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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be nervous about wanting a baby shower?

206 replies

Louisefo · 26/08/2023 19:37

Just wondering what people’s views are on baby showers. First time round they were considered very American, but I’m keen to have one this time round. I just feel nervous not everyone will support the idea. What are people’s attitudes on here?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 26/08/2023 22:17

My friend threw me one but it was low key - about 6 friends in a nice pub for lunch, they gave me gifts and we did a few (non-cringe) games like guess the weight. It was nice and I really appreciated it. I’m not really into being the centre of attention but it was lovely to see my friends one last time socially before my life became nappies and feeds!! So maybe there’s a middle ground.

DrJump · 26/08/2023 22:23

Friends organised a baby shower for my third. They brought me a small deep freezer and then filled it with food. Best present ever!

Hotflushesinthesunfun · 26/08/2023 22:32

My sister recently had to go to a bridal shower. They all had to take gifts for the honeymoon. This was as well as the hen parties. Awful.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2023 22:34

@FirstFallopians
The baby shower originated way before any of that, back in the frontier days, when neither American nor British women had any rights at all and millions lived in dire poverty.

The vast, vast majority of American women either have private health insurance or state-provided health care for pregnancy and childbirth. Maternity leave is provided by a huge number of employers and many states mandate maternity leave for state employees including teachers and administrators in public schools, healthcare workers in public hospitals, etc.

For women under a certain income threshold in each state, formula and a host of other foods for babies and families alike are provided under the WIC program. There are also food stamps, which are separate.

Yes, there are many who are stuck with very little (unpaid) leave, but the picture you paint of American families and friends pitching together to help new mothers because they are in a dire situation is wildly inaccurate.

Americans have baby showers because they are fun and because celebrating the imminent transition into motherhood is considered a good thing.

Whitepaleness · 26/08/2023 22:37

Nothing wrong with having afternoon tea with friends celebrating your pregnancy and up coming arrival. You can say no presents if it makes you more comfortable. Not sure why everyone hates them so much tbh

Mainly · 26/08/2023 22:47

I don't like them and find them grabby. However, I did go to one for a very close friend which was just games and a general party feel, no presents given or expected. I think if it's genuinely just a baby shower, and you are making it clear gifts are not to be brought, it's fine.

FirstFallopians · 26/08/2023 22:47

mathanxiety · 26/08/2023 22:34

@FirstFallopians
The baby shower originated way before any of that, back in the frontier days, when neither American nor British women had any rights at all and millions lived in dire poverty.

The vast, vast majority of American women either have private health insurance or state-provided health care for pregnancy and childbirth. Maternity leave is provided by a huge number of employers and many states mandate maternity leave for state employees including teachers and administrators in public schools, healthcare workers in public hospitals, etc.

For women under a certain income threshold in each state, formula and a host of other foods for babies and families alike are provided under the WIC program. There are also food stamps, which are separate.

Yes, there are many who are stuck with very little (unpaid) leave, but the picture you paint of American families and friends pitching together to help new mothers because they are in a dire situation is wildly inaccurate.

Americans have baby showers because they are fun and because celebrating the imminent transition into motherhood is considered a good thing.

I didn’t say all US mothers were on the bones of their arses, just pointing out that as a group they can’t rely on the statutory protections that women here can.

It’s not grabby for them in modern times regardless of the way the tradition originated.

But yeah, rave on.

peanutcrumble · 26/08/2023 22:50

Love them, just done one for my daughter.

Ssme92 · 27/08/2023 00:02

Sparklesocks · 26/08/2023 22:17

My friend threw me one but it was low key - about 6 friends in a nice pub for lunch, they gave me gifts and we did a few (non-cringe) games like guess the weight. It was nice and I really appreciated it. I’m not really into being the centre of attention but it was lovely to see my friends one last time socially before my life became nappies and feeds!! So maybe there’s a middle ground.

Everything you've described is what I expect to happen at a baby shower, except you only had 6 people. Gifts, cringey games, lunch out! 😅 Glad you enjoyed it.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2023 00:37

@FirstFallopians correct, a few American women face hardship because of having a baby, but that's not why American women throw baby showers for their friends and relatives.

