To think her her need for respect doesn’t trump mine?

[Tonightsthenight91]

Prefacing this by saying I know this isn’t the end of the world and it’s not a war but it’s just really getting on my tits if I’m honest.

I have a family member (let’s call her H) who is very very religious, married an equally religious man, and is raising equally religious kids. Fine, I respect that - our beliefs are different but that’s more than ok, I am actually deeply interested in other peoples religions and cultures and find it makes for interesting conversations 95% of the time.

however, I feel like my whole family feel like everyone should dance to her tune just because of her beliefs.

example: a family holiday has been proposed. H won’t be happy for me (an adult and a mother) to drink/get drunk, wear anything revealing such as a tie string bikini, swear, listen to non-secular music within her ear shot, watch your average TV with her in the room etc. and the rest of my family will expect me to tow the line “because I have to respect H”

H doesn’t respect or listen to my beliefs (which I don’t try and force on anyone or even bring up, it’s only if it comes up in conversation). Says my beliefs are witchcraft and a sin.

other examples are:

• won’t come to family parties as she doesn’t want to be around alcohol
• Has opinions on everyone’s clothing (her kids have been known in the past to say people should be ashamed for their short skirts)
• censors photographs of teenagers in our family with emojis (e.g if they’re wearing a tight T-shirt she’ll put a big flower emoji over the chest area on her social media)
• tells me she’ll pray for me and actively prays for me to “see the light” and open my heart. I don’t feel comfortable with this.
• wont allow me to stay over with my partner as we’re not married but we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids (which is absolutely her right as it’s her home, but it kind of sets the undertone for other settings)
• Thinks being gay is absolutely wrong and sinful and there’s no two ways about it. Despite us having gay people in the family whom she also prays for.
• has very blatantly spoke about other religions in a less than acceptable way

Whilst I do respect her and her beliefs, AIBU to think she should let me be too? Why should I have to change how I behave just because her religion disapproves? Aside from religion, H as a person is funny, sporty, interesting and outgoing. I know none of what she says is through malice but I’m just feeling really irked at the thought of being censored on this holiday

So no drinking, dress demure at all times, no TV, no vulgar language. Sounds vaguely familiar, apostolic Christian by any chance?

You know that despite all the family and favourite location you won't enjoy it so don't go.

You absolutely don't have to "respect" her beliefs. You carry on with your life the way you want to.

Nah, fuck her. Respect goes both ways and she’s not bothering to respect anyone else.

I'd go and just do/wear what I wanted and enjoy myself.

If H's holiday is spoiled as result that's her own fault for trying too hard to control other people

It's worrying that your family are so determined to 'respect' homophobia and misogyny. Those kind of views shouldn't be tolerated, even if someone is trying to disguise them as a religion.

You could go to separate villas and meet up? i wouldn’t even bother doing that.

I'd stop pandering to her nonsense forthwith.

If it's mentioned, say "I thought Jesus taught us to love our neighbour?" Or "doesn't Jesus love a sinner?"
Or my own personal favourite, "It's important to sin a little bit, otherwise Jesus died for nothing."

I also have some extreme god-botherers in my extended family, so I feel your pain OP!
My mums sister married a god-botherer, became one herself, and so now their kids, and THEIR kids are god-botherers as well.

My mum goes to stay with her sister maybe once a year. They do things like say grace every meal, and my mum will "just sit there and smirk at them."
They are preachy in the extreme, but none of them bother to live out any of the christian values. They have umpteen holidays a year, that they like to brag about in their Christmas letter every year. They've never once given a single penny to charity, they do no volunteer work apart from "helping run their church" (which I hardly think counts).

Save your holiday leave ,your sanity and don't waste either going on holiday with this person.Just say no

Aren't Christians supposed to be kind and tolerant?

I would go, but I'm generally quite strong-minded and outspoken, so would not have a problem telling H to shut up from time to time.

H is a fun sponge.

Hell no (like that ?!) would I be going.

I wouldn’t go - sounds like neither of you would enjoy the holiday. Tell you DM that H’s constant sniping and criticism are exhausting, and you want to go on holiday to enjoy yourself, not to be constantly told you are dressing like a slut.

She is a bigot with deeply offensive views using religion as an excuse. She shouldn’t be anywhere near your children. Ever.

