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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
tofutti · 30/08/2023 19:53

Smilencuddlesthenstab · 30/08/2023 19:49

Yet you reported me for racism when I quoted factual statistics

Show quote history

Your post was deleted because it was racist.

tofutti · 30/08/2023 19:56

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 18:01

It was hilarious alright - but not for the reasons you think.

Show quote history

I think it rankles because you know it’s true.

Oliotya · 30/08/2023 20:33

BoogieWonderlandfibbed · 30/08/2023 18:46

If it was genuine he would have contacted OP and DH equally but he hasn’t been in touch with DP at all. I wonder why not? He had a photo of him with his boy - a logical starting pot for a conversation. Why OP and not him?

It's 2023. Men are allowed to speak to women. Jesus

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 20:47

I had a relative who worked in Africa..not Nigeria. When he returned got letters appealing for money for relatives to have medical treatment etc. He generously donated. He knew the people and believed them. Soon it got out of hand as the requests grew and grew and became more demanding. He was an elderly man at this stage and he got upset he couldn't help. These were real people he knew for years and their kids but they did not know how to stop asking. This was preinternet. No scam as such but total manipulation playing on his kindness.
No money must change hands here...no way!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 21:19

tofutti · 30/08/2023 19:56

I think it rankles because you know it’s true.

Show quote history

Nah, it’s just a pile of old shite 🙂

tofutti · 30/08/2023 21:20

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 21:19

Nah, it’s just a pile of old shite 🙂

Show quote history

You just need a good sense of humour Wink

BoogieWonderlandfibbed · 30/08/2023 21:49

@Oliotya huh? Of course they are. He had more of a connection with the DH though- and the photo was of DH and the son. that might suggest the DH as the starting point which makes me wonder why it was OP. And why both weren’t asked.

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2023 09:49

tofutti · 30/08/2023 11:18

A masterful summary 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think I’d respect people more if they were just honest and said they don’t think OP should send money to a black man.

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That’s a really offensive comment. There has been no such thing said here, and not even an undertone about skin colour, so why on earth have you jumped to that ? You’ve chased people throughout this thread for perceived racism when it’s no such thing. The country has a high incidence of scamming, a fact which has even been backed up by people from that same country, and it’s that which is informing the advice, not skin colour.

PuzzledObserver · 31/08/2023 10:05

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 20:47

I had a relative who worked in Africa..not Nigeria. When he returned got letters appealing for money for relatives to have medical treatment etc. He generously donated. He knew the people and believed them. Soon it got out of hand as the requests grew and grew and became more demanding. He was an elderly man at this stage and he got upset he couldn't help. These were real people he knew for years and their kids but they did not know how to stop asking. This was preinternet. No scam as such but total manipulation playing on his kindness.
No money must change hands here...no way!

That’s really sad.

I don’t know whether it’s a different cultural expectation….. some people with knowledge/experience of living in various African countries have said it is normal to approach family and friends, because there is no social support system. Or maybe an assumption that all westerners are wealthy so it’s OK to ask them.

Having said that, we have all seen the posts about friends/relatives in the UK constantly asking to borrow money, clearly with no intention of paying it back - and the OP is usually advised to turn off the tap and stop giving.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 31/08/2023 15:05

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2023 09:49

That’s a really offensive comment. There has been no such thing said here, and not even an undertone about skin colour, so why on earth have you jumped to that ? You’ve chased people throughout this thread for perceived racism when it’s no such thing. The country has a high incidence of scamming, a fact which has even been backed up by people from that same country, and it’s that which is informing the advice, not skin colour.

Show quote history

and not even an undertone about skin colour, so why on earth have you jumped to that ?

Erm, maybe because Nigerians are Black people from Africa, who are categorised and described as such due to the melanin levels in their skin, which is reflected in their skin tones?

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2023 21:22

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 31/08/2023 15:05

and not even an undertone about skin colour, so why on earth have you jumped to that ?

Erm, maybe because Nigerians are Black people from Africa, who are categorised and described as such due to the melanin levels in their skin, which is reflected in their skin tones?

