Page 17 | To not send this man money

Whatsthescory · 2023-08-26T08:28:15+00:00

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country. A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently. A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet. My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from. On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say. Aibu to not send money to him?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 15:18

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 09:01

Wow- the knots we will twist ourselves in to avoid giving someone who needs some money, some money! So far the reasons have included:

He doesn't really need money
He needs more money than you will give
Money won't solve his problems
Money might be spent on food, not on a fire license
He is targeting you for money
He isn't targeting you (ie he will have asked other people too- shock horror)
He isn't him
He is him, but he has turned into a nasty man
He was always a nasty man- just paid to seem nice

10. He should ask his similarly struggling Nigerian friends and family instead of someone who could afford to help 11. This is the road to your financial ruin (even though there are perfectly safe ways to transfer money) 12. (My favourite)... even if he IS a genuinely vulnerable person, then responding to a request that looks like it could be a scam, makes it harder for genuinely vulnerable people to get the help they need.

Oh come on - those of us advising caution are hardly “twisting ourselves into knots” by outlining the potential pitfalls of this scenario to someone who has actively asked for advice. If OP wants to ignore every single comment here and go with her original instinct, she is more than entitled to do so. Given that she’s still asking for further input after her own husband said he thought it was a scam, I’m guessing she’s not someone who is easily unduly influenced.

The majority view is not always right.

And as the OP is on an internet forum rather than being tried by jury, she is 100% free to ignore it. But you can’t criticise people for giving that view when people’s views were precisely what the OP requested.

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 16:16

Sorry, I have said nothing whatsoever about the OP being coerced or it being wrong for people to give their opinions??? No idea why you are defending against that .

I'm critiquing the reasons people have given.... many of which I find ridiculous. And taken in aggregate are often contradictory, suggesting that nothing this man could have done would have been acceptable to the collective Mumsnet wisdom.

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 16:23

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 14:37

My gut feeling is that it’s the same person and not someone pretending to be him trying to scam the op - in that case how would a scammer get hold of a picture of op’s child when they were a baby and send it to op.

However, I do feel that this guy is obviously being extremely manipulative and pretending to be friendly so that he can get the money! As I’ve said time and time again, he hasn’t given a damn about the op in years, now all of a sudden pops up out of nowhere! Op said herself that they didn’t know him as a friend and only really had the “hello” and “goodbye” conversations. Of op was to send him money, he would probably be laughing at her nativity and would just disappear off the face of the earth for a few years or keep coming back asking for more money.

Why do you believe someone shouldn't receive help if they haven't made significant effort to be your friend or they don't care deeply about you?

Charity is giving to someone because they need it, not because the receivers care about the giver.

And no, I'm not suggesting you or anyone else should give lots of money. If you don't have money to spare then of course you should not. That IS a good reason not to give. But the OP specified from the beginning that she was comfortably able to give money.

The fact that he isn't a friend and hasn't made much effort is not, in my opinion, a good reason not to give. When you give to charity, you don't demand the receivers love you back?? You give because they are suffering and they need help.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:26

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 16:16

Sorry, I have said nothing whatsoever about the OP being coerced or it being wrong for people to give their opinions??? No idea why you are defending against that .

I'm critiquing the reasons people have given.... many of which I find ridiculous. And taken in aggregate are often contradictory, suggesting that nothing this man could have done would have been acceptable to the collective Mumsnet wisdom.

And a lot of the ‘reasons’ you are ‘critiquing’, you have actually twisted. Also these reasons you are ‘critiquing’ are perfectly valid reasons so if you find them ‘ridiculous’, then like I said, either scroll on or ‘donate’ your own money to the guy!

”Nothing this man could have done would have been acceptable” - okay what I see NOT being acceptable is completely disappearing out of someone’s life for years and not giving a damn about them to get in touch every now and again and then expect them to give him ‘help’ in terms of money when he feels it convenient to get in touch! As I said in an earlier post, if he had stayed in touch with the op over the years and never asked for a penny in all that time then the huge majority of posters would most likely advise the op to send the money!

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:28

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 16:23

Why do you believe someone shouldn't receive help if they haven't made significant effort to be your friend or they don't care deeply about you?

Charity is giving to someone because they need it, not because the receivers care about the giver.

And no, I'm not suggesting you or anyone else should give lots of money. If you don't have money to spare then of course you should not. That IS a good reason not to give. But the OP specified from the beginning that she was comfortably able to give money.

The fact that he isn't a friend and hasn't made much effort is not, in my opinion, a good reason not to give. When you give to charity, you don't demand the receivers love you back?? You give because they are suffering and they need help.

