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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/08/2023 14:07

Please put a freeze on any joint bank accounts and make sure you have opened an account of your own if you don't already have one. Same goes for all credit cards and any other sources of cash.

This is all part of "the script" when a man sees his wife is serious about leaving. He will be hiding money left right and centre, and will also try to stop you accessing the funds you need to proceed with the divorce.

You will also need details of any pensions and investments.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/08/2023 14:09

Take your half of money from all joint accounts, do it right now.

Sicario · 30/08/2023 14:12

You will need to start creating a paper trail and being forensic about where the assets are. Also make sure that you have put a flag up with the land registry that you have an interest in the house. (This is the kind of man who takes his wife's name off the deeds.)

He will be compelled to produce statements for all accounts for examination during the divorce. (But still, this relies on him disclosing all accounts.)

If you have not already instructed a solicitor, then I would do so asap and commence proceedings.

I could be wrong, but I seem to recall that you might be entitled to legal aid if you are divorcing an abusive situation.

Sicario · 30/08/2023 14:13

And don't be afraid to ask him about the 7k he has taken from the account and demand to know where it is.

Mamasharp97 · 30/08/2023 14:17

You don’t actually need any reason other than unhappiness to get a divorce imo. If it isn’t working, you can leave.

he sounds like a narcissist so be careful with conversations about ‘another reason’ because he’ll be trying to twist it on you. It took me three hours to break up with my coercive and manipulative ex because he just kept saying ‘no we aren’t breaking up‘ and creating reasons why there must me something else going on, that no one else will put up with me etc.

get out as quick as you can my dear! Well done for breaking the cycle! It’s still painful, but you should be proud for putting you and dc first xx

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 30/08/2023 19:03

Questioned him on the money tonight and he has said he took it because I was acting unpredictable and he didn't know if I was going to stop paying the mortgage.
He asked if I was 100% sure he was the cause of my unhappiness as he has spoken to people and he can't understand any of it.
He said he didn't want me to wake up in 3 years and regret it!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/08/2023 19:12

Freeze the accounts (or take half and put it in a new account in your name) Please see a solicitor asap, you need to work out who’s staying in the house-do you work? I’d be sending him papers asap, he needs to understand you’re serious. Ensure your family don’t invite him to anything further and that he knows he’s unwelcome.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2023 19:18

The being unpredictable about paying the mortgage is just a poor excuse, if your're married it's joint money and he is only entitled to take half. Get your own account and put your money into it. This is the real him, the man who wants to bleed you dry before you leave him

Mamasharp97 · 30/08/2023 20:37

Financial abuse is a type of abuse so make sure you get some kind of recording of him saying that for if you have to go to court. As well as that, everything he’s saying is manipulative and coercive. I’d be sscretly recording conversations from now on just in case xx

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 31/08/2023 12:07

I told him he needs to put the money back or he needs to give me half. I have checked and he has put it all back this morning.
He has asked if we can effectively be separate but both have individual counselling. Give it a timeline and see if anything has got better.

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 31/08/2023 12:07

He's hilarious. And deluded.
Crying and begging on the one hand then shifting 7k from your account on the other 😂
Doesn't want you to regret it?

Is he really that dense that he would ask people outside the relationship if your thoughts and feelings regarding separation are valid?

He's playing such a game.

Don't look back OP.
Ducks in order asap.
Get ahead of the game.
Legal advice re finances/house/kids.

Don't let him keep spinning this woe is me take to the world.

Tell everyone the truth far and wide.

randomuser2019 · 31/08/2023 12:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

crumblylancs · 31/08/2023 13:38

Isn't weird how he was being an arsehole to you whilst he thought it was only a threat, but now you've told your children he's actually panicking and upset.

If you want the divorce, don't agree with his requests because it's only going to be harder on the children when you have had enough again and this will all have been for nothing

billy1966 · 31/08/2023 13:55

scoobysnaxx · 31/08/2023 12:07

He's hilarious. And deluded.
Crying and begging on the one hand then shifting 7k from your account on the other 😂
Doesn't want you to regret it?

Is he really that dense that he would ask people outside the relationship if your thoughts and feelings regarding separation are valid?

He's playing such a game.

Don't look back OP.
Ducks in order asap.
Get ahead of the game.
Legal advice re finances/house/kids.

Don't let him keep spinning this woe is me take to the world.

Tell everyone the truth far and wide.

This.

Believe me his biggest and ONLY concern is himself and people knowing the truth.

