To not send this man money

[Whatsthescory]

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

He can afford a phone, can afford somewhere to charge this phone, and afford internet to message you, so he can't be struggling that much if thats what he's prioritising spending his money on, can he?

I'd be more concerned why he still had a photo of your son as a baby 6 years after you left the country you met him in tbh, and after moving back to nigeria himself, especially when he was an acquiantance at most. Seems an odd thing to keep, doesn't it? Smells fishy it was taken and kept with the intention to contact you with down the line as part of a long con to get money out of you, and who knows how many others he's pulled the same trick with?

Are you even sure hes actually moved back to nigeria? For all you know he's still in the same country and same job where you met him, spinning sob stories and scamming money out of a bunch of former residents.

Olika · Today 11:34
Sorry, also wanted to add that a Nigerian man shouldn't/wouldn't ask money from a woman. It's a red flag to me that he didn't contact your DH instead. I am saying this as my DH is Nigerian.

Sorry, this is absolute nonsense. It may have been the case in times gone by, but the bad economic situation means it happens ALL THE TIME, at least to women who are considered to be significantly economically superior. You don’t even have to have a source of income, a husband that is considered well-to-do will attract requests.

Can't believe anyone would send the money.
It's a scam. He'll be messaging all kinds of people he once knew via facebook or whatever begging for money. You just need a few mugs to fork out and he's got himself a nice little income.

This happened to me once. I had been in contact with a woman to buy her allotment. All legit but the sale fell through because of regulations, and we didn't have any contact for several years. Out of the blue she added me on Facebook and asked me for money. Turned out her account had been hacked and all the people she had been in contact with received scam messages. So you might not be communicating with your acquaintance.

On a human level I want to be sure

That's understandable but sadly not possible, especially when you've not heard a thing from him in so long

Just block him and forget about it OP; there are countless needy people in the world, and while many of us do what we can charity-wise we can't help every last person with a sob story
Alternatively you could send the £50, wait for the inevitable repeated requests to roll in and then reflect that it's just cost you £50 to learn a hard lesson

It's not a scam, it's just a different attitude.

We (a church) helped a man access a training course, through an organised scheme, which led to him having our contact information. We had updates about how he was doing, he was sharing his money and accommodation with someone else so they could both access the training.

It led to occasional requests for more funding for some years afterward. His wife had a miscarriage, or other family emergency. There seemed to be more openness to sharing and to asking than us usual here. Whatever you had you shared if you possibly could. When you didn't have enough you asked anyone you could think of for help.

Yep. Wasn't it a taxi driver or something last time?

I'm a Christian and he seemed to be too, so this is rankling me even more.

As you knew him, he’s waited 8 years to allegedly ‘scam’ you, life in Nigeria is incredibly difficult and you’re comfortably off, I would see no harm in sending £50 as a one off. It’s not your life savings.

Things are hard in Nigeria. He might be desperate but it's not your problem. Send him £50 - £100 if you want to ease your conscience, then block him immediately after. I have family in Nigeria that I don't keep in touch with because the conversation always gets to "send me money". Your husband is right, they always come back. It is never enough.
That said, I wonder if everyone is shouting scam because he is Nigerian. He is not promising anything in return, OP is in control of how much she sends to him, he has not given OP a specific amount and he doesn't seem to be pressuring the OP.

Having seen the exact wording of the message, i wouldn't send money and would block him. Asking for an indeterminate large amount is very different than asking for help with an immediate need.

This thread is a prime example of why these scams are so bloody successful.

Identical thread about a year ago by a woman who had been befriended by a taxi driver in Morocco I think, who contacted her on FB and spun a similar tale. She would not even consider that he had probably messaged thousands of people who he had driven for, sold his FB login to a randomer, been hacked by scammers, or was just perhaps a bit of a chancer.

As I recall, she did send him money, egged on by the gullible "Oh you are doing such a good thing hun, i'd rather risk being ripped off than think about poor photogenic kiddies starving".

Don't encourage the scammers to scam. If you feel a strong link to the country where you used to live, it's easy to transfer money online to a REPUTABLE charity.

I'd be more concerned why he still had a photo of your son as a baby 6 years after you left the country you met him in tbh, and after moving back to nigeria himself, especially when he was an acquiantance at most.

I don't have children, but I really agree with this. It would have freaked me out a bit.

Here you go:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4538252-to-send-money-to-a-moroccan-taxi-driver?page=1

He did say he was asking others to help contribute too. I wouldn't have given him all of it!

Asking for an indeterminate large amount is very different than asking for help with an immediate need

It is, yes, the the point in being vague is that it enables folk to see what the target's good for the first time, so that they can phrase the following requests more effectively

In my husband's country (Eastern European one) it is common to ask friends for money, borrow it, lend it, pay it back ages after, I was quite astonished when I first came across it, but people have a more communal attitude, they also offer a lot as well, so you could stay with them for ages, they would care for your kids on weekends without asking for money, it's just a different way and can seem brazen if you are not used to being asked for things.

That's not really what's going on here, just musing on how cultures differ about asking for things.

I agree it's less cut and dry, but, still no.
If you want to "hide" behind your husband and say he won't allow it, do it, whatever makes it easier, you didn't ask to be put in this awkward situation.

That message he sent is screaming red flag. Very similar to the scam emails you regularly see.

I'm amazed at the posters who are saying send money, maybe you should give them their details and they can send it if they are convinced its legit.

"The scam is that he'll be sending the exact same message to everyone else he was nice and pleasant to while doing his job."

That's not a scam. When you are helping your child raise money for some random cause, or you are trying to get word out about your new business, you also send requests to a large range of people- you are not pretending to be best buddies with them.... the success rate of those who respond is low... so success relies on multiple approaches. Of course he has written to a number of people who are 'thin hopes'. If he genuinely needs help, and he's reached that point of begging, that is exactly what someone would need to do. That's not a scam.... he is being transparent in his request for money!

Yes, I thought of that, too.

To those saying "It's not a scam" - how do you know it's not? The overwhelming evidence (including phrasing that we've seen before) points to it definitely being a scam.

The harm is that if people keep falling for these scams, they'll continue and genuinely vulnerable people end up being taken advantage of.

How would you feel if an elderly relative was scammed out of all their money because they fell for something like this?

It's not automatically a scam though. In lots of african cultures, it's usual to rely on "social insurance" when you fall on hard times. It can be normal to ask for help from acquaintances, with the expectation that they can do the same.

I don't think it's necessarily a scam, unless there's deceit involved. To me, it just sounds like begging. Whether you want to give him money or not is your choice. I personally wouldn't.