AIBU to be nervous about wanting a baby shower?

[Louisefo]

Just wondering what people’s views are on baby showers. First time round they were considered very American, but I’m keen to have one this time round. I just feel nervous not everyone will support the idea. What are people’s attitudes on here?

I honestly don't think a lot of people look that deeply into it. If you are invited by a close friend you'll know I'm sure whether you want to get a gift, perhaps the answer is to decline invites from people you don't know that well? I don't have any close friends who would be upset if they didn't get a present in this scenario.

@meditrina is correct.

I think that either way the notion of a party to honour someone for having a second child is going to fall rather flat. People can be happy for one another's milestones without a lot of fanfare and using up precious leisure time. Everyone is busy leading her own life.

I've been to a lot of baby showers (all in the UK), none of them have been self-hosted, and have pretty much been exactly as you've described the 'american' version to be, so not really sure where you're getting this from?

I agree with previous posters, MN hates most social activities so it's not exactly a representative view, it would be more relevant to gauge what people in your actual social circle think. If none of your friends have had them then perhaps they might think it's a bit unusual, particularly for a second baby, but unless you're significantly older than average I would imagine most people in their 20s-30s have been to at least one. Between me and my sisters our social circle spans late 20s to early 40s and they're very commonplace - and at the end of the day, if your friends don't want to come they can just decline the invite!

I don't see how they are grabby, I've never spent money at a baby shower that I wouldn't have spent buying the baby something anyway, it's just nicer and less stressful to give everything to the mum at the time, that way she knows what she's got and if she needs to buy anything else ahead of the birth, and doesn't have to deal with so many visitors soon after the baby is born bringing random stuff.

@mathanxiety I'm not sure whether you're from the U.K and the U.S, but I think you might be missing the context of my original post.
It's great that your colleagues organised a baby shower and practically bought your entire nursery including some very expensive items, so did other people. If you know that your circle is going to, and WANTS to do that, go ahead, organise whatever you want. Everyone's expectations are clear.

The situation I was referring to was one of uncertainty. You don't know what people are going to do or what they can afford. If enough individual people a) state that they want to visit your baby and b) ask to bring a gift you're welcome to tell them. But giving them a list without them even asking is presumptuous.

A lot of people I know are all having babies at the same time, or have young children already. They can barely afford things for their OWN children , all bought second-hand. Let alone stuff for other people's. When you're of a certain age and everyone's having babies of the same time it all adds up. In that situation , can you still say that expecting people to fork out is fair?

OTOH I know other people who are in a similar position to you, but that's fine, nobody's going to feel put upon. FWIW where I work contributions and collections are banned, but only because some 'popular' people got things organised and others didn't. Which I think is great and extremely professional.

The OP is 'nervous'. So I think her situation is more likely to be the first. Rather than the second. If it was the done thing she'd have happily carried on without giving a second thought,

I agree with previous posters, MN hates most social activities so it's not exactly a representative view

This is very true!

Each to their own. It's not my cup of tea. I'd go if I was invited, but wouldn't have one personally.

Cringey and weird plus I only really celebrate the baby after birth.

I used to work somewhere that would have bets on gender, weight etc and I could never take part. My boss asked me one time why I didn't and I just said imagine if something happened to the baby. She never bothered herself after that.

My sister is having one in October and I'm not even going to hers.

I don’t get them just think it is more American commercialism
I would never have one or go to one personally

Don’t like them, sorry!

I’ve been to a few and just felt really uncomfortable with the horrible games - such as smell melted ‘poo’ in a nappy to guess what chocolate it is, taste the baby food, and the boring game of guess the baby photo when you don’t know half the people there.

Most people buy clothes the baby won’t ever wear, rather than practical things. Most of the gifts are for the baby and the mum is forgotten.

I was thrown a surprise virtual shower during lockdown and it was just really awkward conversation. I am pregnant again and explicitly said I don’t want a real one.

One of my friends also had one for her 2nd baby and I made up an excuse not to go.

"MN hates most social activities so it's not exactly a representative view"

I love social events! I would literally
go to the opening of an envelope if there was wine. But a party that is expressly intended to give presents-nope.

I always think it’s far more appropriate to visit and bring a gift once the baby has been born.

The American influence of baby showers should remain over the pond in my view. Same for gender reveals. All deeply commercialised nonsense. But each to their own etc.

I’m the first one to pick up on how depressingly hermit-like and anti-social most people on MN are, but I don’t think that’s the whole story here.

Sure, some people won’t want to go a baby shower, because they’re safely locked and bolted inside their house with their ‘little family’.

But, really, the main reason people don’t like baby showers - as opposed to any other sort of social occasion - has already been well and truly outlined on this thread.

so you can just say no to the invite?
It's absolutely fair enough if something isn't your cup of tea
But this weird prevailing view on MN that it's somehow wrong/graspy/childish/ excessive (insert derogative adjective of choice) for people to have an event THEY want (whether it be a baby shower, abroad hen party, works christmas do, expensive wedding, or a 'big' birthday party for an adult) because some of the invitees might not want to come is just bizarre to me.