Show quote history

No need to patronise is there ? Still doesn’t alter the fact that skin colour has never been mentioned and hadn’t been a factor until this poster brought it up. It’s about the high scamming rate coming out of the country itself. No one has suggested that everyone from there is a scammer, just that it makes sense to be cautious given the location. No everything is racist no matter how much you want it to be the case.

Densol57 · 01/09/2023 22:28

Can the two most recent posters - financial and tofutti please post screen grabs confirming they have now sent friend in Nigeria the money he needs ?

Diclofenac · 01/09/2023 22:43

Densol57 · 01/09/2023 22:28

Can the two most recent posters - financial and tofutti please post screen grabs confirming they have now sent friend in Nigeria the money he needs ?

😂

Nanaof1 · 02/09/2023 04:55

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:40

It's a shame. He always seemed so nice and helpful. I've had the odd pang of guilt thinking 'what if I was really desperate and needed help?' I'm actually not a mug (though maybe I seem like it) but want to doubly make sure in my own conscience that I did the right thing.

I would also not send money. Too many ways for it to become difficult. Could he use the way you send him money to empty your accts? I am too leery of people these days.

I think the PP are correct in advising you to remove and block contact.

Dontwakeme · 02/09/2023 08:04

My viewpoint of money generally is that it is not “mine”, it’s gods and I’m just a stewardship of it, easy come easy go. Not wasteful or extravagant at all and careful however is someone needs something ( and who are we to judge if they do) then if can then give it. So what you give him £50,£100 the worth of a few takeaways to us here but to him in another country would be much more. Once you give it don’t even think on it again, you passed it onto the next person to have stewardship over- you’ve no responsibility to continue this and fair to say once is all you are going to do ( if you feel comfortable).

TheThingIsYeah · 14/09/2023 15:06

@Whatsthescory

Hi OP, what did you decide upon in the end?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2023 20:52

TheThingIsYeah · 14/09/2023 15:06

@Whatsthescory

Hi OP, what did you decide upon in the end?

I was wondering this

@Whatsthescory what did you do

tofutti · 14/09/2023 22:09

Dontwakeme · 02/09/2023 08:04

My viewpoint of money generally is that it is not “mine”, it’s gods and I’m just a stewardship of it, easy come easy go. Not wasteful or extravagant at all and careful however is someone needs something ( and who are we to judge if they do) then if can then give it. So what you give him £50,£100 the worth of a few takeaways to us here but to him in another country would be much more. Once you give it don’t even think on it again, you passed it onto the next person to have stewardship over- you’ve no responsibility to continue this and fair to say once is all you are going to do ( if you feel comfortable).

I love this attitude 💕

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 15/09/2023 03:32

Hi everyone.
Gosh since that message, a lot has happened. We were travelling, the kids went back to school, I had loads of expenses so didn't have much money anyway and then we all got co----vid!

So I haven't had a chance to sit down and talk to my husband about it without a small child interrupting us. So I'm still mulling it over. Thank you for the reminder!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthescory · 15/09/2023 03:33

Covid

OP posts:
AlrightThen · 15/09/2023 10:00

My former friend sent 600 quid abroad to his friends.

It sparks a grieve like emotion in me.

category12 · 15/09/2023 10:05

Whatsthescory · 15/09/2023 03:32

Hi everyone.
Gosh since that message, a lot has happened. We were travelling, the kids went back to school, I had loads of expenses so didn't have much money anyway and then we all got co----vid!

So I haven't had a chance to sit down and talk to my husband about it without a small child interrupting us. So I'm still mulling it over. Thank you for the reminder!

Christ, I hope he wasn't too desperate for it. 🙄

MsRosley · 15/09/2023 15:06

Densol57 · 01/09/2023 22:28

Can the two most recent posters - financial and tofutti please post screen grabs confirming they have now sent friend in Nigeria the money he needs ?

I think you mean Saint Tofutti. I'm sure she must be canonised by now.

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