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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 27/08/2023 18:23

What would be his reaction if you went out for a girl's night out, and then texted him at 5 that you were just on the way home, then didn't actually show up till 11?

That would just be cool? He'd tidy and do laundry and not text you?

foolishone · 27/08/2023 18:23

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 18:09

He came in at 10.30 well-rested and apologetic, without a hangover and proceeded to enjoy a lovely lunch out with you and the wider family with no further issue? He needs to stop that sort of shit.
Heh.

Yeah what a prick. Definitely LTB. 😄😄

Coffeetree · 27/08/2023 18:25

Yes, long as he's comfortable and well-rested. 🍪

FrenchandSaunders · 27/08/2023 18:30

Christ some of these people who don’t have a life once they’re married/with kids!! 😳

Coffeetree · 27/08/2023 18:34

Yeah "having a life" is not texting yiur partner at 5:30am to say you're on the way home, then randomly arriving five hours later. That's actually pathetic.

2chocolateoranges · 27/08/2023 18:36

Until I came onto netmums I didn’t realise that once you got married and had children the fun nights out and drinking alcohol all had to stop! You’d think by some of the replies on this thread we all had to turn into stepford wives.

just to add OP, I’m glad things turned out well and that you had a lovely afternoon.

Womencanlift · 27/08/2023 18:51

Coffeetree · 27/08/2023 18:11

No one with any sort of normal life would sleep soundly when their partner was still out at 4 or 5:30, especially if they said they were just on their way and just... didn't show up. To not worry about someone in those circumstances -- that's actually really dysfunctional. Anyone normal would be concerned.

Some of you are really telling on yourselves.

Show quote history

A normal life is saying I will probably be asleep when you come in, see you in the morning, have a nice night. Not staying awake until they come in and certainly not texting them to see where they are so that you would know that they said they were on their way

MN relationships are very far away from normal

ImABox · 27/08/2023 18:53

@sundaysareafunday i completely understand why you got no sleep. I have no problem if I know DH is going to be out all night, it’s the not knowing a time and listening out/not sleeping/worrying about being woken up that is far more disruptive.

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 18:57

Womencanlift · 27/08/2023 18:51

A normal life is saying I will probably be asleep when you come in, see you in the morning, have a nice night. Not staying awake until they come in and certainly not texting them to see where they are so that you would know that they said they were on their way

MN relationships are very far away from normal

Show quote history

Yup

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2023 19:24

2chocolateoranges · 27/08/2023 18:36

Until I came onto netmums I didn’t realise that once you got married and had children the fun nights out and drinking alcohol all had to stop! You’d think by some of the replies on this thread we all had to turn into stepford wives.

just to add OP, I’m glad things turned out well and that you had a lovely afternoon.

Edited

Cool edit to get the 'Stepford Wives' in while not realising what website you are actually on Grin

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 19:26

It's not being a cool wife to go to bed when your dh is out and be able to go to sleep. It's pretty normal and a healthy relationship without controlling people through anxiety.

DrManhattan · 27/08/2023 20:00

@Coffeetree ha! Love "crusty son".
Every week some poor lass with very low standards, its quite sad. I'm sort of hoping its made up. No way to live.

SiouxseeSioux · 27/08/2023 20:04

@anyolddinosaur the occasional all nighter doesn't matter, for either parent, as long as everyone's happy & it's all fair. Social life & letting your hair down doesn't have to completely stop when you have a baby you know.
I went to a school reunion when my ds was 3 weeks old & got in at 2am. Shame on me!
I still go to Goth nights occasionally as there is such a diverse age range. I stay out ever so late, guess I'm still too immature at 57 to have a grandson or my dc?

Coffeetree · 27/08/2023 20:13

Yes that's exactly the same as texting your partner at 5am to say you're on the way...and then arriving five hours later.

There is actually a middle ground between have no social life and treating your home like a hotel.

I hope if I texted my partner at 5 to say I'm on my way and then didn't show up for six hours he'd... I don't know, notice? Give a fuck?

