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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/08/2023 22:00

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 21:41

So after a day if saying to the kids it's all mummy's fault I don't want any of this.
The kids have gone to bed. I have tried to jolly then along all day and they have generally been OK.
He has come in crying saying I haven't given him chance he didn't realise, surely we are worth more effort.
I just feel so done but obviously guilty.
I do think it may be a pattern though.

Ignore him, it's all behaviour designed to manipulate you, even in the midst of this he is still trying to blame you as if you haven't given him chance after chance.
The only one that put no effort in was him.
He has been emotionally abusing you and your children all day today, hold on to that and ignore his crocodile tears, you are done with him, you don't owe him anything else.

CalishataFolkart · 28/08/2023 22:01

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 21:41

So after a day if saying to the kids it's all mummy's fault I don't want any of this.
The kids have gone to bed. I have tried to jolly then along all day and they have generally been OK.
He has come in crying saying I haven't given him chance he didn't realise, surely we are worth more effort.
I just feel so done but obviously guilty.
I do think it may be a pattern though.

Yes, you were worth more effort, but he didn’t make any which is why you are getting divorced. Crocodile tears.

dothehokeycokey · 28/08/2023 22:24

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9

Just tell
Him the way he's behaving in front of the kids is emotionally anusive towards you and controlling and it's making you think even more clearer than before.

Calmly remind him about the trial separation in April and how things haven't stayed changed and that you deserve more than that.

Also tell him nobody needs a reason to end a marriage.
You've given him the opportunity to change and he hasn't taken it.

I would also tell him that he is to no longer come to family events with you and to stop being so controlling as it's over.

You need to be firm and calm here and he's definitely going to try pulling out all the stops to be an ass as he's not getting his own way.

There are some good books that have been recommended many times here by Lundy Bancroft.

I suggest you start reading them now so you know what to expect because by the sounds of it he's playing the typical roles in the book.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 22:28

Ignore this arsehole.

It's over.

You are thankfully done.

Any hint of aggression, call the police.

At the slightest hint.

PinkArt · 29/08/2023 00:55

As @CalishataFolkart says, yes you were absolutely worth the effort, but he couldn't even be bothered to clean the toilet. He thought you were worth cleaning up after his literal shit all those times. He had 18 years to show you how much effort you were worth and he did fuck all. Even when he knew he was on final warning he still couldn't bother to put the effort in for more than a few weeks.
Stay strong. He is awful and he is indirectly doing you a favour by keeping up with all these new reminders of how awful he is. Keep a reminder list of all his fuckery somewhere if you need to, if you feel like his mind games are starting to work. And keep incentivising by thinking of all the lovely things life without him has in store.

Fraaahnces · 29/08/2023 01:08

Start diarising every single divisive thing he says and does (with context). Also tell him to stop forcing himself into social situations where he knows he’s not welcome - like your family things. Everyone can see through his performance and he’s done too little, too late. You have had empty words for years and nothing’s changed.

shitt · 29/08/2023 01:11

Just be honest with your children because he will get in and poison their minds…you don’t need to spin the children a story.

Duckingella · 29/08/2023 01:17

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9

Here's a thread you might find both comforting and inspiring given your current situation.

Plucking up the courage to leave. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave

Wishing you the best of luck.

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 01:21

What a manipulative, selfish prick.

If he cared about easing his children through this transition- if he was capable of putting someone else first- he would be presenting a calm and united front with you so they feel secure.

Instead he is carrying on like a victim, inviting conflict and causing them more upset.

You have made the right choice.

Duckingella · 29/08/2023 13:11

The only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because it'll mean having to cook,clean,shop for himself,do his own laundry and look after the kids on his own when he has them.He'll no doubt be panicking about money and where he'll live.

Marriage is merely convient for him as it means he gets a housekeeper.

Be forewarned;it seems to be standard that lazy arses like him who don't do anything and are crap parents suddenly start threatening 50/50 custody;they never follow through.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 30/08/2023 11:04

It's been a really hard couple of days. DD has had moments where she has felt really sad and keeps asking me to change my mind. Daddy doesn't want it to happen. I feel so guilty.
I tried to talk to husband last night about a schedule for the kids last night but he cried and said he didn't want to only see his kids half the time.
Also said he hasn't had time to fix things.
I am questioning everything!
Our normally routine would have been he drops at school and I pick up but yesterday he came home early so he could come with me to pick up. I just feel like he is taking over the time I have with them.
He also messaged this morning to say he has spoken with the headteacher about what has happened.
I did think it's something that needed to be done but feel like he could have spoken to me about it first.

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/08/2023 11:14

He's trying to control the narrative and ramping up his generally controlling behaviour.

So sorry you're having to deal with this. It's really hard.

The aim of his actions (including his manipulation of the kids) is all designed to make you change your mind and put you back in your box.

He is not listening to you, and not accepting that you are now separated.

You do not have to go in the car with him. You do not have to agree to him coming with you, whatever you are doing.