You can respect someone's beliefs without changing your own lifestyle for them. What she's doing is forcing her own beliefs on everyone else around her. She can dress demurely, avoid alcohol etc, no one else is obliged to pander to her self enforced rules at all. Ignore her and carry on as you are, if she doesn't like it tough and if anyone objects on her behalf tell them she is being disrespectful of your beliefs and trying to force her lifestyle down your throat.

I wouldn't be going on holiday with her as it would be awful and I wouldn't allow my children around someone who is a bigot and homophobic either which she sounds like. She is entitled to her own religious views but she is not entitled to impose them in you and your family.

I may be out of step with others, but despite having a loving and close family I would never go on holidays en masse with any of them! The feeling is mutual too. We all like different things and when you are at close quarters on a holiday you are not in your own environment and see and hear things about others (and yourself) that you would not ordinarily experience. It can lead to disagreements, and let's face it holidays are not cheap so I get the most out of my travels on my own terms.

So in your shoes I would not go on a family gathering holiday to save my life. Better off doing your own thing, and seeing family as you normally do (or don't!) at other times, when there is a sunset clause on the visit and you can escape!

How is wearing revealing clothing, drinking, listening to non religious music erc. Actually got anything to need to make allowance for?

The op is not making the person do this but just wants to be able to do it themselves

A holiday is the one time you get to do what you want, when you want, how you want. As opposed to the rest of the year when you have to do things a certain way and be around people you wouldn’t choose to be around.

No way would I be going on holiday with H. Absolutely she can live how she wants but she shouldn’t be allowed to expect the rest of the family to be living up to her exacting standards. She would be better going away with a faith based group , so everyone is happy with the same rules. You can’t inflict that on family. It’s selfish and completely out of order.

Op we are a 'religious' family and I also wouldn't go with her. I couldn't give a flying lonkeys what other people did or wore and if my beliefs made others uncomfortable then I'm the problem. She can practice without judging and offending and stopping others. No religion I know if allows that type of behaviour. But people do do it! And it's not right. If anything she shouldn't be going on the holiday as it doesn't fit her lifestyle. I would find a nice holiday for you and your DP and explain why! Others might follow suit in your family and it might put a stop to her behaviour

I don't think any one should have a right to demand respect for their religious beliefs. In the UK there is a right to be able to hold , and provided it doesn't contravene, secular criminal law, to practice your religion.

If "respect" means the latter , fine. If it means no one is allowed to criticise your beliefs, not fine.

She sounds very narrow minded and personally I just wouldn’t be going on holiday with her

You sound lovely and clearly understand what "respect" means.

Thanks for all the responses. I agree it is bigotry.

I suppose it’s a difficult dynamic because she’s the only one in the family to follow “religion”. So similarly in not wanting to offend minorities, everyone just says this is the life H lives and we all must respect that and not poke the bear for want of a better word.

Whilst I would undoubtedly continue my holiday as I would if they weren’t there, I know I’d get aggro from the rest of my family for doing so and be seen as being goady. Also, I don’t doubt she would remove herself and her children from the setting if I were for example to be drunk or swearing during the night (which is absolutely her right to as she can decide what she wants her children to be around). I just know for fact that I would then be getting told I’m ruining everyone’s holiday by making H have to leave and it’s upsetting everyone.

I am generally quite outspoken and a bit of a free-love kind of person. I understand how crass I’m portraying myself to be, I must sound like some drunken lout that shouts profanity over dinner but I promise that’s not the case 😂

I think I’ll just have to not go, which is a shame!

If you have to demand respect, you won't get it.

Personally if I went I'd repeat "that's you're choice and this is my choice" ad nauseam.

But for an easy life I wouldn't go, I wouldn't mix with her and I wouldn't allow my children around her. You can have your beliefs and still have kindness and tolerance. H has neither and these extremely religious nuts wrap it up in faux concern, when it's disrespect and condenscion.

I would not let her stop me from going to a favourite place with the rest of my family.

If they can endure her, then so can I.

I would be willing to capitulate on some things - I wouldn't mind not swearing for example, and could bear to say Grace I suppose - but not on others.

I would drink wine, watch tv and wear what I usually wore but do it in such a way that she looked unreasonable for raising it.