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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be nervous about wanting a baby shower?

206 replies

Louisefo · 26/08/2023 19:37

Just wondering what people’s views are on baby showers. First time round they were considered very American, but I’m keen to have one this time round. I just feel nervous not everyone will support the idea. What are people’s attitudes on here?

OP posts:
Shopper727 · 27/08/2023 11:54

I’ve been to one, and honestly it was the worst 2 hours I’ve spent really cringe I have the mum to be a pampering set as wanted to wait to buy for baby once born but honestly I didn’t enjoy it at all. Wouldn’t rush to another one. Depends what your family and friends do I guess if that’s what happens you’ll be fine but otherwise a nice afternoon tea or pregnancy spa day maybe just to celebrate mat leave perhaps

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 11:59

grass321 · 27/08/2023 08:13

*They are organised by family and friends of the mother to be in her honour, to celebrate the fact that she's going to be a mother and to equip her with what she and the baby will need.

The grabby, self-hosted bit happened in the UK, sorry to inform you.*

'Equipping her with what she and the baby needs' is grabby. I've had two babies and, while the grandparents bought the odd thing, we bought the rest.

I don't expect friends and family, some of which have chosen not to have kids, to fund my baby equipment. Yes, some friends bought an outfit or book after the birth but there was no expectation on our side.

Perhaps I could host a holiday shower where I serve nibbles from the global cuisine aisle at Tesco and ask for contributions to a week in the Maldives.

Also wondering who on earth buys stuff that the baby 'needs'? Let's be honest here. Like you said people buy books or outfits, toys, these are nice to have but not needed in the same way, say a pram is needed.

The only way to make sure you get stuff you actually need/want is to create a registry but then you just look grabby. Which is the point anyway.

So there's no excuse really

Totallyterrific · 27/08/2023 14:56

Im long since past having any more kids but no way would I have a baby shower. Or a gender reveal party.
An afternoon of cake and hot choc etc with knitting and chat sounds like a fun alternative (no gifts)

JanesBlond · 27/08/2023 15:06

I find them a grabby, especially for a second baby - unless you have a huge age gap surely you already have most of what you need. Specifying what type of present you want (books) is very grabby.

CurlewKate · 27/08/2023 15:09

I don't think you're supposed to organise your own baby shower, are you?

Whitepaleness · 27/08/2023 17:42

General question, isn’t it grabby to have a hen party, engagement party, wedding, birthday party?

Just wondering how and where people draw the line and how?

If you’re fine with a wedding which is celebrating a couple and you take a present, have buy a new outfit etc is that still grabby?

When does a celebration move from acceptable to grabby? Where the line for people and how do you define it? Just curious

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 18:20

Whitepaleness · 27/08/2023 17:42

General question, isn’t it grabby to have a hen party, engagement party, wedding, birthday party?

Just wondering how and where people draw the line and how?

If you’re fine with a wedding which is celebrating a couple and you take a present, have buy a new outfit etc is that still grabby?

When does a celebration move from acceptable to grabby? Where the line for people and how do you define it? Just curious

I'm sure that it's easy to find a logical contradiction, but here's my personal take.
Wedding : Usually people bring a gift in recognition of the fact that a significant amount of money's spent on hosting them with food and drink. These days I'm starting to think that's silly as people spend so much getting to weddings and staying over, what with everyone scattered all over the place., and people choosing 'venues'. But back in the day with a church wedding and local pub reception it cost guests almost nothing.
Nobody needs to buy a new outfit unless the couple have some silly rule like colour codes (other than no white!) that's your own prerogative.

For all other things I don't think gifts are expected. As an adult I have gatherings for my birthday, no gifts. Friends have often paid for my meal and given me a card (as I've done for them!) but we don't do gifts. Personally I wouldn't mind not getting any wedding gifts from my friends but as it's our families that insisted on a proper wedding and didn't contribute anything I 100% expect them to stump up.

I do think that if the engagement party is elaborate (I know people have hired out entire restaurants etc and had catering) for them.... maybe people expect some sort of 'gift' as compensation?Not something I would do but maybe that's how others think.

Seashellies · 27/08/2023 18:23

In my friendship group we buy eachother presents when someone has a baby anyway, a few have wanted a get together and it's been lovely. I didn't want one but honestly if you're just inviting close friends and family I don't see the problem, it's a chance to get together and have a catch up and I'm sure most would get you a little something regardless!

mathanxiety · 28/08/2023 01:40

I don't see a wedding gift as a quid pro quo.

I have sent a wedding gift even if I'm not going to attend a wedding.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2023 01:54

Also wondering who on earth buys stuff that the baby 'needs'? Let's be honest here. Like you said people buy books or outfits, toys, these are nice to have but not needed in the same way, say a pram is needed.

@FasciaDreams
Er, people attending a baby shower buy what is needed.

I had a surprise shower thrown for me in the place where I worked before DD1 was born. My lovely colleagues bought a car seat, a high chair, crib bedding, cute little stuffed animals and mobiles, framed nursery themed prints, little clothes (practical items like packets of onesie vests), little board books; a few gave me hand crocheted stroller blankets and crib blankets.

Previously, my exMIL had thrown a baby shower for me, and guests bought a stroller, small chest of drawers, and numerous other items like a bottle warmer, wipe warmer, toddler cutlery, little toys and books, and clothes.

