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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:

TheFoz · 26/08/2023 21:07

It’s fine that it’s ‘mummy’s decision’. Let it be mummy’s decision not to stay with a selfish, abusive, manipulative man. Get out now while you have made the decision before you change your mind. Tell family and friends.

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 21:30

You’ve made the right decision. It’s too little too late. If you did stay he wouldn’t keep up the change in behaviour. The attempt to control you by emotional
manipulation itself shows that he hasn’t changed at all really.

Restinggoddess · 26/08/2023 21:38

Well done you.

You have not acted in haste and have plenty of reasons / examples.
Stay strong - and stay your course.
Mummy’s decision was just, wise and overdue.
You deserve better.
Wishing tou all the very best.

cheddercherry · 26/08/2023 21:39

If he’d actually say that your kids then that tells you everything about him and is exactly why mummy has made the right decision.

Problesolving · 26/08/2023 21:41

He isn’t verging on being emotionally abusive. He IS both emotionally and physically abusive.

You’ve made the right decision.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/08/2023 21:42

You have made the right decision, don't let him make you feel shit about it either.
Keep moving forward.

JudgeRudy · 26/08/2023 21:47

Well yes, divorcing someone because they lost their temper or didn't clean to toilet properly is unreasonable. Divorcing someone because they've disrespected you and added no value to your life is perfectly reasonable. Does he not get it? The time to act has gone. You don't love him.

Penny to a pound he asks if there's anyone else because it would be incomprehensible to him that you no longer love him. I bet you're not even angry now.
"Baby, baby, baby you're out of time!"

Original poster

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 21:51

Wow he did say to me today I wish you would just tell me the real reason, there must be something else to this. Is there another man!

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 26/08/2023 21:55

Can’t he accept he’s a waste of space in your view? Why do men always think their partner is after another man? I’m guessing it’s because they’d want to leave their partner because the grass is greener with another woman….

scoobysnaxx · 26/08/2023 21:59

Don't doubt for a second that you have done the right thing.

It's too little too bloody late.

A lifetime of putting up with that AND 7 years of not intimacy. You done well to stick it out this long.

You've given it your all and everything for a long time.

Time to put your needs, wants and happiness first.

He'll be full of regret eventually but oh well, he should've respected the wife and family he had at the time!

scoobysnaxx · 26/08/2023 21:59

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 21:51

Wow he did say to me today I wish you would just tell me the real reason, there must be something else to this. Is there another man!

Just goes to show what he thinks about his behaviour. Not a problem? Why all the fuss??

Lol deluded he is!

Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 22:00

I would find it extremely insulting that he has suddenly started doing things when he has done nothing for years.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 22:04

Problesolving · 26/08/2023 21:41

He isn’t verging on being emotionally abusive. He IS both emotionally and physically abusive.

You’ve made the right decision.

This.

Well done for being brave.

He has abused both you and your children THAT is why you are divorcing him....because HE is abusive.

That is what you say on a loop.

Mummy is leaving daddy because he doesn't treat her or us well and we will be better living apart.

Stay strong.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/08/2023 22:04

I really hope one of your children say daddy, why are you doing that? You never do anything in the house…

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/08/2023 22:07

Well done OP. It sounds like the only right decision.

My kids know that it was my decision to leave their dad. I have told them that neither of us was happy, but that it was my decision that everyone would be happier if we lived apart. I’m more than happy to own it.

My exh was emotionally abusive but I don’t say that to them as such. I say I decided it was better for them and for us if we lived apart - that we would be happier and be better parents.

BounceyB · 26/08/2023 22:08

It's as much about how you feel that's important and not him. If you're not happy, and haven't been for a long time that's actually a good enough reason to end it.

ringsaglitter · 26/08/2023 22:12

I think you should have divorced a long, long while back tbh - once this is all over you'll be thinking the same:

"Why didn't I do this years ago?"

It'll be a difficult time to adjust first - but you'll come out in a much happier in the long run

Sauvblanctime · 26/08/2023 22:14

Problesolving · 26/08/2023 21:41

He isn’t verging on being emotionally abusive. He IS both emotionally and physically abusive.

You’ve made the right decision.

This.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/08/2023 22:17

You have made the right decision.

Well done, and dont let him gas light you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/08/2023 22:42

You can tell him you hope there will be another man. One that treats you with respect and shares as a partner. One that it doesn't take 18 years to figure out that someone cleans the toilet.

AbraKedavra · 26/08/2023 23:17

Why did you finally decide to divorce two months after he turned over a new leaf?

Original poster

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 27/08/2023 07:34

We actually separated really briefly in April (the kids didn't know anything they thought we were just having a sleepover at grandmas). We met up for a chat where he cried and begged for another chance saying he would change and he understood. It changed for 8 weeks and I have found things slowly drifting back to how things used to be.
I need to be firm this time.
I haven't moved out of the house and I think he thinks I don't mean it.

OP posts:

Member589500 · 27/08/2023 07:44

This was me - although it took over two years before I finally closed the door on my own place. A mix of pandemic/children’s exams/selling properties.
You have made your decision so it’s now all about the practicalities. A stable home for the children. Finances.
We managed to keep it amicable and that’s been enormously helpful so if you can avoid the blame game and keep things neutral and focused on the practicalities it may be easier.
I wish you strength and a peaceful future. I am very happy on my own.

Original poster

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 27/08/2023 08:02

Did you have boundaries with the kids and doing things as a family?
He still wants to do things together and come to my family events. We have a BBQ at my dad's tomorrow which he is talking about like he is coming.
Then I have a family wedding in a few weeks where we have a hotel booked.

OP posts:

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/08/2023 08:19

No op, you are separated. He'll use the family events to try charm his way with everyone and reduce your support network.

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