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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 28/08/2023 08:27

It is mummy’s decision… own that shit! You deserve to be treated well and he has consistently treated you badly. My DD12 knows full well I divorced her dad because he was lazy - lazy around the house, lazy in his care of me, lazy I’m not getting a job. I deserve better. I want her to know that she deserves a great partner and that she can leave a less than great one because she feels she deserves better and I will support her.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 08:28

Proceed with the separation.

Surely him attending one or two functions where invitations have been long standing won't deter you.
After divorce you may find yourself at the same function as your ex and have to behave nicely in front of your kids and everyone.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 08:29

Yes absolutely not the end of the world I just think he thinks he has won if he comes with my family and acts like dad of the year and chats away with people.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/08/2023 08:30

Your children will be upset that their parents are divorcing, this is inevitable. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do. Tell them, rip the plaster off. You don’t need to have all the details worked out yet - of course it’s nice to present a solid plan of who will leave where etc but your H is an arse so he’s going to be unreasonable and obstruct you. So take his power about it away and tell the kids you’re divorcing.

cardboardbox24 · 28/08/2023 08:32

OP, HE is the reason you are divorcing, not you! If he was a decent partner you wouldn't be in this position.

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2023 08:33

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Is there a plan/timescale for selling the house? Or will he buy you out?

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 08:37

I have seen a solicitor yes but we haven't discussed it between us.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 28/08/2023 08:42

Be honest with your kids, then he can't have the power.
You are not happy. This isn't how a relationship should be.
Is there a spare room in your house you can move in to?

Sicario · 28/08/2023 08:46

Let him go to the wedding on his own. He cannot forcibly insert himself into your plans any more. Be open with your family that you are divorcing. Inform the school of what's going on - they may be able to offer counselling for the kids if they need it.

File for divorce this week. The sooner you get things rolling, the sooner it will be over with.

Ignore his stupid behaviour (singing in the kitchen? what an arsehole). And be prepared for him to turn nasty. They always do when they realise you mean what you say.

mummabubs · 28/08/2023 08:56

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2023 08:23

He doesn't care about the children. He's manipulative.

Don't tell him where you're going. Say you're popping to your mums. He's not invited.

The coming months are going to be hard. It will be worth it.

All of this. He is being incredibly manipulative and using his own children to emotionally blackmail you. Such low behaviour.

For what it's worth OP, your children may well be upset initially, but they will grow up and see this for what it was- their mum protecting them and teaching them what they should and shouldn't tolerate in their own relationships.

Itsokay2020 · 28/08/2023 09:27

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 its important to tell the children the truth, they will lose respect and trust in you if you try to flex the narrative. You and your children have to be the priority now.

If you move to your mums, put every personal possession in safe storage away from the marital home. Take photos of the house as it currently stands, the standard of decor, garden, maintained areas etc, as well as jointly owned furniture etc. Get an estate agent to value the property based on today’s market values, start doing the maths.

Start telling people, I know it’s painful, but the support it brings is immediate and it will help you. If he chooses to attend your family events, then there’s little you can but he’ll soon get bored. However, prepare yourself for the anger and even if you choose to stay for now, get your documents (passports, statements, insurance policies etc) and anything valuable over to your mum’s house for peace of mind.

Keep talking to your children, they will seek reassurance from you and your bond will strengthen as a result. Your new life is ahead of you, embrace it

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 09:36

This is just more controlling abuse.

Have you contacted Women's aid?

He has been repeatedly violent in the home throwing things.

You need to be very clear with people you are leaving a domestic abuse situation.

He has abused the children.

Be clear with your solicitor.

I am sorry.

You are trying to do this in a decent way.

He isn't decent.

He is abusive.

Ask for advice on how to move forward with divorcing an abusive man.

Find out is it ok to leave the home because of the abuse?

That is the narrative.

He thinks he controls the narrative.

Be open and honest if you go to your mums....you have been forced to leave the family home due to his abuse of you and the children.

First off get legal advice.

The children have to be told.

Don't not tell them and allow him to abuse you forward.

Keep it simple.

We are divorcing and you will stay with mum.

You can do this.

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/08/2023 10:29

Stay strong op. He's being abusive.

I'd get the family to rescind any invitations and to back you up.

Grey rock him as much as you can.

Sicario · 28/08/2023 11:05

I would also echo that invitations need to be clearly rescinded. Along the lines of "in view of your recent separation I am sure you will understand that it is no longer appropriate for you to attend our wedding/family event".

