if she thinks you’re all a bunch of hell-bound sinners!

Thing is, extremists like this often regard these things as an opportunity to showcase their greater moral fibre and "show others the way"

Not something I'd be enabling personally ...

coconutpie · 27/08/2023 11:25

I wouldn't go on holiday but also, I would be going no contact with H.

tensmum1964 · 27/08/2023 11:26

You can respect her right to practice her religion but you don't have to respect the religion itself. Nor do you have to respect the way she imposes her values on others. Why do people think they have a right to respect, it's not a given. Personally I would respectively say, thank you but no thank you. I don't want to spend my time being restricted and curtailed on my holiday. I hope you all have a lovely time but I would rather go on an alternative holiday.
If they criticise you in any way just simply say, please respect my decision as you do hers.

FlamingoQueen · 27/08/2023 11:26

If you go, you’ll be posting on here about your controlling member and wishing you’d never gone!!
Some people just don’t have mutual respect and it sounds very much like she’ll be in charge.
Don't go!

WickedSerious · 27/08/2023 11:27

One of my uncles married a woman like H.Given a choice of cleaning toilets with my tongue or going on holiday with her I'd get licking.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 27/08/2023 11:28

I think we should all try and make allowances for each other but it’s not fair to just make allowances for one person/one family.

I would think the majority rules and it’s up to her to chose whether to join in or not.

It seems a shame to miss out on your family holiday so I would try and compromise somehow and perhaps book accommodation separate from them (or just do what you want and tell her to shut TF up when she starts judging you).

Cheeesus · 27/08/2023 11:30

Gosh. It sounds like something extreme like Plymouth Brethren or Amish, with the objecting to (presume you mean) secular music.
Would it work for them to have a room to withdraw to if someone does something that offends, like (shock) putting the radio on.

crumpet · 27/08/2023 11:30

Can you go but stay separately? Eg in another villa/another hotel? Meet up from time to time but otherwise each group can enjoy themselves as they wish?

LegalAdviceNeededPlease123 · 27/08/2023 11:32

Would your mum be upset at you not going on the holiday? If so, point out that it her lack of respect to you as much as your sister's (I'm guessing) which is making you make this decision. Your mother can pander to her as much as she likes but not to your detriment. Ask her why she is blatantly favouring your relation over you, and does she realise this could destroy your relationship (as happened to me)?

ElFupacabra · 27/08/2023 11:32

Go on the holiday but constantly be in a state of undress, with a cocktail in hand and playing heavy metal on your phone. It’ll ward her off like garlic and vampires from the sounds of it.

Seriously though, if she can’t respect your beliefs but expects you to respect hers there’s no happy holiday here. Don’t go, be very very straight as to why and then go low / no content. She sounds like a toxic person to have around anyway