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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/08/2023 09:32

No, you are separated and divorcing.

Start telling people today.

Do NOT allow him to bully his way into going.

The sooner you tell people the better.

The longer you don't you are bolstering his view that he can bully you to relent.

No further outings at all.

Tell people today.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 09:39

Please tell your family asap so they know not to let him in.

Please don’t feel sorry for him and let him come, be firm and clear he can’t come.

Stratocumulus · 27/08/2023 09:45

Stand your ground.
Which part of “it’s over” does he not understand?
You've tried & its failed.

Men never see the writing on the wall. They think we’re too weak to ever make it happen.
Their ego just can’t believe we’re strong enough.

Don’t worry about him. I bet that within a few weeks of proper living apart, he’ll be out with someone else.
Don't look back!

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 27/08/2023 10:09

Had the conversation with him as I was hoping to not tell the kids foe a little while until we had things sorted out but he is saying if my decision is final then I need to tell the kids. Until I do he will be coming to things as the kids will think it's weird and he is not prepared to lie to them!
He is such a wanker!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/08/2023 10:13

Well done you. Keep moving forward.
As one who has tried to end it twice, don’t make my mistake, keep going.

crumblylancs · 27/08/2023 10:14

Is there anywhere he can move out to? He'll soon realise it's real if either you or him leave the house

F0rbiddenPlanet · 27/08/2023 10:33

File for divorce, get the paperwork rolling asap

One of you doesn't need to move out (unless you can afford to)

Tell friends & family

Freedom

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 10:49

Tell your family you're divorcing him so they don't fall for his lies. Start the divorce as soon as you can. The fact he thinks you have another man is so telling Op, he just can't see that he's been a poor DH to you

cheddercherry · 27/08/2023 11:51

Tell the kids, and tell your family. You’re separating for a reason so no, family events with your side and holidays etc are separate- you’re separating for a reason. I agree with other posters him wanting to maintain control over coming to events with you side just isolates you from having a space without him. It’s just not the done thing when you’re separated and he needs to realise that.

There’s so much support out there for kids going through this process too and it only gets messy if parents start emotionally blackmailing them and firing open shots. Kids will have already picked up so much so don’t be so sure they won’t have already considered this. Depending on ages my friends 7 year old outright asked her why she hadn’t divorced daddy because she knew kids in her class who’s parents didn’t live together, even she could tell it wasn’t a good environment. So take control of the narrative now before he gets into your head again and start moving forward. Like you said you gave him a shot and lo and behold he’s back to how he was, so no, this ain’t ever going to get better as it is.

sparkleshin · 27/08/2023 12:24

If you want to leave him because he hasn't been doing anything, why didnt you leave in those 18 years. Why are you leaving now that he has suddenly started doing things for himself?

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 12:29

sparkleshin · 27/08/2023 12:24

If you want to leave him because he hasn't been doing anything, why didnt you leave in those 18 years. Why are you leaving now that he has suddenly started doing things for himself?

Did you even bother to RTFT?

We actually separated really briefly in April (the kids didn't know anything they thought we were just having a sleepover at grandmas). We met up for a chat where he cried and begged for another chance saying he would change and he understood. It changed for 8 weeks and I have found things slowly drifting back to how things used to be.
I need to be firm this time.
I haven't moved out of the house and I think he thinks I don't mean it.

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 12:46

Tell the children.

This is just more abuse.

Then tell family/friends about how he forced the children being told, just further abuse.

He doesn't care about his children, this is just further proof.

Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 14:08

I am totally woth you. I filed for divorce earlier this year, after telling him I no longer wanted to be with him last July. He says I am being unfair and not giving him a chance to show he has changed. Too little too late as far as I am concerned...along with one other issue that is a deal breaker for me...but, like you, I had to ask the question if I was being unreasonable.

Anyway, I am in the same boat as you and mentally I'm with you! Stay strong. I told our eldest I no longer wanted to be with his dad and I am ok to take responsibility of the decision that is mine. Just need to get the ball moving properly as he is dragging his heels because it isn't what he wants.

Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 14:10

Mine is the same...he thought me telling him I was going ti file for divorce was just me giving a kick uo the backside to try harder...or a cry for help.

TheOhGodOfHangovers · 27/08/2023 14:17

Insisting on coming with you to your family’s events is just about him controlling the narrative.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 27/08/2023 16:27

So he came first thing this morning along with my family and it felt very awkward. They all know what I have told him and think he is manipulative.
He even left with the kids first as I wasn't ready and text my brother where to meet.
He is going to force me saying something to the kids today.
Do you think I can say we aren't getting along and things will be done separately until we know more and I will chat to them when that is. No one is moving out of the home for now.
The legal advice said to me I should try and stay in the family home if its at all possible. I do have the offer from my mum for us to go there if not.

OP posts:
Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 27/08/2023 16:44

What a horrible situation he has put you in today. I think you just have to be honest with the kids and say everyone is staying living together for now but mum and dad will not be married anymore and in the future there will be two different homes. Today was the last time dad will attend an event with us and will not be coming to the wedding. He is trying to control you through your love for the children and wanting to protect them.

Be honest with them and don't let him hold this over your head. Once they know, the divorce will feel real and happening and hopefully you can find some extra strength from that xx

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 20:35

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 27/08/2023 16:44

What a horrible situation he has put you in today. I think you just have to be honest with the kids and say everyone is staying living together for now but mum and dad will not be married anymore and in the future there will be two different homes. Today was the last time dad will attend an event with us and will not be coming to the wedding. He is trying to control you through your love for the children and wanting to protect them.

Be honest with them and don't let him hold this over your head. Once they know, the divorce will feel real and happening and hopefully you can find some extra strength from that xx

Absolutely this.

Spell it out to them.

He couldn't care less about the kids.

He is just trying to control you.

Don't allow him to.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 08:17

Just had a conversation with the kids about mummy and daddy doing things separately for the next few weeks. I won't be going to this with his family and he won't be going to mine. It was supposed to be an initial conversation that could lead to a full conversation in a few weeks.
He has said infront of them that he is absolutely coming to everything he is invited too.
Do I just need to be honest with the kids today? He is forcing my hand. Everything will be my fault though, he has said he can't believe I have the heart to do this to the kids.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 08:20

What a manipulative shit he is. Time to be honest with the kids.

Who is inviting him to things? Have your family stopped inviting him now?

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 08:21

Well this was a long standing invite so original he was invited yes.
He is downstairs now in the house singing. While I feel sick to my stomach that I am going to be the one upsetting my children.
He told me I know where the door is if I want to leave.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2023 08:23

He doesn't care about the children. He's manipulative.

Don't tell him where you're going. Say you're popping to your mums. He's not invited.

The coming months are going to be hard. It will be worth it.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 08:23

Take a deep breath and make a list of what needs to be done.

What is the housing situation?

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2023 08:24

How old are the children?

It probably will upset them. But not as much as growing up with this wanker.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 28/08/2023 08:27

Children are 8 and 9. He is so good at game playing so will say things to them.
We own a house jointly but he has made it very clear he isn't prepared to leave.
I can go to my Mums she has enough room for me and the kids.

OP posts: