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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/08/2023 11:16

@Mamette dramatic? Realistic

doitwithlove · 27/08/2023 11:18

@sundaysareafunday Is he home yet ?!??

Cowlover89 · 27/08/2023 11:18

Yanbu

xyz111 · 27/08/2023 11:19

100% still go for lunch. Don't let him make you miss out.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 27/08/2023 11:20

There's a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is OP saying you didn't come home so now I'm not speaking to you and won't come out to lunch. Consequence is I had no sleep last night because you didn't let me know you weren't coming home so I'm too tired to go out to lunch, I'm going to stay home and take a nap.

Mostlyoblivious · 27/08/2023 11:21

Yeah he was wrong to keep you hanging about when he’d return. He should just stay at a mates house or perhaps on the sofa.

could he be freaking out a bit about becoming a Dad?

MillWood85 · 27/08/2023 11:22

What a prize specimen of a man you've chosen to breed with.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 27/08/2023 11:22

YABU
You spoke to him a couple of times so you knew he was ok, so I’m not sure why you’re so anxious.

Its not fair that if he’s not back by a certain time you’re ringing him and that isn’t good for anyone.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go to sleep and he’ll be back when he’s back.
I’d hate to have a curfew and have my DH ring me because I’m not back at a certain time.

You are being dramatic to skip lunch.
Have a shower and go and have fun.

Drttc · 27/08/2023 11:22

Currently pregnant with DC3 and also a very light sleeper (even with my earplugs in). On a regular night it’s so hard to get a good sleep between waking up to wee and having to readjust positions! Just wanted to say if you feel tired it’s completely acceptable to take care of yourself and baby! I feel you!

zingally · 27/08/2023 11:23

A bit silly of him, but I don't think punishing him - and the people you are due to see - by not going to lunch, is pretty immature.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 11:31

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 10:30

@Clymene and the PP who mentioned drugs - he categorically does not do any sort of drugs having lost a couple of his friends a long time ago to it. It's purely alcohol, way too much of it.

You’re 20 weeks pregnant, he presumably knows you wait up for him, albeit unintentionally, and he’s not been honest about when he was coming home. He should have just said he wasn’t coming home.

As an aside, if he’s going to be a father in 20 weeks, he might want to grow the fuck up, and stop boozing to the point that he passes out at a mate’s house.

FMSucks · 27/08/2023 11:32

@pictoosh yup!

BeggyMitchell · 27/08/2023 11:32

YANBU OP

I remember being pregnant and feeling vulnerable when my partner was out on big nights out.

It's totally NATURAL that he should be considering your feelings at this time in particular - ignore the naysayers.

He's going about his social life as normal 'because he can' and not seeming to give a shit.

That's why you're awake worrying (and if you're anything like I was, feeling hurt).

Daffidale · 27/08/2023 11:35

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

The issue is you can’t sleep when he’s out especially if you’re expecting him back but don’t know when.

It’s not unreasonable for you to work out a way between you that means he gets to go out and you get to sleep properly. I suggest you have a grown up talk with him (maybe in a few days when you’re not ragged from lack of sleep) and agree something that works better for both of you.

Perhaps something like if he’s not home by midnight he a) texts you to say he’s OK and b) arranges to sleep at a mate’s house (or sneaks in quietly and sleeps on YOUR sofa).

MarshyMcMarshFace · 27/08/2023 11:37

I get the not being able to settle when you expect to be woken, etc.

And you are 20 weeks of, he needs to be mindful.

Go back to sleep now for a couple of hours, if you can, then get up, shower, jouszh yourself up and enjoy lunch, crash out when you get home. After a serious discussion about how this affects you.

ladeluge · 27/08/2023 11:45

The drama about this is over the top. OP I know you have anxiety, but that is not DPs fault. OK he could have text to let you know his plans, but honestly he was probably enjoying himself, full of grog, forgot, and is now suffering the most massive of hangovers.

If a man had issues with his DP being out like this and worrying and so on, he would be called a "Controller" straight away.

I'd relax, welcome him home and enjoy lunch if he is not green in the face!

Janiie · 27/08/2023 11:46

God, he's a grown man with a pregnant partner. He doesn't need to 'stay at a mates' after a night out, he's isn't a teenager. He needs to grow up and get a taxi home after his fun night out.

Good luck op, I've a feeling you're going to need it.

CozyCamper · 27/08/2023 11:49

I'm sorry it's not that hard to let your other half know you're staying out. It's selfish and childish imo.

I sleep fine when DH is out but he doesn't when I am. There is nothing I can do about that as I'm not going to alter my night outs timeline when I'm out so the least I can do is fire a text to say will be out later than planned and message when I'm in a taxi so that if he wakes or is awake he knows a rough timeline.

It's just mutual respect. Would I fuck be going out for a family lunch with very little sleep 20 weeks pregnant unless it was something I wanted to do.

IClaudine · 27/08/2023 11:51

Janiie · 27/08/2023 11:46

God, he's a grown man with a pregnant partner. He doesn't need to 'stay at a mates' after a night out, he's isn't a teenager. He needs to grow up and get a taxi home after his fun night out.

Good luck op, I've a feeling you're going to need it.

Yep.

BeggyMitchell · 27/08/2023 11:52

It's just mutual respect 👌🏻

GCAcademic · 27/08/2023 11:53

As usual, posters are relishing the opportunity to call a woman “controlling”.

Her AIBU was about not going out for lunch because she’s exhausted, not about banning him from nights out.

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/08/2023 11:54

I completely get it OP. I sleep absolutely fine when DH isn't here at all, but not when I know he's coming in at some point and will disturb me, even when I know in advance what time that's likely to be.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to go to lunch if you don't feel like it now you're tired. There'll be other lunches.

foolishone · 27/08/2023 11:55

melmos · 27/08/2023 10:17

Can't believe these responses - absolutely don't go to lunch you're pregnant with his child and he didn't come home last night. Also it's his family.

All nighters normally mean drugs or sex or both.

Edited

No it doesn't! I mean, it can but it can also mean got chips, went back to mates, carried on drinking, played Xbox etc

IClaudine · 27/08/2023 11:56

These threads make me so cross. His partner is carrying his baby and he treats her like shit. So many men seem to do this sort of thing when their partner is pregnant. Why? You'd be better off alone, OP.

DirtyDuchess · 27/08/2023 11:57

I bet he'd be raging if you did the same. Good luck OP, he's a selfish dickhead and needs to grow up!