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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
LalaPaloosa · 28/08/2023 19:56

I had a boyfriend who did this many years ago. Only once he didn’t come home but stayed out all night with “friends” and then said he’d slept under his desk at the office. It transpired many years later he was having an affair. I’d be really suspicious.

catwhite1 · 28/08/2023 20:03

At the core of this is a lack of respect and consideration. Being 20 weeks pregnant and not getting any sleep due to being kept up all night with worry is a very valid reason for not going to lunch and I would blame him for this as if he’d been more considerate and let you know in the first place then you would probably have had a decent nights sleep. It’s selfish and immature to not appreciate your feelings particularly as you are going through a pregnancy with his child and do not need the stress. You need to let him know that this is not acceptable. You do not want a repeat of this otherwise you may have to reconsider the relationship. Relationships are built on love and a mutual understanding and respect for each other so this needs to be addressed. If something is affecting you, speak out, don’t feel as though you and your unborn baby don’t deserve to be treated considerately, respect yourself and be clear as to how you expect to be treated!!

browneyes77 · 28/08/2023 20:37

It’s quite clear to me from the OP’s posts, that she isn’t being kept awake through worrying about her DH’s welfare, but more the anxiety of being woken up.

And her DH, could’ve just agreed to stay at his mates house once he got there and let her know. Rather than telling her twice that he was coming home soon.

Fwaltz · 28/08/2023 20:43

I’d be furious. I think missing the lunch would be totally reasonable.

RestartingLife · 28/08/2023 20:47

Pinkdelight3 · 27/08/2023 09:42

Why didn't he just say he was staying at his mates, either in advance, at 3.30 or at 5.30? Ridiculous of him to keep you hanging when he could've easily said at midnight, you go to sleep, I'm staying out, see you in the morning.

This

Grrrrdarling · 28/08/2023 20:57

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

YANBU… quite inconsiderate of him to not just say he was going to sleep where he was when you called at 3.30am, it would have been the best thing to do at that time of the morning anyway, especially knowing that you get anxious & can’t sleep properly if he is out until the wee hours.
Your anxiety will be heightened right now as your hormones will be all over the place thanks to pregnancy so you may be feeling it a bit stronger at the moment too.
Going forward just ask him to be a bit more considerate of you & try to plan a bit better when he is going out & the night is getting long. It isn’t a massive ask of him at all.

Glad you went out for the meal, despite being tired. You could think of it as a test run for when baby is here & you’re sleep deprived because of them 😝

SPF50 · 28/08/2023 21:02

If his group of pals go back to each others houses lots then it would make sense. If this is random then I would be wondering where he was especially as he came home not tired and well rested - not exactly a normal way to be after an all nighter. That aside, telling you he was coming home and not turning up was terrible behaviour and you should be pissed with him. I would not be happy if my partner told me he was on way home and did not arrive.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 21:28

foolishone · 28/08/2023 19:39

If my partner was posting on this imaginary board, he'd support my right to do what I choose.

And I would support him also. Although I'm far more likely to stay out than him.

Show quote history

Whether that’s the case in your relationship or not doesn’t make what I said anything less true. What is acceptable for men, often isn’t for women.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 21:30

*any

Kidoutings · 28/08/2023 21:31

@GoingInsaneAhhh My oh is exactly the same whether it’s a few drinks or all night I swear I have ptsd from him going out injuring himself!

Escapetofrance · 28/08/2023 21:54

Personally, I wouldn’t trust any man that didn’t come home.

foolishone · 28/08/2023 22:19

@LaDamaDeElche I do agree that can be the case but it really isn't among the majority of relationships in my circle so it's not a certainty and I don't think it should be portrayed as one.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 22:44

foolishone · 28/08/2023 22:19

@LaDamaDeElche I do agree that can be the case but it really isn't among the majority of relationships in my circle so it's not a certainty and I don't think it should be portrayed as one.

Again, in your circle. It isn’t in mine either, but you just have to read the relationships board on here and venture into social media to see that the people we know are not in the majority. Also, even with the people we know, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. The fact is that women are held to a different standard than men and always have been. Even so called “good” men often hold their wives/partners to a different standard than they hold themselves to.

timesaretight · 28/08/2023 23:04

Try not to be naive.

CovidCath · 28/08/2023 23:37

OP I’m sorry to hear your hubby has been quite selfish. Of course you were not going to be enthusiastic about lunch as you were tired. He took that away from you and it’s shite. He is likely to do this again when the baby arrives…..
if you have a spare room use it (I wouldn’t expect him to as pissed men have a homing radar for their own bed…).
Look after yourself and your little one first.
Oh and feed DH a healthy salad or quiche on the day after a night out. He’ll be hoping for lasagne or something meaty and hearty. It’s a small revenge but to this day it makes me feel better…. 😆😉.

I hope he starts behaving soon xx

neilyoungismyhero · 29/08/2023 00:21

He did what he felt like doing last night and you can do the same now.

Juced · 29/08/2023 07:57

Here’s me thinking back after being with my partner for nearly 30 yrs how much I’d actually prefer him to sleep at his mates rather than come home 🤣🤣…pissed up men are pain in the arse.

Atsocta · 29/08/2023 09:56

What a low life, you shouldn’t be treated like this, and if he’s like this when your 20 weeks pregnant I dread to think what your life will be like a few years on, he should grow up and be looking after you
think on girl!

Sumthingsweet · 29/08/2023 10:52

Is he cheating on you ? Sounds a bit suspicious

Sunnyside22 · 29/08/2023 14:05

Admire all the stoic messages from women who think it's all straightforward but sounds totally shady behaviour, especially the falling asleep, not answering calls, stalling for extra hours then silence. Listen to your gut, if something says it's off then it is. He's out of order and he knows it.

Hopefully it doesn't happen again. You and the baby are the priority.

QueenBitch666 · 29/08/2023 14:29

CovidCath · 28/08/2023 23:37

OP I’m sorry to hear your hubby has been quite selfish. Of course you were not going to be enthusiastic about lunch as you were tired. He took that away from you and it’s shite. He is likely to do this again when the baby arrives…..
if you have a spare room use it (I wouldn’t expect him to as pissed men have a homing radar for their own bed…).
Look after yourself and your little one first.
Oh and feed DH a healthy salad or quiche on the day after a night out. He’ll be hoping for lasagne or something meaty and hearty. It’s a small revenge but to this day it makes me feel better…. 😆😉.

I hope he starts behaving soon xx

Feed him?! Did I just get transported back to 1950?

Fluffmum · 29/08/2023 14:40

My husband had form for this when he was younger. I wish I’d not turned a blind eye and chucked him out.

April506 · 29/08/2023 17:00

This must stop . I found out about my husbands post natal infidelities when we eventually split up after twenty years and four kids when his latest woman’s husband called me to tell me . Not long after he went out to a rugby do “with the lads “ and was 24 hours late . .. I foolishly trusted this story but looking back he was probably with that woman .
I feel your pain .
I give up with men im
not a great judge

April506 · 29/08/2023 17:01

Oh my

April506 · 29/08/2023 17:01

Sadly this is my view too .

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