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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/08/2023 09:32

Do not send money. Unfriend him and bar any contact.

NoLongerATeacher · 26/08/2023 09:33

How much did he want? I’m with your DH - do not send anything!

caringcarer · 26/08/2023 09:34

I'd not send money. I'd ignore and defriend. Your DH is looking out for you.

DelurkingLawyer · 26/08/2023 09:34

Your husband is absolutely right. Don’t send any money, block and have nothing more to do with him.

Elizabethwalton · 26/08/2023 09:35

Of course do not send him any money. Block him

readbooksdrinktea · 26/08/2023 09:36

He thinks you're a soft touch. You're husband is completely right on this.

KimberleyClark · 26/08/2023 09:36

Get your DH to message him back saying this is Whatsthescory’s husband, why are you asking my wife for money? Guaranteed you won’t hear from him again.

Berlinlover · 26/08/2023 09:36

Do not send this man money.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:37

He didn't specify an amount he wanted but my husband had a very immediate 'no' reaction, and he is generally very charitable and generous. Gives to charity, sends family money if they need it, etc

OP posts:
EbiRaisukaree · 26/08/2023 09:37

Of course you ignore it, and block him. Imagine how many other people he came into contact with he’s trying this on with. If even a small proportion respond with cash, he’s sitting pretty. It’s a long game but a known scam. I’ve definitely read at least two similar stories on here about holiday drivers doing the same several years later.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:37

KimberleyClark · 26/08/2023 09:36

Get your DH to message him back saying this is Whatsthescory’s husband, why are you asking my wife for money? Guaranteed you won’t hear from him again.

Brilliant!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 09:38

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to not send it. How much did he ask for?

readbooksdrinktea · 26/08/2023 09:38

EbiRaisukaree · 26/08/2023 09:37

Of course you ignore it, and block him. Imagine how many other people he came into contact with he’s trying this on with. If even a small proportion respond with cash, he’s sitting pretty. It’s a long game but a known scam. I’ve definitely read at least two similar stories on here about holiday drivers doing the same several years later.

Yes, I remember other threads about it.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2023 09:40

This is madness. Obviously don't send him money. Donate to charities by all means. This is CF trying it on territory. He was a passing acquaintance and you owe him nothing.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:40

It's a shame. He always seemed so nice and helpful. I've had the odd pang of guilt thinking 'what if I was really desperate and needed help?' I'm actually not a mug (though maybe I seem like it) but want to doubly make sure in my own conscience that I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/08/2023 09:41

Don’t be a bloody idiot! He hardly knows you but he’s turned to you for money? Why? Does he have no friends or family? Your husband is absolutely right, he’s seen you as an easy target.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 26/08/2023 09:41

I probably would have sent a bit of money. Made it clear it’s a one off. Said something like times are harder for me too these days. Life is hard for many people. I am usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and I am willing to run the risk of being scammed if it potentially helps someone in need. So long as I can afford it. I can’t always afford it, but if I can, I probably would send a bit of money.

You aren’t wrong not to though.

BishopBrennansArseHole · 26/08/2023 09:41

I’ve definitely read a very similar post on here before

SpringIntoChaos · 26/08/2023 09:44

Don't be so fucking gullible 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ He's a scammer who has been playing the long game...sending you photos and random messages just to soften you up before going in with the money shot! Remove and block.

BaaCode · 26/08/2023 09:44

I wouldn't send him money and I'm a sucker for a sob story.
Imagine for a moment that, he asks you for say £20 and you send it, but at the same time he's asking ten others for the same and they also send it. Not a bad little earner.
No, ignore and block is my advice.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:45

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 26/08/2023 09:41

I probably would have sent a bit of money. Made it clear it’s a one off. Said something like times are harder for me too these days. Life is hard for many people. I am usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and I am willing to run the risk of being scammed if it potentially helps someone in need. So long as I can afford it. I can’t always afford it, but if I can, I probably would send a bit of money.

You aren’t wrong not to though.

I'm like this too. But when my husband said 'it's interesting he asked the wife and not the husband, isn't it?' I had a sense of being manipulated a bit and didn't like it. I felt a bit less willing to give the benefit of the doubt but still feel guilty.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 26/08/2023 09:52

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:37

He didn't specify an amount he wanted but my husband had a very immediate 'no' reaction, and he is generally very charitable and generous. Gives to charity, sends family money if they need it, etc

The fact that his message was so vague makes it sound very dubious. Just mentioning that he had a business in the original message was to set the scene. Realistically, if Covid had affected his business, it would have already done so at the time of the first message.

caffelattetogo · 26/08/2023 09:52

The economy has collapsed in Nigeria, and many African countries. Most families are living on about £50 a month. If you had a spare tenner I'd send it. It could make a big difference.

Rudolphthefrog · 26/08/2023 09:54

It’s a scam. If you feel bad for not helping someone who might be desperate (though he is almost certainly lying) think of it as not encouraging these kinds of scams, who often prey on vulnerable people and rob them of their life savings eventually. This kind of thing ruins lives. Block him and don’t engage with him again.

Coolblur · 26/08/2023 10:00

My goodness OP, you are being very naive, of course this is a scam. It's good you told your husband before you actually sent money, he has the measure of this sort of thing. He may be generous but he's not daft with money.

The thing I'd be most worried about if I were you was that you nearly fell for such a trick. You are clearly vulnerable to financial scams, and unscrupulous people will spot it a mile off. Please do not ever send money to anyone who asks you for it, family, friend or acquaintance, without running it past someone whose you trust first, like your husband.

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