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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 26/08/2023 11:19

How do you even know it’s actually him asking?

user1492757084 · 26/08/2023 11:20

If it is a hoax just sending a small amount often opens the way for large amounts to be taken from your account.
If you want to give him money do so once and through a reputable chanel.

momonpurpose · 26/08/2023 11:23

Things are very hard in Nigeria. That is NOT your problem to solve OP. Don't send money and block him.

Gothambutnotahamster · 26/08/2023 11:25

TheThingIsYeah · 26/08/2023 10:19

It disturbs me that there's a number of contributors to this thread who would actually send money. And that angers me, as this is why these people scam. They only have to have a 1% success rate and it's a nice little earner because it won't stop with the single demand.

If no one sent money you wouldn't have scammers. If no one gave to beggars you wouldn't have begging, etc. People are so gullible.

Listen to your DH and block.

Absolutely this!

BounceyB · 26/08/2023 11:27

He asked you because he thought you would be a soft touch. Don't do it.

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2023 11:27

Send him some free advice. Set up a JustGiving page and let some other mugs send him some money.

Economy can't be that bad over there. I had a very nice man from Nigeria email me, wanting to give me millions. Just needed to let him know my account details and he would deposit it immediately.

InSpainTheRain · 26/08/2023 11:28

Of course you don't send anything. Block him.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 11:29

BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 11:11

It's difficult, but I would send £50 if you can easily afford it - stress that it's a one off, and let him know he can return it to you if and when things get significantly easier.

Things really are very very hard in Nigeria for many people, and as others have said, a small amount can literally be the difference between a family eating for a month or not. There are no safety nets like there are here.

8 years is a long, long time for a scam! If he was wanting to scam you, you'd have had a reach out within the first six months, when he reckoned the memory of your friendliness was fresh. He has waited until he's had no choice. Sounds to me like the guy has been trying to make a genuine living, and he's right up against it right now... it's a much more direct and effective form of giving than charity.... it's for someone who you know at least to be basically pleasant, and 100% will be received by the person who needs it.

Assuming they are genuine, I think the shame will be very real, born from desperation.

I have connections in that country, and small amounts make a huge difference, and I'm constantly amazed by the generosity of others who are almost as desperate, scraping together an extra £5 to pass to someone else, because they are sick, their business failed, or they have mouths to feed.

Blocking is a very comfortable way to shut out the reality that a ton of people in this world are desperate.

You sound like a lovely person... I think you will be happier if you help.

And this is exactly why these scams are so successful.

Multijoy · 26/08/2023 11:29

What exactly is the scam meant to be? He isn't making up any crazy yarn....he isn't promising any riches, he isn't pretending to be someone he is not....

We know for a fact that he was a low-earning person, and his story is totally plausible. Indeed, we know for a fact that thousands or even millions are genuinely experiencing this kind of hardship. He hasn't asked for anything in eight years, and is asking completely transparently now...

Are we really so desperate to stigmatise foreign people in need that any expression of need must be a scam, even though we know there are millions in need in exactly his situation?

I mean what exactly is our proposed scam? That he is now a rich guy, or part of a criminal gang. Despite us knowing he was honestly working hard at a low wage when we met him..... , that he has waited eight years to make a humble request of someone he used to know? Why would you think a pleasant, helpful man you knew for a full year, would do that?

Criminal networks who reach out to people with tricks are scamming. This man was an honest, working guy who you knew and hasn't asked for anything in eight years.

There MAY be a danger that you will get repeated requests, because the reality is he is living in a different world to you and needs help. That can be a difficult decision to deal with.... But someone needing help isn't the same as a scam....

  • and yes if you desperately needed help, and had the choice to reach out to different people, it's totally natural you'd reach out to the person you think might say yes. He'd know you'd probably discuss it with your husband, but him thinking you might be kinder isn't the same as you being scammed....
Olika · 26/08/2023 11:30

Don't send money.

ungryHippy · 26/08/2023 11:31

YABU for dithering about how to respond and asking if you're unreasonable...surely nobody can be this naive? Obviously it's a scam.

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2023 11:32

And this is exactly why these scams are so successful.

Yep. One born every minute.

Oliotya · 26/08/2023 11:33

Why are people saying it's a scam? He was a genuine acquaintance, so unless you've reason to think it's not really him, he's a CF if anything, but not a scammer.
How much is he asking for? Lots of Africa has really struggled through covid, and there is generally no safety net beyond ones own social circle. He might genuinely be struggling. Only you can be the judge of that.
Personally, depending on the amount, I'd send the money. But I am a soft touch, but I don't let people take the piss.

Olika · 26/08/2023 11:34

Sorry, also wanted to add that a Nigerian man shouldn't/wouldn't ask money from a woman. It's a red flag to me that he didn't contact your DH instead. I am saying this as my DH is Nigerian.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 11:36

I mean what exactly is our proposed scam? That he is now a rich guy, or part of a criminal gang. Despite us knowing he was honestly working hard at a low wage when we met him..... , that he has waited eight years to make a humble request of someone he used to know? Why would you think a pleasant, helpful man you knew for a full year, would do that?

But she doesn't know him, does she? He was just a man who worked in her building where he was paid to be pleasant and helpful to the people who lived there. His pleasant demeanour was part of his job - she has no idea whether he's like that outside of work.

The scam is that he's relying on rich westerners to be a soft touch and send him money. OP knows what he looks like (so it's not like donating to a faceless charity) and thinks he's a lovely, pleasant person. He also has a picture of her son to tug at the heartstrings.