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Oh ffs 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So you’re telling me if someone who popped up into my life again after not giving a shit about me for 8 years I should give them money then? I don’t think so 🤣

I find all the things the op has stated, along with other poster’s concerns VERY VALID reasons not to give!

Keeper11 · 30/08/2023 16:38

Exactly the same thing happened to me with a guide we had used in Ethiopia. This chap had my email address. He too kept in touch very occasionally with a newsy email, but finally sent one asking for money. I felt sorry, but I had to refuse. I suspect this is a regular try on when less advantaged people think you have plenty of money.

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:42

CaveMum · 30/08/2023 14:07

The poster was not calling you a troll, they were referring to the tale of an American businessman who was allegedly conned into buying London Bridge thinking that he was buying Tower Bridge. The story has since been proved false in that the businessman DID buy London Bridge, but was fully aware of what he was purchasing.

How London Bridge Ended Up In Arizona | HISTORY

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Interesting, thanks!

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:47

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:28

Oh ffs 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So you’re telling me if someone who popped up into my life again after not giving a shit about me for 8 years I should give them money then? I don’t think so 🤣

I find all the things the op has stated, along with other poster’s concerns VERY VALID reasons not to give!

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I think you've said 'he doesn't give a shit about me' about 10 times now.

Unfortunately when you're desperate, you don't have the luxury of only asking for help from those you've exchanged pleasantries with for 8 years.

It's not like OP was in touch with him either. Weird that you think this man only deserves help if he has been obsequiously asking after OP for 8 years.

I send money every year to people who don't even call me to thank for the last lot of money received. I don't expect it, I'd prefer they concentrate on their lives and their children's. Their lives are precarious, they often don't have the headspace for the niceties.

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:48

financialcareerstuff · 30/08/2023 13:57

Ok new reasons now to add to the list:

You should not give money to someone in need unless they care passionately about you as a person and have tried to be active friends with you for eight years.
You shouldn't give money to some who HAS tried to be friendly during those eight years, because they are trying to soften you up and manipulate you.
You shouldn't give money to someone who might be someone else, even though a very quick conversation could confirm who they are
You shouldn't give money to someone who has asked you because they thought you might say yes.

This made me lol. Love it financial

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:49

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:47

I think you've said 'he doesn't give a shit about me' about 10 times now.

Unfortunately when you're desperate, you don't have the luxury of only asking for help from those you've exchanged pleasantries with for 8 years.

It's not like OP was in touch with him either. Weird that you think this man only deserves help if he has been obsequiously asking after OP for 8 years.

I send money every year to people who don't even call me to thank for the last lot of money received. I don't expect it, I'd prefer they concentrate on their lives and their children's. Their lives are precarious, they often don't have the headspace for the niceties.

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yes I have said it 10 times because some poster keeps replying and twisting stuff i and others have said!

And the op is not the one asking him for money! So yes while it is a 2 way street in terms of contact and while op may also not have given a shit about him or bothered with him during that 8 years, she is not the one popping up in his inbox after all that time asking him for money!! I

I don’t give a monkeys what you do! If you’re so bothered, like I said on here to the other poster, give your own money to the guy then!

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:50

@littlebopeepp234

okay what I see NOT being acceptable is completely disappearing out of someone’s life for years and not giving a damn about them

er, it was OP who left the country. So she disappeared out of his life. Technically.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:52

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:50

@littlebopeepp234

okay what I see NOT being acceptable is completely disappearing out of someone’s life for years and not giving a damn about them

er, it was OP who left the country. So she disappeared out of his life. Technically.

What a silly comment! So that means she should send him money because she disappeared out of his life? Oh how bad of the op to do such a thing! People disappear out of other people’s lives all the time, it’s life. This guy had the option to keep in touch, he didn’t! Until he wanted money of course

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:54

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:49

yes I have said it 10 times because some poster keeps replying and twisting stuff i and others have said!

And the op is not the one asking him for money! So yes while it is a 2 way street in terms of contact and while op may also not have given a shit about him or bothered with him during that 8 years, she is not the one popping up in his inbox after all that time asking him for money!! I

I don’t give a monkeys what you do! If you’re so bothered, like I said on here to the other poster, give your own money to the guy then!

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Because she doesn't need help. She is well off in a developed country. He isn't. He is poor and needs help.

I don't know this man, OP does. She has to make her own decision, just like I decide who I give to amongst the people I know.

You seem very aggressive. I've just described some people I help who have precarious lives and your response is 'I don't give a monkeys what you do'.

