To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

Hi, thanks!
Been a bit of a week, financial settlement finally sorted and I complete on my new house next week!! I don't know how I have had the strength to get to this point and the daily stress and anxiety has been awful. I'm not sure how to feel really, hoping when I get the keys next week it will all sink in a bit.

Haven't been back to the counselor for a couple of weeks but going to sort out another session again soon as she was really good.

DD still refuses to see ex and sometimes doesn't even want to speak on the phone.
DS is still doing 50/50 but has been saying more frequently that he misses his Dad when he is with me! Not sure how that's all going to play out long term but just going to try and stay consistent and hopefully the new house will help him feel a bit more settled.

Going to apply to court for a specific order for next year's holiday which I'm sure will rock the boat!

I'm not sure if ex still truly understands it all because only this week I have had messages asking if he can come with me to something I have planned with the kids and my family at the weekend. I have just ignored him but really hoping to get to a place where I can just text and say no!!

My family are all worried about him being only a 5 min walk away when I am in the new house and have said I need to be prepared from him turning up unexpectedly and wanting to come in!

I can't believe this weekend is a year since I moved out and in with my Mum - hardest year of my life but hopefully turning a corner.

Congratulations on getting this far and good luck with your new home

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 well done on getting your new home sorted. I remember your Exs obsession with going to all your families outings when you were seperated, you'd think by now he'd know he's not welcome anymore.
You need strict boundaries now, it's your house and he's not allowed in unless you say so, keep your doors locked and don't let the DC answer the door, I'd also not give the DC keys until they're older. Hopefully in time your Ex will stop trying

Moving into your new home will be life-changing. Your own space. Yours and nobody else's. I remember that moment so well.

One day, to my absolute horror, my ex decided to just barge in while I was in another part of the house and I swear if I'd had a gun in my hand I would have used it. I went nuts and yelled at him to get out. The look on his face. As though he felt entitled to come into my space. It never happened again. Every door was well and truly bolted and I would stand out in the drive when he was due to arrive and not even let him past the gate.

I expect there will be multiple attempts by him, including working on your son, along the lines of "dad wants to see my bedroom". Don't fall for it. Even if you have to tell your son, "no, daddy doesn't come into this house", and make sure you've told your ex that too so that it is absolutely clear that he is not to enter your home. It needs to be a clear rule, spelled out at the outset. Kids understand rules.

Hey, hope your not all getting fed up of me! Have the keys to my new home and we have been moving in this week!! Not sure it all really feels real yet!

Had an email from him today about Xmas and how he wants to come round Xmas eve evening and Xmas day morning. He also wants to meet for breakfast Xmas eve and for me to go to his mum's for Xmas dinner!!!

I absolutely do not want him in my new house!

We have still been doing family therapy in an attempt to 'co parent' better although I have really just been going along with it!

My only fear really is that he is going to use my son and I do think he is now using him as a way to control me as he wants to meet up for a family meeting that was initially suggested by the therapist to allow DD to reiterate her feelings it's now been spun by him as a conversation about how DS wants Xmas to look!!

You reply and grey rock

"That doesn't work for me. Would you like DS X or Y"

Treat him like a toddler. Closed choices. No, that's not happening. Do you want DC Xmas eve day or boxing day?

Great news on your new home!

I concur with Random about grey rocking and issuing a firm no.

There will be no contact arrangements taking place at your address. What times would he like to collect and return the children. He is not to enter your home.

These controlling men will take a mile if you offer an inch. And they HATE boundaries. It gives them the rage.

Stand firm. You are a warrior.

Did he make the pledge to change before you announced you wanted a divorce or did this has come after?

If after you told him it was over then it could all be construed as an emotional guilt trip to get you to change your mind and the effort will probably cease as soon as you tell him you've decided to give it another go.

If this desire to change his behaviour came first and he really has been trying to make an effort then you are basically saying you checked out a long time ago and nothing he can say or do will fix it. You're done.

Either way it sounds like your mind is made up and you are not being unreasonable to want to end this marriage

You need to re-frame your thinking.

Don't ask yourself what HE wants.
Don't listen to what he says HE wants.

It's NOT about HIM. From now on, it's only about what YOU want. It's about what YOU think is best for the DC and what is best for YOU.

Don't allow him to try to use your DC to 'influence' your decision making either.

If your kids suddenly say that they want Daddy to come to their house on Xmas eve/day/night/boxing day, simply tell them that this is YOUR house, NOT Daddy's, and that when they see Daddy, it will be at HIS house.

Make it 100% clear to the DC that YOUR house is out of bounds to him.

Make it 100% clear to ExH too by telling him what will be happening at Xmas, NOT asking or 'negotiating' with him.

eg. ''ExH, the DC will be available to visit you from 330pm to 7pm on Xmas eve. You will collect them from school and I will collect them from your house at 7pm. If you want to see the DC, I will drop them at your house at 11am Xmas Day and collect them at 2pm, as we will be going to my parents for Xmas Lunch and supper.

(Or as PP's suggested, giving the choice between X and Y only.)

It's no longer about trying to make HIM happy. It's no longer about doing what HE wants, when he wants etc.

It's about setting the very reasonable boundaries for your new co-parenting 'relationship'.
He will try very, very hard to keep the 'status quo' of him making decisions and you running around pandering to him, but stay strong and ride it out until he has no option but to accept a new 'normal'.

