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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 27/08/2023 10:39

I think he was in touch and sometimes nights to continue if having fun so as no concerns about safety, drugs or cheating I would not be worried.

If you are genuinely too tired to make lunch then don't go. But I wouldn't link it to him being out all night as he is unlikely to have known it would have affected you so much it is a bit unusual. I wouldnt sleep well but maybe 10% less than usual so i wouldnt be tired enough to miss lunch.

"Sorry dh i am shattered I wont make lunch today" rather than "i have been up all night worrying about you so not going to lunch as I am tired"

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 10:42

How is it taking the piss that he fell asleep when drunk after a night out at his mates but also stayed in touch. Genuinely wondering as if a bloke threw a hissy fit at me doing that I'd dump the controlling wet blanket.

Iknowthis1 · 27/08/2023 10:46

You need to learn to sleep when he's out. You're not his mother.

babbscrabbs · 27/08/2023 10:46

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 10:30

@Clymene and the PP who mentioned drugs - he categorically does not do any sort of drugs having lost a couple of his friends a long time ago to it. It's purely alcohol, way too much of it.

Alcohol is a drug, one that kills more people than any other drug, just saying.

Ohyesreally · 27/08/2023 10:51

Can people not go out and have a good time without getting completely shit faced? Surely you get to a certain age and you just grow up and mature out of stumbling out of pubs/clubs/takeaways. Embarrassing.

crosstheriver · 27/08/2023 10:53

How old are you both? I wouldn't be impressed with a guy any older than his mid-20s getting off his face as standard. Staying out until 3am wouldn't bother me if it was pre-arranged, but getting that drunk would be a real turn-off.

I wonder if he is trying to get things out of his system before the baby arrives. I wouldn't be massively impressed - you can hardly stay out until 3am drinking yourself, both because you can't drink and because you're unlikely to have the energy to do that carrying another person with you.

Does he understand how hard being pregnant is? Does he appreciate you enough, or is he just focused on how life is going to change for him, hence partying like a student?

If, for some reason, you find the late nights and drinking acceptable, the solution is to tell him to crash at a friend's so you know for sure he won't be coming back, and you don't stay up listening out for him.

If you're too tired to go to the lunch, don't. No one is going to get upset with a pregnant woman blowing off plans at the last minute because she's too tired. But you do have to talk to your DP about not putting you in this position again. Either he behaves like a responsible adult, or he stays with a friend.

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:55

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 10:42

How is it taking the piss that he fell asleep when drunk after a night out at his mates but also stayed in touch. Genuinely wondering as if a bloke threw a hissy fit at me doing that I'd dump the controlling wet blanket.

Quite.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 10:57

How often does he go out and get drunk?

liveforsummer · 27/08/2023 10:57

Surely you don't have to be off your face or really drunk to accidentally fall asleep at 4am? Doesn't mean he was wasted. Chances are I might when getting home to a warm house and a comfy sofa too even after a couple

crosstheriver · 27/08/2023 10:58

Ohyesreally · 27/08/2023 10:51

Can people not go out and have a good time without getting completely shit faced? Surely you get to a certain age and you just grow up and mature out of stumbling out of pubs/clubs/takeaways. Embarrassing.

Exactly. A grown man doing that is one who can't accept he's no longer a student, and that kind of attitude is unattractive. We all get older. Deal with it. Life is different in each decade, and you have to accept and adapt to that, or you're going to waste it just being nostalgic about a life that doesn't exist anymore.

I have no issue with a DP staying out late with friends or even going away with friends without me. The issue I have is if he feels he can only be himself and/or have a good time by getting shit-faced. It also suggests strongly he's a part of 'lad' culture, and that tends to go hand in hand with treating women as less than.

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:59

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 09:39

I think you'll be massively overreacting to not go for lunch because he stayed at his mates.

How did you manage to sleep before you met him and then lived with him?

Do you think it could possibly have been due to the fact that you don't worry about people you've never met not showing up at the expected time, because you've never met them, so wouldn't expect them to show up at all?
Or that people you've never met don't get into bed with you at some point in the night, so you can settle knowing you wont be disturbed by these people you've never met...? Just a thought.🤔

ZolaBudd · 27/08/2023 11:00

I bet you, he’s got a lady friend

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:01

On mumsnet, men in relationships forfeit the right to have interests, friends, hobbies, get drunk, stay out, a close relationship with their families and generally most other things that aren't going to work and adhering to their wife's agenda.

As much as this place is brilliant in spotting red flags, it sure does excuse their own.

VisionsOfSplendour · 27/08/2023 11:03

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 09:39

I think you'll be massively overreacting to not go for lunch because he stayed at his mates.

How did you manage to sleep before you met him and then lived with him?

Isn't it totally normal to not sleep great when you know that someone is out but dont know for sure what time they'll be back? Absolutely nothing like living alone.

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 11:04

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:59

Do you think it could possibly have been due to the fact that you don't worry about people you've never met not showing up at the expected time, because you've never met them, so wouldn't expect them to show up at all?
Or that people you've never met don't get into bed with you at some point in the night, so you can settle knowing you wont be disturbed by these people you've never met...? Just a thought.🤔

Show quote history

Nope. I loved it when exh stayed out/went out. I'd change the bed, have a bath and go to bed early and watch something that he wouldn't have wanted to watch whilst eating chocolate and enjoy the bed to myself until whenever he came back.

I don't martyr myself over my 18yr old either. If she's out she has a key, if there's an emergency she can ring me till I wake up, I still go to sleep as normal.

Mamette · 27/08/2023 11:04

Clymene · 27/08/2023 10:28

GrinGrinGrinGrin

A guy who stays out all nights doing drugs with his mates when his partner is 20 weeks pregnant isnt going to suddenly turn into a saint once the baby arrives.

Show quote history

You’re a dramatic one aren’t you?

You don’t know he was doing drugs.

And not staying out all night does not equal being a saint.

thishasnotmyweek · 27/08/2023 11:04

To be honest once he’d said at 3:30 he’d gone back to his friends house, I would have assumed (no matter what he said because drunk people lie) that he wasn’t going to come home until the next morning.

I don’t really understand this whole ‘I can’t sleep while my partner is out because I’m waiting for them to come home’, they’re grown adults who can look after themselves. Why stress yourself out worrying about them?

It’s not his fault you can’t sleep without him - and if this is a rare night out with mates that got a bit out of hand and not a regular occurrence, I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for your lack of sleep.

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 11:05

Grownups are allowed to stay out all night if they want. You not sleeping is not his fault.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:05

It’s usually good manners to say you are going to be out all night though

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:07

Sometimes you don't know. There was contact at 3.30 and 5.30. He didn't do anything wrong. He's allowed to change his mind and stay out. Yes...really he is. Just like you can.

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 11:08

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:07

Sometimes you don't know. There was contact at 3.30 and 5.30. He didn't do anything wrong. He's allowed to change his mind and stay out. Yes...really he is. Just like you can.

Exactly 💯

Yey · 27/08/2023 11:09

You will only punish yourself by not going.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:12

If I was staying out all night I would tell DH (as he would tell me). Would also expect DS to let us know

EmmaEmerald · 27/08/2023 11:12

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:06

You had contact at 3.30 then again at 5.30. You know he's safe. He can decide for himself how he comes and goes. Stop worrying.

Blimey
I live alone
I can stay out all night and not impact on anyone

but he can't, and waking up his partner with updates is downright selfish.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:14

Bet it will be fine for him to pull spontaneous all nighters too when the baby is here.

Hope he isn’t driving this morning

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