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 27/08/2023 20:36

Mamette · 27/08/2023 18:07

I’m not sure- when I posted that I had the impression from the OP that this was a one-off and I guess what I meant by “doing this” was “embarking on open-ended nights out”.

But since then other posters have implied that this is a recurring issue with this particular man, which is a bigger problem yes.

Show quote history

I wasn’t meaning this poster. I was referencing the number threads you see on here from women whose husbands/partners behave as if they are still single men after having children.

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 20:46

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 19:26

It's not being a cool wife to go to bed when your dh is out and be able to go to sleep. It's pretty normal and a healthy relationship without controlling people through anxiety.

Indeed.

2chocolateoranges · 27/08/2023 21:49

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2023 19:24

Cool edit to get the 'Stepford Wives' in while not realising what website you are actually on Grin

Show quote history

No the edit was actually to add in the words to the OP!

Haveyouthought · 28/08/2023 18:13

Mamette · 27/08/2023 09:46

I would just go to the lunch. But when he comes back say, “look- you’ve messed me around here, I had no sleep, you could have just said you were staying over at Dave’s”.

Realistically his days of doing this are about to come to an end once the baby arrives.

Bold of you to assume that.

Bertiesmum3 · 28/08/2023 18:30

Mamette · 27/08/2023 09:46

I would just go to the lunch. But when he comes back say, “look- you’ve messed me around here, I had no sleep, you could have just said you were staying over at Dave’s”.

Realistically his days of doing this are about to come to an end once the baby arrives.

Hang on !!
Are people not allowed a life when they have a baby??
Are people not allowed out after having a baby??

OP
you’re being very unreasonable
I sleep better when my husband is out and I’ve got the bed to myself 🤣🤣

Janiie · 28/08/2023 19:00

Bertiesmum3 · 28/08/2023 18:30

Hang on !!
Are people not allowed a life when they have a baby??
Are people not allowed out after having a baby??

OP
you’re being very unreasonable
I sleep better when my husband is out and I’ve got the bed to myself 🤣🤣

Show quote history

Yes they're allowed a life but once committed to someone and a baby on the way one should be considerate. For example, 'I'm staying at my pals I'll be back 10am ish' or 'I'll get a taxi back so be in in 2am ish'. It isn't ok to give a running commentary during the night on when you may return and then don't.

celticprincess · 28/08/2023 19:17

I totally get what you mean about lack of sleep. My now ex h used to stay up gaming at night. I’d go to bed and he would say he would be up shortly. I’d only half sleep or sleep lightly as I’m expecting to be disturbed but some nights I’d wake from my doze at like 5 am and he’d be still playing downstairs. Then he’d come up and fall asleep til really late but I’d be up with the kids from 6/7. Sometimes similar happened when he went out with the lads. I’ll be home at x time. You’d kind of not sleep properly and as it gets later you start to wonder. I recall getting a call to pick him up one morning from a hotel, very much hungover and drove us straight to a national trust property and made him play with the toddler whilst I rested on the benches pregnant. I sleep much better now im single.

DiscoDee · 28/08/2023 19:28

Very much sounds like a dr*g fuelled night, sorry to say.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 19:29

I always wonder how these sort of posts would go if roles were reversed and it was posted on a predominantly male forum. I doubt there would be as many men supporting the wife/girlfriend’s right to pull an all-nighter and not come home at the last minute.

BeggyMitchell · 28/08/2023 19:32

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 19:29

I always wonder how these sort of posts would go if roles were reversed and it was posted on a predominantly male forum. I doubt there would be as many men supporting the wife/girlfriend’s right to pull an all-nighter and not come home at the last minute.

There'd be precisely zero.

And there's not even an equivalent of him feeling vulnerable, pregnant and unable to party.

foolishone · 28/08/2023 19:39

LaDamaDeElche · 28/08/2023 19:29

I always wonder how these sort of posts would go if roles were reversed and it was posted on a predominantly male forum. I doubt there would be as many men supporting the wife/girlfriend’s right to pull an all-nighter and not come home at the last minute.

If my partner was posting on this imaginary board, he'd support my right to do what I choose.

And I would support him also. Although I'm far more likely to stay out than him.