Using words and being very clear is the only way forward.

There is no need for anyone to apologise for rescinding an invitation if you use the above wording.

You need to have rock-solid boundaries going forward.

PinkArt · 28/08/2023 11:05

What relation is the family wedding to you? You can't force him to not go but you can control other factors. Don't travel there with him, don't share a hotel room, if there's a way of doing it without causing stress for the bride and groom perhaps see if you could not be seated next to him. If he's going to be a child and turn up, that's his prerogative, but him going is different to him going with you.
And approach everything that way. He's going to be difficult, you can't stop him being a cunt, but you can find ways to work around it so you aren't all dancing to his tune. Tell everyone that you are divorcing him. Own this brilliant decision you have made. Make him look like the twat is when he insists on going to a wedding, BBQ etc with your family who all know he's a controlling dick who you want rid of.
Good luck with it all. You and your kids deserve the brilliant future you are going to have away from him.

SeulementUneFois · 28/08/2023 12:43

Try to get him uninvited.

crumblylancs · 28/08/2023 12:55

Leave and go to your mums, if he's going to refuse to leave you might as well go now whilst you're sure on your decision. Just get the ball rolling in terms of divorce and getting the house split

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 16:14

So I did it I told the kids mummy and daddy wernt going to be married anymore. I said we would all live together till we sorted it all out.
He put his head in his hands and said 'I can't believe it'!
He has spent the whole day saying this isn't his choice to the kids.
He is now at my fanmily bbq and it's very awkward!

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 28/08/2023 16:17

Well done for taking control and moving forward with it. I’d be asking family to disinvite him and make it clear he’s no longer welcome to events that are on your side. You need some space away from him and he’s banking on you not calling him out. I’d just be upfront with family about the threats he’s making and how he’s behaving with the kids and make clear you need their support and to not let him in etc.

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/08/2023 17:01

I hope everyone is ignoring him. You need to make clear he's not welcome to family events anymore.

Tell your family everything.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/08/2023 17:28

Well done @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 , you told your DC as kindly as you could and by doing so you've taken away his chance to emotionally blackmail you. He couldn't believe you'd said it because now it's real and he's trying to pretend it's not happening.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 17:42

cheddercherry · 28/08/2023 16:17

Well done for taking control and moving forward with it. I’d be asking family to disinvite him and make it clear he’s no longer welcome to events that are on your side. You need some space away from him and he’s banking on you not calling him out. I’d just be upfront with family about the threats he’s making and how he’s behaving with the kids and make clear you need their support and to not let him in etc.

This.

Well done.

Please tell everyone that he is highly abusive and you are divorcing because of his abuse of you and the children.

Shine a big light on it.

He is a violent abusive man.

Be very calmly open about it.

There is NOTHING more powerful than the truth being spoken openly.

This is all on him.

It is the most effective way to get what you want, him gone, by him knowing everyone knows the truth.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 28/08/2023 18:02

Well done for taking this huge step. You are now well and truly on the way up the mountain and soon the wonderful view of your new future will be within sight. Stay safe and strong. You are stronger than you know and doing the best possible thing for your children x

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 28/08/2023 18:23

If he's going to continue this crap about going to things he was previously invited to by your family, and your family know the current situation, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask them to message or call him to say Fred, we know you and Sowhat are seperating. To be clear, you are not invited to xyz events.

I'd ask the wedding couple or their parents to do the same if you're close enough to them. Or call and cancel the hotel booking, make another one he doesn't know about, and leave without him.

This is just him continuing the abuse, you realise that don't you? Ask your friends and family to help protect you from him.

I'd also, being absolutely honest, ask your biggest male realtive at the bbq to take him aside away from the kids, give him his car keys / call him a cab, and tell him quietly to leave, right now. You all need to stand up to him or he's going to carry on with this shit. You've told the kids you're not going to be married anymore, you can explain that will mean you will be doing things seperately, so Daddy will go to see Granny, Grandpa and Uncle Mark without you, and you will see Nana, Auntie Sarah and Grandad without him.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 21:41

So after a day if saying to the kids it's all mummy's fault I don't want any of this.
The kids have gone to bed. I have tried to jolly then along all day and they have generally been OK.
He has come in crying saying I haven't given him chance he didn't realise, surely we are worth more effort.
I just feel so done but obviously guilty.
I do think it may be a pattern though.

OP posts:
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