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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 27/08/2023 10:06

He should have phoned or messaged to say he was staying out overnight. Hopefully he will arrive home soon or phone you.

There's no reason to miss lunch though. Go out today but have an early night tonight.

You'll get used to sleepless nights once you become a parent!

onanotherday · 27/08/2023 10:07

..and so it begins...

Cosycover · 27/08/2023 10:07

Does he do coke?
Because I don't believe the whole 'fell asleep' excuse.

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:08

Womencanlift · 27/08/2023 09:53

YABU. He told you he was at his friends, you could have said ok see you in the morning and go to sleep

As a pp said this anxiety about not sleeping until he gets is bad and something you should look at.

It would be petty to not go for lunch.

I agree. Your sleep pattern isn't his responsibility, it's yours.

CKL987 · 27/08/2023 10:10

I am the same as you but recognise my anxiety is not for someone else to have to change their behaviour over, especially when it is not a high risk behaviour. However, that being said, I'm sure my partner would consider how I respond and behave to things and adjust his behaviour accordingly if I was pregnant.

Justcallmebebes · 27/08/2023 10:12

Bit childish not to go to lunch. Can't you get a couple of hours kip now?

EverybodyLTB · 27/08/2023 10:13

I’m surprised at the responses.

He kept saying he’ll be back soon, I wouldn’t be able to sleep either - I’d keep thinking the door was going. It’s different if someone goes out leaving you in the full understanding they’ll be staying at a mate’s house, but the constant putting the time back is out of order. Also I don’t see why adults need to be out partying through the night at this life stage, when your partner is indoors pregnant. Life doesn’t need to stop when you’re having/have a baby, but the wild nights where you go off at your leisure with no thoughts to the people at home I feel need to be reined in a bit.

Clowninja · 27/08/2023 10:15

Try not to worry or be too cross when he gets home, it will only ruin your day.

I found with my DH when we were pregnant that his friends often encouraged him to get more wasted and stay out later at this time, using the old "X number of months of child-freedom left" etc line

NewName122 · 27/08/2023 10:16

Yabu. You didn't sleep, that is on you. Don't be petty.

melmos · 27/08/2023 10:17

Can't believe these responses - absolutely don't go to lunch you're pregnant with his child and he didn't come home last night. Also it's his family.

All nighters normally mean drugs or sex or both.

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:24

Crap of him OP. And I’d be really annoyed too. If he doesn’t have form for it I’d probably just let it be known I wasn’t happy at all and then move on. Go and enjoy your lunch - it’s Sunday! 😋

Original poster
sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 10:27

Thanks all, very mixed responses. I'm not annoyed of him going out, staying out at a friends. Just if he'd said even at 3.30 he wouldn't be home would have been better so I wasn't expecting him to roll in any minute.

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 27/08/2023 10:27

Assuming he is still not home, maybe he is having a full english & won't need lunch !!

Having taken the piss with staying out all night which was only decided after midnight I would be totally irked by his actions.

Some people do not sleep well when waiting for a partner or child to come home. I personally would be awake worrying of all the things that may have happened. That is the way my brain is wired.

My exh did this one too many times, not answering his phone whilst out enjoying himself. He found the door bolted on arriving home, I can't imagine he was too impressed at having to get the night bus around London to keep warm and have a sleep 😂

viques · 27/08/2023 10:27

I would go to the lunch anyway. If he doesn’t turn up you can tell them why. If he does turn up encourage everyone to SPEAK VERY LOUDLY and choose food he doesn’t like!

Clymene · 27/08/2023 10:28

Mamette · 27/08/2023 09:46

I would just go to the lunch. But when he comes back say, “look- you’ve messed me around here, I had no sleep, you could have just said you were staying over at Dave’s”.

Realistically his days of doing this are about to come to an end once the baby arrives.

GrinGrinGrinGrin

A guy who stays out all nights doing drugs with his mates when his partner is 20 weeks pregnant isnt going to suddenly turn into a saint once the baby arrives.

Violetparis · 27/08/2023 10:28

I think some of the responses on here are very harsh. I would not be impressed with my partner behaving like this.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 27/08/2023 10:29

Yabu and overreacting. And stop trying to punish him by skipping the lunch.

WandaWonder · 27/08/2023 10:30

Yes he should have texted but you are not his mother, I would have gone to sleep so you can't blame him for that and I am not sure what being 20 weeks pregnant has anything to do with it?

Pinkdelight3 · 27/08/2023 10:30

Just if he'd said even at 3.30 he wouldn't be home would have been better

Then I think you (as the non-drunk one) could also be the one to say stay out, you're keeping me awake waiting for you to come back. In future, you both need an agreement that he'll stay out so there's none of this crap to deal with. You don't want to be phoning him at 3.30 and he's unreliable so anything he's says in these situations is meaningless.

Original poster
sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 10:30

@Clymene and the PP who mentioned drugs - he categorically does not do any sort of drugs having lost a couple of his friends a long time ago to it. It's purely alcohol, way too much of it.

OP posts:
mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 10:30

What would his reaction be if you went out for a night and just didn't come home? You're right to be annoyed.

dhilez · 27/08/2023 10:33

Usual controlling weirdos on here….

He’s a grown man who stayed out with his friends. You’re a grown woman, if you can’t sleep that’s on you.

As for the people saying staying out with your friends must mean drugs or sex 🙄

dhilez · 27/08/2023 10:35

doitwithlove · 27/08/2023 10:27

Assuming he is still not home, maybe he is having a full english & won't need lunch !!

Having taken the piss with staying out all night which was only decided after midnight I would be totally irked by his actions.

Some people do not sleep well when waiting for a partner or child to come home. I personally would be awake worrying of all the things that may have happened. That is the way my brain is wired.

My exh did this one too many times, not answering his phone whilst out enjoying himself. He found the door bolted on arriving home, I can't imagine he was too impressed at having to get the night bus around London to keep warm and have a sleep 😂

I’m sure he’s very relieved that he’s your ex!!

AInightingale · 27/08/2023 10:36

Sort of get the feeling this guy is scared of the prospect of becoming a dad. How old are you both, because it sounds like he is trying to fit a lot of partying into these 9 months - does he often stay out to 3 am while you sit at home?

doitwithlove · 27/08/2023 10:37

@dhilez He is a grown man .... Who should NOT be taking the piss.

YOU know nothing about my marriage split so please jog on .........................