If he can't pick the kids up from school or isn't at home when you try to drop them off, then tough. You just go home and he has to wait for the next scheduled visit. (Make sure he can only contact you through an email address. All other methods of contact stay blocked)

Setting your new boundaries will be hard work, and he'll try anything and everything to try to force you back into the subservient 'accommodate' role he put you in during your relationship, so persistence, perseverance and patience will be your new 'norm'.

Just remember, if it was truly 'impossible' for anyone to 'manage' school pick up's, meals, homework, after school clubs, classes, sports etc, then how the hell do you and countless other Mums manage to do it?? Yep, they simply prioritize the kids needs/schedules etc.

He CAN do it, he simply wants YOU to continue to bend yourself all out of shape, arranging and accommodating things to suit HIM and HIS 'priorities'. (Usually his work and social activities or sports)

You'll soon see how much his DC are 'prioritized' by him.

You've done the hardest part, now at least you have your very own 'safe haven'.

You simply need to keep on keeping on.

I think @Whatbloodysummer 's advice is very good Op and you should pay attention to it. Your Ex is all about going everywhere with you and trying to manipulate your DC to pull you into line, well now you don't have to pay attention to him anymore, your house, your rules. Don't get into extensive discussions with him, just state your point - No, he can't come to your house Christmas Eve or Christmas Day but you'll make the DC available for part of Christmas. He won't like the word No but he's going to have to get used to it, your only connection to him now is as co-parent, you and him are over

He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names...
...We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years

No. This man is not to come in your home. Not for breakfast, presents, nothing.

Ime it's hard to get used to this but keep reminding yourself. This is your home. Free from this abusive twat. A safe, peaceful place for you and your children.

Be a strong role model for your children.

He's testing you, they're watching.

"No, we won't be having lunch together"

"No this isn't daddy's house".

Hello @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - how are things? Hoping you have settled into your new home and that there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Sending best wishes!

Hi, thanks! Kids have settled great into our new home!
I have had him on the doorstep lots but I just stand in the doorway so he doesn't come in!!!

I have had a court date through to get permission for holiday next year, fingers crossed for that!

He is getting wound up as Xmas is getting closer as he still isn't seeing DD without me there. I have agreed to some specific times over Xmas that I am prepared to be there so he can see her but clearly it's not enough for him!

I honestly can't see a way that she will ever want to spend time with him on her own again.

I'm getting so much better at ignoring him, blocking it out which is good.

Light is definitely at the end of a long hard tunnel!!!

That's a lovely update to read. It sounds like he's always got to be an absolute dick but you're managing that so much better.

Good update @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 , you've started as you mean to go on. He was so resistant to the breakup that it's going to take a while for him to adjust but that's not your problem. It's a shame a grown man can't show his DD a bit of understanding, if he'd stop pushing for her to stay with him she might come around but he's still doing me,me,me.

Well done! Creating your own happy home on your own terms is just the best feeling. And the courts will take a very dim view of him getting the arse about you taking the kids on holiday. (Been there, done that.)

Ignoring and blocking gets easier and easier until he becomes just an annoying blot on your otherwise lovely landscape.

You rock.

Was really looking forward to Xmas in our new home but the past few days have felt really emotional! I am dropping DS off at lunchtime on Xmas day and feeling really sad about it.
DD is staying with me all day but in some ways it makes it worse that they aren't together.
Just feel sad I will miss half of Xmas day/boxing day with him.

I have them both Xmas eve and we are having a party with all family then I get to wake up with them. I know it will be amazing just sad about the bits I don't get to spend with him.

Also ex husband keeps knocking on the door - nights when I have both children he makes an excuse to knock on and have a conversation. Anyone have advice on how to stop that???

Massive squishes.

can you just ask him not to keep popping round as it’s interrupting your routine and evening and in future if he has something to ask he can message/email/send a pigeon.

Have you got a ring doorbell? If not get one as a Christmas present to yourself. That way you don't need to answer the door at all if it's him. It's another power/ control move, so cut him off.
Is there any way you could structure Christmas slightly differently to make DS not being there fractionally less tough? Is there a film you and DD love that he hates for eg that you could watch as a pair.

Get a ring door bell and ask your solicitor to send him a letter telling him he is not to knock on your door. If he has anything to say he emails you, or you use one of the parenting apps

in the meantime I would tell him he is to stop, that you will report each occasion via 101 to the police as harassment.

Well you’ve been far more accommodating than I would have been. It’s simply manipulation and control. I would just ignore him. He’ll go away eventually.

I hope you don’t respond to all of his messages, as that is what is feeding him. I would only respond to minimal relevant ones, either by email or parenting app like PP suggested. Keep messages short and to the point.

This

I remember this from last year and have just re read all your posts and the updates.

Wow. You’re a really lovely mum. I’m so pleased you’ve kept going. Huge congratulations on the house.

It still sounds so tough but you come across as so determined. No practical advice, other posters have been fab at that. My parents divorced when I was 10. I could see in my teens what my dad’s behaviour was really like but it took until my 20s to really appreciate how strong my mum had been through it all. Both your children sound lucky to have you!

That's rough, but know that your Christmas day will be fine. Don't worry that DS and DD aren't together on the day for all of it. Siblings are very much their own people and don't necessarily figure in their brother / sister. They think of themselves first.

As for exH knocking on your door. I agree that needs to be stamped on. He's trying to invade you home and you knew this would happen.

I agree that it requires a solicitors letter to say he is not to arrive at your house and knock on your door without prior child-contact arrangements, and that it will be reported as harassment (which it is) to the police.

Yes on the Ring doorbell.
Do not answer the door to him.

Solidarity to you.