The only way to make sure you get stuff you actually need/want is to create a registry but then you just look grabby. Which is the point anyway.
I love registries because they take the silly guesswork out of choosing a gift. They save a huge amount of time and effort and are also less wasteful of resources than going out and buying something personally that might end up returned, or ordering something random that might end up returned. All that time and effort wasted, and the waste of resources involved in sending or bringing an unwanted gift - all in order to perform a silly pretense or politeness. Spare me, please.

Registries are not grabby; they're practical and efficient. Who could possibly think it's a good idea to give a gift of an item someone already has or doesn't need? Something they'll end up never using, or something they'll have to return, something that will clog up their storage space? I don't see the point to that at all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/08/2023 02:25

Tacky.

Even in America they are considered grabby and certainly only for a first baby, presumably to help equip shiftless parents. And not to be hosted by the honoree.

If you're already a mum, that ship has sailed.

MrsDrDear · 28/08/2023 06:28

The games are the worst, sitting around for hours pretending you're having fun. Baby showers are up there with daytime weddings. Boring as fuck.
I don't mind the gift buying though.

CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 06:46

The difference is that at a wedding, the couple are getting married, you are going to witness the wedding-and it is traditional to take a present. The purpose of the event is not the presents. The whole purpose of a baby shower is the presents-hence the name. And that is why it was traditionally organised as a surprise for the mother to be and why it's pretty tacky to organise your own!

DoIDareDareIDo · 28/08/2023 06:54

Spanne · 26/08/2023 19:42

Can you just have lunch or afternoon tea with your friends? Doesn’t have to be labelled as a baby shower.

But she wants people to buy her stuff.
Afternoon tea won’t pressure people to do that!

amiold · 28/08/2023 08:43

@DoIDareDareIDo OP hasn't said she wants people to buy her anything. She said she liked the book idea. Not that she would be implementing that.

Seashellies · 28/08/2023 08:44

DoIDareDareIDo · 28/08/2023 06:54

But she wants people to buy her stuff.
Afternoon tea won’t pressure people to do that!

Friends often buy eachother presents when they have a baby anyway? Or at least we do!

EatYourVegetables · 28/08/2023 08:54

I don’t know what’s worse - the attention seeking (“come admire me, I managed to get pregnant!!”), the grabby aspect of it (“bring me presents”), or the cringe, forced, awkward games.

Seashellies · 28/08/2023 08:56

It's strange on here, i can only think people have been invited to baby showers of people they dislike and so find them ridiculous. In real life its nice to celebrate things with friends, generally I've found as me and my friends get older any excuse to arrange to all get together is nice.

garlictwist · 28/08/2023 08:57

I've been to a few baby showers and actually enjoyed them all (and I don't have kids nor any intention of doing so).

I think it's a nice female ritual and a celebration of new life. It doesn't have to be grabby.

NemesiaPinkLagoon · 28/08/2023 09:14

I haven't been to many baby showers but I don't consider them grabby. In my mind the purpose of them is to celebrate and support the mum to be during her final weeks/ months before her life changes, to show her that she has a support network and to have fun.

One of the baby showers I went to was lovely as it was at the expectant parents' home and everybody made a quilt square which was then made into a large blanket for the babies (multiple birth).

Maybe we need a different name for the event as people seems to recoil at the 'shower' aspect.

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2023 10:19

I do not like them.. I agree with pp that they seem grabby. Especially if it is not a first pregnancy.

Goatymum · 28/08/2023 10:28

They didn’t exist in the UK when I had my DCs and I’ve never been to one (out of all my friends w kids, the youngest is 10) . I see them as a US import and a bit grabby and show-offy. People come to see the baby after birth and bring gifts then, don’t see the point beforehand (by all means see your friends/family for a nice pre-birth meal while you’re ‘free’, but a party w presents seems crass to me). Depends on your circle I suppose as well.

Goatymum · 28/08/2023 10:33

foolishone · 26/08/2023 20:31

Surely you can see there is a trend on here for seeming to dislike any social occasion.

There's also regular threads about posters choosing not to have friends and only spending time with their immediate family.

There's all the hen do/wedding hate too.

Feels all part of the same thing to me. With the added snobbery.

I have loads of friends but don’t like the idea of ‘showers’.
I had a hen night, had an engagement party and wedding, I’ve had parties but all reasonably low key (maybe not the wedding but by today’s standards it would be!). All my friends say they always feel so relaxed at my do’s.
I also love other people’s parties

WandaWonder · 28/08/2023 10:36

I would be happy to have a,normal get together in a relaxed 'we are having a baby soon so before it all happens let's have an excuse for a party/bbq/afternoon tea'

But no to presents or baby related games

meditrina · 28/08/2023 10:56

RoseGoldEagle · 27/08/2023 08:24

I used to buy into the ‘they’re tacky and grabby’ eye rolly posts. But really, isn’t it just an excuse to get a few close friends and some family together, to celebrate something exciting? You could specify no presents if you want to be sure not to seem grabby, may not be a bad thing given it’s your second. The only reason I didn’t have one was my own anxiety about my babies arriving safety before celebrating, but if you want one- go for it!

If you specify "no presents" then you are not having a shower, and shouldn't call it that.

A shower is a specific form of party where the while point is to shower the honouree with gifts. Usually to mark transition to married life (bridal shower) or to maternity (baby shower - for first baby, as it's the mother's rite of passage that's being marked).

If you want to have a gathering or party with no gifts, don't call it a shower!

The party attached to the shower can be anything from high tea to rollicking party games, as suits the entertaining style of the honouree's closest friends/family. And of course all those things (including games) are just fine at other parties too.