You really do need to set your boundaries. I know this can be hard, particularly when you are being bullied like this.

Remember to take deep breaths and hold a steady course.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 30/08/2023 11:18

Re-read your first post. He is abusive and controlling. And it's what he's doing now, trying to control things.

Emotional manipulation - control. Taking over stuff you normally do with the kids- control. Speaking to the headteacher first - control. Acting like Dad of the year, probably in an effort to make people think you're crazy divorcing him - control. Attending that family function, no matter how awkward, letting you know he'll be around whether you like it or not - control.

You've taken away his control by initiating the divorce and this is all a power play from him to break you down and get it back. He only cares about 'winning', if he cared about you he wouldn't have treated you like shit.

AdoraBell · 30/08/2023 11:28

YANBU. Mummy has made the right decision, also it’s better for DC be from a broken home than in a broken home.

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 12:24

Sicario · 30/08/2023 11:14

He's trying to control the narrative and ramping up his generally controlling behaviour.

So sorry you're having to deal with this. It's really hard.

The aim of his actions (including his manipulation of the kids) is all designed to make you change your mind and put you back in your box.

He is not listening to you, and not accepting that you are now separated.

You do not have to go in the car with him. You do not have to agree to him coming with you, whatever you are doing.

You really do need to set your boundaries. I know this can be hard, particularly when you are being bullied like this.

Remember to take deep breaths and hold a steady course.

EVERYTHING is about him.

EVERYTHING.

He doesn't care about you or the children.

EVERYTHING is about him, his life, what works for him.

The tears are of fury that HIS life might be impacted by you choosing to leave.

Don't kid yourself it is anything else.

Yes this is difficult.

The best thing you can do for your children is stay the course.

Ignore him and push forward.

Answer any sad questions from the children with a bright smile, positivity and looking forward to the future because EVERYTHING is going to be ok.

Reassure them that it is OK to be sad, but this is for the best and EVERYTHING will be ok.

You being resolute and calm WILL help them adjust.

Ignore that abusive manipulative prick.

mummabubs · 30/08/2023 12:46

I think his behaviour now is just still demonstrating his need to control the situation and control you. In your heart of hearts you know that you have given him plenty od chances. He can't claim that he was surprised at what you told your children when a) you'd already told him you wanted a divorce and b) he was literally emotionally blackmailing you to tell the children! Think back to what has led you to make this decision - he has shown that he's not ready or willing to change his behaviour. What you're seeing now is a childish display of throwing his toys out of the pram because you've followed through on the consequence of him not treating you with respect for so long. X

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 12:54

Oh and the rush to tell the school is because he has been abusive and he wants to control and manipulate the narrative.

You have every right to also have a conversation with the teachers and confirm that he has abused you and the child and you are now divorcing.

He absolutely knows he has abused you all, but didn't think you would leave.

Telling the truth will make all the difference to a bully like him.

cheddercherry · 30/08/2023 13:00

OP stay strong these are the oldest tricks in the book to isolate you, control the situation and guilt you.

Reread your first post, he’s had years to change. Out his behaviour and call it what it is. I totally agree with the poster above, your kids are better from a broken home than stuck in one.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/08/2023 13:39

He's absolutely vile OP. You're making the right decision, 100%.

He's also bloody stupid. He wants you to change your mind? And he thinks being even more of an arsehole than normal will achieve that?!

What a complete twat. You're well rid of him.

Grey rock OP. Don't let him do things like tag along with you, just leave without him.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/08/2023 13:48

He really is a piece of work isn't he, a piss taker and a coward.

Feverly · 30/08/2023 13:52

Stop focusing on the domestic abuser. Who cares what he says. Be proud-yes, it is my choice, there is no excuse for misogyny and domestic abuse.

Tell him he is only to speak to you about child arrangements, his food, his laundry is his problem, leave the room when he thinks you’re stupid enough to listen to his drivel. Get the kids counselling, having an abuser for a father does huge amounts of harm and he’s freely using them as pawns to target you. Tell everyone about his violent acts, and his use of the kids to abuse you further, everyone.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 30/08/2023 13:52

I have just accessed out bank statements for the first time in years. I havent had a card for ages.
He has transfered £7k from our savings last week into his own account. The bank wouldn't tell me the account details.
Can I do anything about this does anyone know?

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 30/08/2023 13:54

I'd tell him that HE made this decision when he decided that he didn't care about whether you were happy in the marriage.

He had a chance to change things and decided he'd rather go back to you being unhappy rather than pull his weight and let you have a life outside of basically being his maid.

He had warnings, he had chances and he didn't take them because he doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself.

If he cared that much about being with his kids full time he should have stepped up like a man and been a father when he had the chance.

Balloonhearts · 30/08/2023 13:57

No, I don't think you can. Happy to be corrected though. If its a joint account either of you are entitled to remove funds. I'd clear out the rest of it while you have the chance tbh.

Bonbon21 · 30/08/2023 13:58

There you go... he has shown his true colours... a sign of whats to come... get yourself ready.... ducks in a row etc....

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