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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 01/09/2023 13:34

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 12:22

Just had a row with him after I asked if he had seen the proposed Schedule I sent him for 50/50 custody for the kids.
He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.
Is there any way that a court would award him more than 50%?
He said I can expect to hear back from him on Tuesday after he has had legal advice.

Just another tactic to bully you with and try and get you to back down.

Op, I'm worried for you. You aren't dealing with a rational, reasonable man.

Grey rock. Don't be drawn into arguments etc. that's feeding right into his stance.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/09/2023 13:42

He is ramping up the cycle of abuse.

Be very careful and very clever.

Gymnopedie · 01/09/2023 17:00

He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.

OP have a quiet chortle to yourself and leave him to his illusions. Any decent solicitor will laugh at him (even if only in his/her head). And if he persists a judge will also laugh at him, possibly more openly.

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 17:04

He has called me horrific infornt of the kids for saying I am taking the kids to my Mums birthday next week and saying he shouldn't come.
He is saying it isn't legal to take them to my family wedding the weekend after for an overnight.
I am really feeling worried about it all.
Can he block me taking them to things?
I'm being very reasonable and saying he can have exactly the same time another weekend just to let me know when.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 01/09/2023 17:34

Nope. There's no court order in place, you could leave the country and take them on a months holiday if you wanted as long as you can prove your intent to return.

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 19:26

Thanks. But then I am guessing he can do the same?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2023 20:02

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 19:26

Thanks. But then I am guessing he can do the same?

Yes he could so make sure you have their passports stashed at your parents house along with your other important papers.
Don't believe a word he says, it's all desperate lies.

SquishyGloopyBum · 01/09/2023 21:35

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 17:04

He has called me horrific infornt of the kids for saying I am taking the kids to my Mums birthday next week and saying he shouldn't come.
He is saying it isn't legal to take them to my family wedding the weekend after for an overnight.
I am really feeling worried about it all.
Can he block me taking them to things?
I'm being very reasonable and saying he can have exactly the same time another weekend just to let me know when.

Stop listening to everything he says. He's bullying you.

He's lost control and is reacting.

Please be careful. Don't talk to him like he's a rational reasonable person- he isn't.

I'll wager he'll try and sabotage you taking the kids to the wedding. Be on your guard. Can you all go up early and not tell him your plans?

SquishyGloopyBum · 01/09/2023 21:36

Same for your mums birthday too. Change the plan slightly for going but don't tell him.

Walkinganywhere · 02/09/2023 07:42

He's talking rubbish. I'm separated but living together. Filed for divorce in April.
Mine is similar to yours but much more covert. Same...he is hiding he has savings (that I photographed statements for before he started hiding them) and says he's being led by me as he doesn't want this. Claims he wants kids 50/50 and won't sell the house. Can't afford to buy me out snd he works full time whereas I am part time AND term time only. Has made no attempt at filling in paperwork I've given him to start financial process.

I've taken my two away to family and on holiday and there is nothing he can do about it. All I do it tell him it's happening and do it. I tell him where we are going and roughly time details.

If I am out without them I no longer say where I'm going or what I'm doing just that I'm out.

This has been a slow drip process as we've been in separate bedrooms a year and he's only just stopped asking me where I'm going etc when I go out on my own.

So take your time and go slowly. Do not back down from the wedding as he is manipulating you. Once he begins to see you are standing your ground he will slowly back off.

I highly recommend getting in touch with womans aid / refuge/ or your local domestic abuse support for someone to talk to and get advice and support if needed. They are excellent. DA takes all forms and can be very subtle and covert.

GabriellaMontez · 02/09/2023 08:11

He's going to continue being a twat and making life as hard as he can. Which is normal for him from your description.

Don't rise to his threats. No one is going to give him 100% custody.

Continue with your plans. Is your solicitor helping you with the next stages?

Stop telling him where you're going.

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 02/09/2023 11:27

Thank you for all your responses. They are helping me so much.
Me and the kids had plans today we have season tickets for or local team and normally go out to do something a few hours before the game.
He has taken my son to play his football match with the intention I would go and watch the last bit and he would come back with me.
My husband has text me saying my son wants to come with him before the football game so be will meet me outside the stadium just before to drop him to me.
I don't want to cause a scene for my son, he is only 8 and I don't want to put extra pressure on him but this feels so unfair.
He also has the kids tomorrow for the afternoon to do something with his family (which he does just keep saying well you are invited to come!)

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 02/09/2023 11:52

Yes he could so make sure you have their passports stashed at your parents house along with your other important papers.

I know we’re all on OPs side here but as neither parent has custody hiding the kids passports is inappropriate unless he’s a flight risk and may be looked down upon if he brings it up in a case.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/09/2023 12:54

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 02/09/2023 11:27

Thank you for all your responses. They are helping me so much.
Me and the kids had plans today we have season tickets for or local team and normally go out to do something a few hours before the game.
He has taken my son to play his football match with the intention I would go and watch the last bit and he would come back with me.
My husband has text me saying my son wants to come with him before the football game so be will meet me outside the stadium just before to drop him to me.
I don't want to cause a scene for my son, he is only 8 and I don't want to put extra pressure on him but this feels so unfair.
He also has the kids tomorrow for the afternoon to do something with his family (which he does just keep saying well you are invited to come!)

I'll wager he put the idea on his head.

Can you go watch him at the match as planned. Say you didn't see the text? Then just be business like and say right let's go to the football?

