DP didn't come home last night

[sundaysareafunday]

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

I know! <first time we've ever agreed on anything >

It's like yes we can all see friends within being velcro'd to partners but these all nighters with 'mates' as if living a student life are pathetic.

I feel like these responses are pretty harsh on the OP's inability to sleep. It's not something you can flick on and off like a light switch, especially when pregnant.

I'm eight months gone myself, and my husband woke me up last night, and I ended up awake for about 2 hours going to pee constantly. Another night it might not have made a difference, but I couldn't (and wouldn't) choose the crappy sleep last night. Nor would I be able to "just rest up" this morning.

And no, I don't worry about him, but because of how the house is laid out, it's hard for him not to wake me.

How do you know he treats her like shit?

Can’t imagine crashing at someone’s house, must be getting old! Mind my first thought would be what would I do with my varifocal contact lenses so I am definitely old 😂

He's not wrong to enjoy a night out and stay at his mates - he's very unreasonable to keep you hanging and expecting him home at various points in the night. I'd be cross, and I'd expect more consideration, even if not pregnant. I'd go to lunch though - you might still enjoy it.

Is he home yet? I hope you can have a lovely lunch then bring it up with him.

I also hope he doesn't keep this up when the baby is here.

I wouldn’t personally care about staying out because life is for living!

I would just ask him (maybe tomorrow when you’ve both slept) that he tells you where he is and he is honest about when/ if he is coming home.

Just send a message saying « having loads of fun, staying at friends house, love you loads see you tomorrow » takes like ten seconds

If you aren’t feeling well, don’t go. And then have a chat with him about how selfish he was to not come home. If he doesn’t change his ways consider a separation…..sorry but it won’t get better when baby comes along.

Urgh, can't believe some of the unkind and unhelpful responses early in this thread.

OP, you're 20 weeks pregnant and had very little sleep due to his selfishness and being inconsiderate. I'm a super light sleeper and don't go to sleep properly until dh is in bed too, so I get you. I need a lot of sleep or I'm super grumpy and irritable, so I'd probably be too shattered to be good company at a lunch out today too.

I hope he's been very apologetic and you catch up on your sleep.

Why can’t he stay out?

He’s an adult.
He shouldn’t have a curfew and be banned from staying out.

Its different if he had kids and needed to care for them but he doesn’t need to stay at home to care for a grown woman.

If my DH said I wasn’t allowed to spend the night away from him I’d absolutely end the relationship.

She didn't sleep because of her own anxiety. It's really really unfair to stop someone doing what they want to do (obviously not abuse/law breaking) because of your anxiety. It's controlling. There is nothing wrong with having a night out, going back to your mates for more drinks and food and falling asleep. Getting shit off your partner and them cancelling plans with your family because you fell asleep at your mates is pretty shitty behaviour.

20 weeks pregnant and he's out all night ? Sounds like a great catch! Good luck

At 20 weeks pregnant with his baby you cant go out partying all night, so where is the solidarity? Where is the support, where is the love in this behaviour? Is this what its going to be like from now on, your baby your problem. Im off to have a laugh and fun and do what I want, and you cant. There is no way Id be going to lunch with his family unless I really wanted to. And Id be very concerned about how this person is going to behave once the child is born.

Decent grown-ass adults, when going out for a late night, give a rough eta of their arrival home. If that time gets pushed back, they then send a text saying 'go to sleep, am staying at Dave's, see you in the morning.'

Shitty grown-ass adults don't contact and don't arrive back when they say they will.

Even shittier ones will do that and then whine about being 'controlled', and it's not fair, and they're never allowed to do anything, and everyone is soooo meannnnn.

I know which kind I'd rather be with.

If I didn't have kids this wouldn't bother me but I would expect him to get himself up and be in top form for family lunch (or at least convincingly faking it)

I see that the problem was the he said he'd be back shortly twice. And neither of the times he had made no effort to actually come back. If at 3.30 he would have said that he's gonna be staying at his mates and come back I'm the morning then that would have been fine.

People are drawing a lot of conclusions about the future based on what seems like a rare occurrence. We just had a night out with our hobby group. 20 of us, age 19-40, some single some married some parents some everything in between, some left at 1am before the bar, some 4am and some went to the after party and got home 8am. I walked home at 4am. We just had a great time. I don't think youncan draw conclusions without a knowledge of a pattern

Considering you’re 20 weeks pregnant, I think he should have decided beforehand if he was staying at a friends house. He must have know you would wake up wondering where he is, so its going to give you a disturbed night not planning this in advance.

But dont let it ruin your day - just tell him next time to be abit more of a grown up and let you know in advance. Sleep is going to be even more precious in a few months time.

Realistically his days of doing this are about to come to an end once the baby arrives.

you hope. My dh was/is like this. I just cannot sleep when he is out. Hes a liability and trouble finds him because he gets so drunk. I worry about him getting mugged. Falling asleep in the cold etc. he did it to me when i was heavily pregnant and went out to a city he was unfamiliar with, got lost from friends, calling me, absolutely slaughtered. Then his battery died and I couldn’t get hold of him. He got back eventually no fucks given until he realised he lost his phone in the taxi. Nightmare. I just dont sleep when hes on a night out.

OP you're entitled to feel cross with him and i wouldn't have slept well not knowing if/when he's coming home or if he's even safe. Sounds like he drank excessively which rarely ends well.

I would 100000% not being going to a family lunch after this selfish behaviour, not because i'm punishing him but because I'd be shattered. I'm 8 months pregnant and i know how elusive sleep is. Take care of yourself

@melmos not necessarily. Me & my friends of both sexes have managed to do all nighters without taking drugs or having sex outside of our relationships on numerous occasions

Why have you jumped straight to this when the OP clearly said the reason she doesn’t want to go is because she’s tired, having not slept very well ?

Why are you putting up with this shit OP?

I can’t stand the sort of men who think going out ‘till all hours and getting wasted on alcohol is acceptable, so I wouldn’t want to be having a baby with such a selfish prick if I was in your shoes.

Is he planning to change when the baby’s here? I think you need to prepare yourself to be the one taking responsibility for doing all the parenting with this prize specimen. ☹️

I wouldn't be too happy at him staying out all night but I wouldn't miss a lunch out as I love food tbh.

What about women? Are they allowed to?

Asking for a friend.