Totally get your point. Interestingly though, the other examples you’ve mentioned such as birthday party, hen do, wedding, work xmas party are all events I’ve had fun at. Baby showers have made me play really cringey games, have a higher risk of being awkward, and i’ve generally not enjoyed them. They can also be triggering for some.

hahaha same!
Even if it was a boring plain envelope with nothing inside, wine!

Well the OP asked, and an event needs people so clearly what the potential invitees think is relevant? Btw the OP has had one and said they were considered 'very American', she's nervous about a second.

I think she was hoping MN would be the opposite but nope. If 'some' invitees morphs to 'all invitees' and nobody turns up that defeats the purpose. People thinking it's grabby is relevant IMO. If it's gifting that's putting people off (as opposed to, say party games) then specify no gifts to get attendance.

No, OP didn't have one with her first child, thus the but I'm keen to have one this time around ?

Surely people rsvp? If everyone says 'no thanks' then, obviously, no party!

That sentence can be interpreted multiple ways.
If it's as simple as you say then no need for the OP to even ask on here. But she has, so people are free to give their opinions :)

No, grabby and cheap.

organise whatever you want...

I've already stated a few times that the honoree does not organise her own baby shower (or wedding shower).

giving them a list without them even asking is presumptuous...

Registries in the US, where I believe the concept originated, always include a wide range of prices.

The idea that it's presumptuous to send an invitation with a link to a registry isn't rooted in politeness. It's rooted in a very quaint notion that money shouldnt ever be mentioned, which means money is always on people's minds, and the equally quaint idea that it's not ok to look grabby.

If you start by acknowledging, as a guest, that going to a gathering without a gift would he horribly rude, and you work backwards from there, you'll see that it's actually polite to let guests know what is needed. This saves them time and money, which is a polite way to handle the delicate question of a gift. It also gets the drama out of the whole gift giving dance and lets guests focus on the fun and the people at the party.

it all adds up...

So the organisers (again, the honoree is not the organiser) ask guests to bring a board book their own child loved or something else equally simple and inexpensive. I've been to wedding showers where the guests were asked to bring a favourite casserole or dessert recipe (photocopied or handwritten). I've been to baby showers where the gifts were pictures drawn by the guests' children, some of whom were cousins and some of whom were friends of the mother to be. These were later put in Ikea frames and used to decorate the baby's room.

Fwiw, I'm Irish and showers were never a thing in Ireland when I lived there. The office I worked in in the US was full of lovely, generous, fun loving people who liked a good party - this describes most Americans I have met.

It's a huge pity your workplace was so unpleasant and that people there were so lacking in manners.

Lists are only needed for huge gatherings.

Showers are not that. The host can let guests know what the honouree would appreciate. Or as shower-type gifts are smaller, practical items, you get things you can't have too much of, such as a bundle of muslins, a children's book or toy, or baby toiletries. So the final example above is much more in the spirit of a shower than having a list.

@mathanxiety You haven't exactly challenged any of my points.
The 'you' refers to whoever organises, it doesn't really matter whether it's the honoree or not. Especially as in the context of this thread it's the OP who wants it. It's one thing to have people throw you a shower of their own volition. It's another to want one, 'get people' to organise it which in essence is the same thing as you organising it yourself, as 'you' are the driving force.

You and I also have different expectations of our guests. When I throw a party I don't expect gifts. Their presence is enough and I want them to enjoy themselves. I'd expect similar for a party thrown in my honour. I don't need to to do any 'gift giving dance' I just state upfront that it's not required. You, however see it as 'horribly rude' for guests to turn up without a gift so our values clearly differ.

Finally I don't think my colleagues lack manners at all. When you work in a large team some groups of people are naturally closer than others. Unless you want to stick someone with the 'office housework' of recording people's life events and organising things (usually left to women... lots of studies on this) you can't claim that person A lacks manners because they organised something for their workplace bestie, person B, but not for person C whom they see at weekly team meetings but don't otherwise know.

At the end of the day as I stated earlier I'm not against a party. 'Cringe' games, whatever, fine. It's the expectation of gifts. If people acknowledge that and either state no gifts or something simple then logically speaking this issue is solved. However most 'baby showers' I've been invited to are not like that - there's no guidance, the gifts have varied and there has been a lot of upset. The people who tend to 'have them thrown' have. a certain personality type shall we say. Even if I didn't manage to attend I certainly heard all about it!

Those what want a party tend to call it something else and those are actually fun, with consideration for guests. Happy to attend anytime.

Just make it something that won't cost them a fortune - a buffet at someone's house, no gifts or something like a book each,and accept that anyone who can't come can't come, no biggie

Wow, it's truly amazing how a perfectly lovely American custom has been corrupted and mangled and grotesquely misinterpreted in British hands.

The entire point of a shower is to give gifts. It's not any old party (and it doesn't have to involve games, or even 'cringe' games). It's a celebration with the specific intent of honoring the mother to be and giving her items she and the baby will need. Sniffing at this and asserting 'different values' (code for British superiority) is bizarre and imo just plain contrary.

I had a non- baby shower. A friend with a large garden hosted- we had a lovely picnic/ buffet lunch and just chatted. I don't understand the Americanised games/ activities and expecting gifts. It just was nice to spend the afternoon with friends.