But in reality she knows nothing about him. She hasn't seen his house or met his family. She doesn't know where he lives or what business he runs. She knows nothing about his finances, his income, how many children he has or whether he's actually struggling for money.

If I was on the bones of my arse, the last thing to enter my head would be to contact someone I knew from eight years ago to ask them for money Hmm

Dogsitterwoes · 26/08/2023 11:38

No.
One of my ex's was Nigerian and about once a year he'd get an effusive call from the security guard who'd worked on the gate of the compound there he'd lived in years ago. Call would always end with begging for money. He never sent any. It's a thing some gatemen do.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2023 11:38

I guess I always assumed that these scammers tend to be the unsolicited Nigerian Prince style con artists

He could easily be doing that too, only because you vaguely knew him you got a slightly more credible version

In any case you'll be one of many and your husband was right; obviously don't send anything at all and block all contact instantly

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 11:39

Oliotya · 26/08/2023 11:33

Why are people saying it's a scam? He was a genuine acquaintance, so unless you've reason to think it's not really him, he's a CF if anything, but not a scammer.
How much is he asking for? Lots of Africa has really struggled through covid, and there is generally no safety net beyond ones own social circle. He might genuinely be struggling. Only you can be the judge of that.
Personally, depending on the amount, I'd send the money. But I am a soft touch, but I don't let people take the piss.

The scam is that he'll be sending the exact same message to everyone else he was nice and pleasant to while doing his job.

OP knows what he looks like and exchanged pleasantries with him - he's not even an acquaintance, just a bloke who worked in the building where she lived nearly a decade ago and who hasn't bothered to get in touch until he needed to ask for money Hmm

The message a year ago with the photo of her child is all part of the scam. It's designed to tug on the heartstrings and make you think he's a lovely, genuine person who remembers your son after all these years.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 26/08/2023 11:39

Ive read a really similar post a year or so ago from a different country. It must be something some people do when working with westerners.

As scams go it's harmless and although he might be shameless I would guess he is desperate. If I liked him and had money I would send a small sum.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 11:39

Multijoy · 26/08/2023 11:29

What exactly is the scam meant to be? He isn't making up any crazy yarn....he isn't promising any riches, he isn't pretending to be someone he is not....

We know for a fact that he was a low-earning person, and his story is totally plausible. Indeed, we know for a fact that thousands or even millions are genuinely experiencing this kind of hardship. He hasn't asked for anything in eight years, and is asking completely transparently now...

Are we really so desperate to stigmatise foreign people in need that any expression of need must be a scam, even though we know there are millions in need in exactly his situation?

I mean what exactly is our proposed scam? That he is now a rich guy, or part of a criminal gang. Despite us knowing he was honestly working hard at a low wage when we met him..... , that he has waited eight years to make a humble request of someone he used to know? Why would you think a pleasant, helpful man you knew for a full year, would do that?

Criminal networks who reach out to people with tricks are scamming. This man was an honest, working guy who you knew and hasn't asked for anything in eight years.

There MAY be a danger that you will get repeated requests, because the reality is he is living in a different world to you and needs help. That can be a difficult decision to deal with.... But someone needing help isn't the same as a scam....

  • and yes if you desperately needed help, and had the choice to reach out to different people, it's totally natural you'd reach out to the person you think might say yes. He'd know you'd probably discuss it with your husband, but him thinking you might be kinder isn't the same as you being scammed....

I do feel this, actually.

This is partner his message:

Truth is its uncomfortable to ask for help but the situation calls for financial help.Iam looking to raise some money for 4months rent(Janaury to April),business permit,fire license certificate,branding license.

obviously* *it could all be lies, and I would only have been sending a little money (£50 max that I can afford). I normally feel like I've good judgement about these things and certainly don't have a record or a past of people exploiting me or taking advantage of me. I read lots of AIBUs where people tolerate the intolerable or put up with things I wouldn't put up with. I'm not a walkover. I have had people being CFs in the past, like everyone, and I can easily laugh it off and move on, but I don't feel like I can easily laugh and say 'what is he like! Cheeky or what!' in this situation.

I'm thinking about him and hoping he is OK. I would rather think I'm being scammed than not respond to someone who actually is in need and just chancing his arm. On a human level I want to be sure.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 26/08/2023 11:41

I remember you fondly OP and need money immediately. Please send asap

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 11:41

Olika · 26/08/2023 11:34

Sorry, also wanted to add that a Nigerian man shouldn't/wouldn't ask money from a woman. It's a red flag to me that he didn't contact your DH instead. I am saying this as my DH is Nigerian.

OK this is useful, thanks. Did you tell your DH about this post? I'd be interested in his perspective? Maybe if he knows an official organisation that I could support instead.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 11:42

I'm thinking about him and hoping he is OK. I would rather think I'm being scammed than not respond to someone who actually is in need and just chancing his arm.

I'm really sorry OP, but you're being a complete mug.This is exactly what he wants to happen.

isthismylifenow · 26/08/2023 11:42

BishopBrennansArseHole · 26/08/2023 09:41

I’ve definitely read a very similar post on here before

This is exactly what I came to reply.

Almost identical.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 26/08/2023 11:43

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:37

He didn't specify an amount he wanted but my husband had a very immediate 'no' reaction, and he is generally very charitable and generous. Gives to charity, sends family money if they need it, etc

erm no, you dont know this man! He just wants your money

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