To think her her need for respect doesn’t trump mine?

[Tonightsthenight91]

Prefacing this by saying I know this isn’t the end of the world and it’s not a war but it’s just really getting on my tits if I’m honest.

I have a family member (let’s call her H) who is very very religious, married an equally religious man, and is raising equally religious kids. Fine, I respect that - our beliefs are different but that’s more than ok, I am actually deeply interested in other peoples religions and cultures and find it makes for interesting conversations 95% of the time.

however, I feel like my whole family feel like everyone should dance to her tune just because of her beliefs.

example: a family holiday has been proposed. H won’t be happy for me (an adult and a mother) to drink/get drunk, wear anything revealing such as a tie string bikini, swear, listen to non-secular music within her ear shot, watch your average TV with her in the room etc. and the rest of my family will expect me to tow the line “because I have to respect H”

H doesn’t respect or listen to my beliefs (which I don’t try and force on anyone or even bring up, it’s only if it comes up in conversation). Says my beliefs are witchcraft and a sin.

other examples are:

• won’t come to family parties as she doesn’t want to be around alcohol
• Has opinions on everyone’s clothing (her kids have been known in the past to say people should be ashamed for their short skirts)
• censors photographs of teenagers in our family with emojis (e.g if they’re wearing a tight T-shirt she’ll put a big flower emoji over the chest area on her social media)
• tells me she’ll pray for me and actively prays for me to “see the light” and open my heart. I don’t feel comfortable with this.
• wont allow me to stay over with my partner as we’re not married but we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids (which is absolutely her right as it’s her home, but it kind of sets the undertone for other settings)
• Thinks being gay is absolutely wrong and sinful and there’s no two ways about it. Despite us having gay people in the family whom she also prays for.
• has very blatantly spoke about other religions in a less than acceptable way

Whilst I do respect her and her beliefs, AIBU to think she should let me be too? Why should I have to change how I behave just because her religion disapproves? Aside from religion, H as a person is funny, sporty, interesting and outgoing. I know none of what she says is through malice but I’m just feeling really irked at the thought of being censored on this holiday

She sounds delightful.

Respect one way is contempt.

Your choices are wider than go or not go. You could go and stay elsewhere. Why doesn't they stay somewhere else?

Why would you even consider going, stop pandering to her.

My mum is the biggest drinker of us all and swears like a trooper! Understandably, it annoys me doubly that she has these opinions 😂

Next family gathering get your mum drunk and start singing drinking songs.

Don't go on the holiday.

I wouldn’t go on the holiday. Holidays are for relaxing and you wouldn’t be able too.

I would also be very wary of letting your children spend time with these people, particularly girls.
The wanting woman to cover up, not drink or swear and basically toe the line are not people I would want to associate with.

Is H “the golden child” who can do no wrong? Or is it that your mother thinks that there is some magical power to H religiosity as it has enabled her to clean up her act and become wealthier than other family members? Why do they treat her like her religious status is so fragile that she can’t handle the existence of other life choices? Is the problem that she will throw a strop or that she will get sad/whiny?

I was thinking Plymouth Brethren, and I wouldn't be going on holiday with anyone who belongs to that "faith".

Fuck no would I go on holiday with her.

I wish I’d have done a name change for this as there’s so many details I could give about the specific church (pretty certain that it’s not known as being extreme?) and more specific examples that I could give about particular beliefs/things that have been said but to be honest they’d likely get me banned for trolling they’re that incomprehensible!

with regards to fragility of religion and being the golden child. She’s definitely not that but there is a bit of a backstory with her past which would be incredibly outing so I’ll just say going to church was the making of her in my families eyes (which I do agree with to an extent)

Can you not let her know beforehand that you will be wearing what you want, drinking etc and if she can't keep he judgement to herself perhaps she shouldn't go?

I would also do a crash course in the bible and counter act what she says. It doesn't say anything much on homosexuality etc.

I’m pretty religious and conservative and I wouldn’t go.

For me religion is personal and private and I don’t want to impose it or be imposed on.

I can understand her not wanting to be around alcohol, I get so sick of colleagues who can only seem to talking about alcohol and their favourite watering holes. In our society, you are expected to take part in alcohol based activities or you are seem as a loser, wallflower etc.

But the answer isn’t to impose tee-totality on others, it’s to take yourself out of the equation.

This she might be family but you can call her views out and her views do not trump yours. You don’t have to go on holiday with someone that body shamed, is homophobic, misogynist and is actively bullying anyone and you can be offended by someone praying for you and object to it too.

It’s a holiday for everyone, not an extended residential religious sermon with her at the pulpit. Take out the religious element and you are left with someone judgemental, intolerant, selfish, controlling and didactic. Really, the religion is just an excuse / justification for her to behave in these ways towards other people. Ask yourself if you want to go on holiday with someone who is going to control the music, clothes, television and language of other adults. Nope.

I can't stand people who hide hatred and bigotry behind religion. I'm a catholic and I believe in a god that loves all people. Don't go.. it won't end well and you'll have wasted money on a holiday that you'll hate!

Respecting someone's views when you go to their house is something reasonable.

Very different to going on holiday with them and you should politely decline.

You could have daily memes about why Jesus said, there are some very funny and true FB groups out there.

He hated religion, called his followers just to look at him and love all others without criticism or judgement.

You can’t win, OP, because the entire family has cast you as the potential villain and her as the frail heroine. Just don’t go and be honest about it: Its no holiday to spend time with this aggressive bigot.

"Do whatever floats your boat, as long as you don't sink mine"

She's totally sinking your boat 🫤 Not someone I'd want to spend time around - I'm fortunate that my strongly religious relative only brings it up when it fits the discussion, as you said you do. Much more comfortable for those around them.

This says it better than I did!

Huge difference between Christians (who try to live as Jesus taught) and fundamentalist Christians (who live by fear and protecting fear)

I wouldn't want to spend a load of money and a load of my annual leave on a holiday where I couldn't be myself.

This is not my Christian faith - a long way from it.

This absolutely

I have a couple of very good friends who are Mormons. They have conservative beliefs, no sex before marriage, no drinking alcohol or even coffee. But they have no problem at all going into a Starbucks with me and ordering a fruit smoothie while I have a flat white. They are kind and inclusive and non-preachy.

No issue at all with people having religious beliefs, they have no right to impose those beliefs onto others.

Well she sounds annoying and judgemental! Probably not worth challenging the status quo entirely though. It will lead to aggro I imagine.

If it were me, I would wear a slightly more conservative bikini (to be fair I wouldnt wear one at all, as after two c sections and a lot of weight gain, the sight would offend more than religious sensibilities). I would watch TV shows away from them. However, I would drink as much alcohol as I wanted! There is no need for them to know what’s in your glass.