KarmaStar · 27/08/2023 00:59

Grabby.greedy.There is a col crisis on.
unless you specifically day no gifts no vouchers,no cash just your company ,then don't do it.very tacky.

KarmaStar · 27/08/2023 00:59

Say not day

loveclipbook · 27/08/2023 01:27

Accountdetailss · 26/08/2023 19:43

I don’t like them and personally feel a baby shouldn’t be celebrated until it has safely entered the world. I didn’t have one for any of my children.

This x 100%.

grass321 · 27/08/2023 08:13

*They are organised by family and friends of the mother to be in her honour, to celebrate the fact that she's going to be a mother and to equip her with what she and the baby will need.

The grabby, self-hosted bit happened in the UK, sorry to inform you.*

'Equipping her with what she and the baby needs' is grabby. I've had two babies and, while the grandparents bought the odd thing, we bought the rest.

I don't expect friends and family, some of which have chosen not to have kids, to fund my baby equipment. Yes, some friends bought an outfit or book after the birth but there was no expectation on our side.

Perhaps I could host a holiday shower where I serve nibbles from the global cuisine aisle at Tesco and ask for contributions to a week in the Maldives.

R4ID · 27/08/2023 08:18

I find them grabby, attention seeking and weird to celebrate a baby that has not arrived safely yet. They are also boring! Most people think the guests are enjoying it but they are not! They are on par with any occasion when you force people together who don’t know each other and have to make small talk which is high level cringe.

RoseGoldEagle · 27/08/2023 08:24

I used to buy into the ‘they’re tacky and grabby’ eye rolly posts. But really, isn’t it just an excuse to get a few close friends and some family together, to celebrate something exciting? You could specify no presents if you want to be sure not to seem grabby, may not be a bad thing given it’s your second. The only reason I didn’t have one was my own anxiety about my babies arriving safety before celebrating, but if you want one- go for it!

User63847439572 · 27/08/2023 08:26

Probably depends on your friend group. If it’s the done thing then someone else will suggest it

Lemonyfuckit · 27/08/2023 09:13

I think they're tacky. No one I actually know has had one. I also think it's normal to give a present once the baby is safely here (I would prefer that, feels slightly like tempting fate) so if you've been to a baby shower and given a gift I wouldn't want to then give another gift after the birth.

PinkPink1 · 27/08/2023 09:33

I have a newborn and I'm a FTM. People just surprised me with baby things randomly throughout my pregnancy and since dd was born (mostly when she was born). I would've felt uncomfortable organising a party or a meal because people would feel obliged to bring gifts and then I'd be sat there opening gifts as though it's my birthday.

I've never attended a baby shower but then again, I have birth to our families' first niece, grandchild and great grandchild. I don't have any friends with children either (I'm in my 20s).

Howdoesitworkagain · 27/08/2023 09:44

They’re awful, I tend to “already have something on that day” if they’re the sort with twee games and baby talk.

A bunch of friends getting together for a relaxed lunch or afternoon tea without having to think about babies or tending to babies and children is a really lovely way to spend an afternoon. The difference being, it’s a chance to spend time with friends before time gets consumed with a newborn. Add in baby shower elements though, and it gives me the ick and is not even that much fun to attend.

Perhaps fortunately I don’t have to do them any more as my circle are well past the baby stage 😂

Ssme92 · 27/08/2023 10:09

I think if you want to have a lunch before the baby comes with some friends, just call it exactly that.... A lunch before the baby comes. I think calling it a baby shower puts the expectation on people to bring presents, even if you specify no gifts.
Lunch before the baby comes: I love! A nice get together with friends. I actually did 2 of these, one with family, one with a group of friends, neither organised by me.
Baby shower: makes me think of awkward games, loud women cackling, panic buying a gift.. Not for me!

NewName122 · 27/08/2023 10:33

Grabby and cheap. Basically asking friends and family for gifts.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 27/08/2023 11:49

mathanxiety · 27/08/2023 00:37

@FirstFallopians correct, a few American women face hardship because of having a baby, but that's not why American women throw baby showers for their friends and relatives.

Yes. It's greed, not need.

LlynTegid · 27/08/2023 11:50

I don't like them, would like them to be consigned to history. We are not the 51st state.

CwmYoy · 27/08/2023 11:53

I dislike them, Greedy and grabby. Never go.