PinkArt · 02/09/2023 12:57

Look the good news at this stage is that he's actually shit at all the theatricals and the threats.
A man who doesn't even know how to clean a toilet isn't actually going to want full custody of his kids and all the work that involves.
A man who loves his kids so much he wants full custody doesn't make things harder for them by calling their mum names in front of them.
A man who desperately wants another chance doesn't take money out of the savings account 'in case you don't pay the mortgage'.
He's playing nasty games but he's playing them so badly. Please keep sharing here. From the outside his behaviour is laughably transparent but he's obviously done a number on you if you believe any of it. Use the joint cynicism of this group to keep pulling back the curtain.

Brainworm · 02/09/2023 13:55

'What's best for the children' will form the basis of any legal determination about access arrangements. It is highly unlikely that anyone would deem more time with him than you as being 'best'.

It sounds like you (OP) are already using this principle in your decision making and he's not.

It is obvious that he is hurting, is angry, blames you and is wanting to punish you. He isn't acting like someone who is trying to make it as easy as possible for the children. This isn't going to help anyone.

My work often involves supporting family members in these sorts of circumstances. As previous posters say, the most common outcome when family dynamics share the history you describe, is that of the father reducing and reducing their contact as time goes on, even when they fought tooth and nail for 50:50 or more.

Often, fathers enjoy facilitated and non demanding parenting that comes with being in a family unit where the mother does all the heavy lifting. Having sole parenting responsibilities whilst accessing one's children isn't the same. Sadly, this tends to fuel further resentment and blame towards the mother and reducing time spent with their children.

It's important for you to hold on to the facts that it is entirely reasonable for you to end the marriage, whilst it isn't easy for children - they can and do cope well with divorce, he needs to come to terms with the situation through accessing support (informal or professional) from people other than you and your children.

I'm sorry that all of you are having to through this. It isn't something anyone chooses, but it's something many people have to face. It sounds like you are navigating it really well, despite it being so difficult.

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 02/09/2023 22:28

Went to watch my sons match and asked him at the end what he wanted to do, he seemed so unsure so i just said oh you should go with Daddy if you want, so he did.
I think I need to get tougher, I just didn't want to put him in the middle.
My husband said oh I will be waiting for you outside the stadium at 5pm to drive us all home and I said no we will meet you at home. So after the match we met some family/friends then went home after.
Came home to him in one of his nice moods so I have just been nice back to him.
My daughter has spent some time with my Mum on her own today and has said to me tonight she feels alot better after a chat with grandma. She has explained it will be better to have 2 happy places.
I know tomorrow will being lots more games. Hope its OK to keep posting here it's helping to get everything out

I really don't know what to so about the wedding we are going to still. Its my cousin but he says he is invited so is still coming. I can't really stop him without causing a fuss so maybe he will just have to come!!

OP posts:
PinkArt · 02/09/2023 22:54

No more we-ing. You're right, you can't stop him going but you can absolutely not facilitate it. You go to your family wedding with your lovely kids and have a fabulous time. He can do what he likes. If he insists on going, and looking like an absolute twat by forcing himself on a group of people who wont want him, there then let him crack on, but he obviously makes his own way.

GabriellaMontez · 03/09/2023 07:51

Can you ask your cousin to uninvite?

Does he know your cousin?

Does he know the details of the event?

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 11:06

I wouldn't hesitate to ask your cousin to uninvite him.

You are leaving an abusive marriage finally.

You do not want him there.

Not unreasonable at all.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/09/2023 15:25

Ask your cousin to call him and tell him he's not invited, surely? It's your cousin, it's not like it's Gail from accounts.

If my cousin asked me to uninvite someone like him from my wedding I'd not hesitate for a moment to tell him in very small words that he's not welcome. Is there anyone else you can take as a +1 if meals and seating plan are already decided so it's the least disruption possible?

Also, if you take a +1 there will literally be nowhere for him to sit which would make it harder for him to muscle in.

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 04/09/2023 09:07

He came to me this morning with a list of things to save the marriage, things he will promise to do. Some of then things he has never done. Like cooking for example.
I let him have the whole afternoon with the kids on his own yesterday, he said I was invited though. He has said this morning that I have 100% access to the kids as he is inviting me to his things with his family.
I however am restricting his access to the kids as I don't want him to come to my things. He told me this was illegal.

My son told me that on Saturday daddy said to him that he would love it if he came with him so that he wasn't on his own.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2023 09:46

More manipulation.

He can spout any shite he likes.

Keep repeating that the marriage is over.

"Please stop emotionally abusing the children by refusing to accept it and burdening them with your emotions."

Keep your focus on what you need to do.

Contact your cousin.

Call 101 and put a marker on your home address.

This is a violent abusive man that you have told you want a divorce from.

He is volatile, unpredictable and refusing to accept what he has been told.

You need to contact 101 so should he get nasty, they will come quickly.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 04/09/2023 09:53

Just want to let you know you are being amazingly strong in a very stressful and emotionally abusive situation. There is light at the end of this tunnel and life will be so much better for you and the children.

It's incredible the things they fabricate to try and get their own way. Suddenly x,y & z is illegal.

Insult to injury that he also knows how terrible he is by presenting his list. He has never cooked? What a nasty useless man he is.

Am reading all your updates and sending virtual hugs and support x

Balloonhearts · 04/09/2023 10:47

🤣 what bollocks. Interesting where he lives isn't it? Love that he thinks cooking will save the marriage. He hasn't pulled his weight in a very long time, it's too late to offer false promises to change.

As long as you aren't actually preventing him seeing his kids at all, you've nothing to worry about. You are under no obligation to invite him to anything. Judge would laugh him out of court.

He is seeing his kids. All he will get awarded in court is 50 50. He will have them half the time. Atm he's getting contact whenever he wants so he would be wise to stop rocking the boat.

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