Telling the truth is the most powerful thing an abused woman can do IMO.

Bullys hate the truth coming out.

Feverly · 31/08/2023 13:59

Are any of the replies helping at all?

AbraKedavra · 31/08/2023 14:50

TBH it seems to me most replies are by the Misery Loves Co. Group. You're presented with a false dichotomy of either living unhappily with your husband, or divorcing and living happily.

Ignoring the fact that divorcing and the single life is far from a bed of roses (BTDT), and the promised bliss doesn't always arrive, you're forgetting that there's a third, optimal choice: fixing your marriage and living happily together.

While it's true that this option will take work, and in many aspects you might feel burnt out, the alternative will also take work. And in many ways fixing a marriage that once had potential is easier than rebuilding a life.

It's your life, OP, and you can do as you please. But IMO to not even properly consider 'can we make this work?' and 'how can we make this work?' is doing yourself a disservice. And frankly your children too.

Walkinganywhere · 31/08/2023 15:26

Keep a record.. copy or screen shot or download of statement. It is considered joint assets and can be questioned as part of the divorce. He will have to provide 12 months if bank statements from all accounts in joint and own names (as will you) as part of settlement and you get to see these so you know there is a different account now and if don't get evidence can ask.
More tricky if want to make an agreement between you as he doesn't have to provide statements. This is only if you use mediation or it has to go to court to decide finances.
You are entitled to 50% minimum of all assets...house, pension, savings, items, car etc... you may get more if your needs are greater.

Walkinganywhere · 31/08/2023 15:30

If you are unhappy and you are sure there is nothing he will be able to do to make things better, then divorce is the best choice.

The other option is to try and make it work, but you both have to want to and if you choose to but it still doesn't feel right then separating will be the better choice...it's not an easy process, but then neither will trying to make it work

Do what is right for you and with regards your daughter, think about what you want her to learn from a relationship...that with time and effort it can work, or that you don't just stay with someone for someone else. She need time to adjust too if you decide to split. She will. People do.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/08/2023 17:13

It's never OK to recommend staying in an abusive relationship.

scoobysnaxx · 01/09/2023 00:38

TomatoSandwiches · 31/08/2023 17:13

It's never OK to recommend staying in an abusive relationship.

This.

Never recommend staying in an abusive relationship or contemplating it.

His behaviour is abusive.

It's wrong and OP is not happy. Hasn't been for years. Hardly a rash decision is it?

Let alone the problems being there for the past 18 years with zero change and no intimacy for 7 years..

Montbresia · 01/09/2023 09:12

It would have been good to know the financial situation before telling him.

I have two friends going through divorces one is a way down the line and one is just about to inform her husband. Two huge differences between these women is one is going to struggle for money and take a big drop in lifestyle and one isn’t. Both desire an end to their marriages and past decisions can’t be changed to change their financial situations now. But emotionally one is struggling to detach herself and one is an absolute ice queen in her decision making.

Try and separate the emotional side with the practical side.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 12:22

Just had a row with him after I asked if he had seen the proposed Schedule I sent him for 50/50 custody for the kids.
He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.
Is there any way that a court would award him more than 50%?
He said I can expect to hear back from him on Tuesday after he has had legal advice.

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 01/09/2023 12:50

Not at all likely. A very commonly used scare tactic to get you to stay .He'd shit himself if he actually had to have sole care of DC.

Duckingella · 01/09/2023 13:10

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 12:22

Just had a row with him after I asked if he had seen the proposed Schedule I sent him for 50/50 custody for the kids.
He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.
Is there any way that a court would award him more than 50%?
He said I can expect to hear back from him on Tuesday after he has had legal advice.

He can tell what he likes "from his solicitor";however his solicitor doesn't dictate when you or he has the children;its extremely unlikely that any judge in a custody case that a judge would offer him more than 50/50 custody especially as you're willing to be so accommodating.

He will do whatever he can to bully you into not going ahead with the divorce.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2023 13:16

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 01/09/2023 12:22

Just had a row with him after I asked if he had seen the proposed Schedule I sent him for 50/50 custody for the kids.
He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.
Is there any way that a court would award him more than 50%?
He said I can expect to hear back from him on Tuesday after he has had legal advice.

No, as with every other word that spills from his mouth this threat is also designed to scare and intimidate you into getting you to back down.

Ignore it, all rubbish.

Grey rock op and carry on, you are doing the right thing, don't question yourself.