You are brimming with the milk of human kindness, little.

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:58

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 16:52

What a silly comment! So that means she should send him money because she disappeared out of his life? Oh how bad of the op to do such a thing! People disappear out of other people’s lives all the time, it’s life. This guy had the option to keep in touch, he didn’t! Until he wanted money of course

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This is like pigeon chess

So it's bad when this man doesn't stay in touch but OP not staying in touch is fine.

You are the one making emotive statements like disappearing.

Nowhere have I said OP should send him money, in fact I've said she shouldn't feel obliged to help.

I think you need to examine why you are so vociferous that OP not help.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:01

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:54

Because she doesn't need help. She is well off in a developed country. He isn't. He is poor and needs help.

I don't know this man, OP does. She has to make her own decision, just like I decide who I give to amongst the people I know.

You seem very aggressive. I've just described some people I help who have precarious lives and your response is 'I don't give a monkeys what you do'.

You are brimming with the milk of human kindness, little.

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Well op came on here asking for advice and she got it! The huge majority have advised not to send the money!

Saying I don’t give a monkeys what you do isn’t being aggressive, if you want to help people then you do you! I don’t really care as it’s not you who is posting on here asking for advice, But it’s a bit silly to try to diss good advice that other posters have given based on the fact that YOU are happy to send random strangers money, some of these posters have real life experience or work in an area where they deal with people who get ripped off and scammed every day!

You can say the same about all these strangers on the internet who manipulate older women into sending them money. Some are scammers, some are real people who need money, but it’s their intentions and manipulation that sets them aside from someone who is in need! Im
sure that guard came across many other people whilst living there. He probably asked many more of those people he’s met over the years for money too.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:07

tofutti · 30/08/2023 16:58

This is like pigeon chess

So it's bad when this man doesn't stay in touch but OP not staying in touch is fine.

You are the one making emotive statements like disappearing.

Nowhere have I said OP should send him money, in fact I've said she shouldn't feel obliged to help.

I think you need to examine why you are so vociferous that OP not help.

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Well having being the victim of a man I was married to who’s family financially abused me and played the ‘im poor card, please can you send me some money’ while pretending to be nice to my face and then slagging me off behind my back. And the reason his family didn’t have any money is because they didn’t want to work and hadn’t done so for years, they just relied on handouts from other people so I would say I have examined very well where I get my “vociferous” that op should not help from! It took me a long time to realise what they were doing as they were living in another country so I could not see for myself until I physically went over there! The guy in question is behaving way too similar to my own experiences and seems manipulative!

tofutti · 30/08/2023 17:12

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:01

Well op came on here asking for advice and she got it! The huge majority have advised not to send the money!

Saying I don’t give a monkeys what you do isn’t being aggressive, if you want to help people then you do you! I don’t really care as it’s not you who is posting on here asking for advice, But it’s a bit silly to try to diss good advice that other posters have given based on the fact that YOU are happy to send random strangers money, some of these posters have real life experience or work in an area where they deal with people who get ripped off and scammed every day!

You can say the same about all these strangers on the internet who manipulate older women into sending them money. Some are scammers, some are real people who need money, but it’s their intentions and manipulation that sets them aside from someone who is in need! Im
sure that guard came across many other people whilst living there. He probably asked many more of those people he’s met over the years for money too.

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And despite all that 'advice', it sounds to me that OP has veered towards deciding to help him as a one-off. And I suspect that's because she knows no one else here knows him, only she does and only she can decide.

I haven't dissed the people advising not to send money. Everyone is entitled to their view. I've called out and reported obviously racist comments like 'as soon as you said Nigerian I thought no'. Some people have used racist tropes like all Nigerians are scammers to push OP into not helping. THAT is what I object to.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:20

tofutti · 30/08/2023 17:12

And despite all that 'advice', it sounds to me that OP has veered towards deciding to help him as a one-off. And I suspect that's because she knows no one else here knows him, only she does and only she can decide.

I haven't dissed the people advising not to send money. Everyone is entitled to their view. I've called out and reported obviously racist comments like 'as soon as you said Nigerian I thought no'. Some people have used racist tropes like all Nigerians are scammers to push OP into not helping. THAT is what I object to.

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Maybe not but the other poster that I was originally responding to before you replied on one of my posts to them specifically said they were “critiquing” other poster’s reasons for advising not to send the money - I mean why? A lot of them are extremely valid reasons! I don’t understand the need for the ‘critique’!!!

tofutti · 30/08/2023 17:22

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:20

Maybe not but the other poster that I was originally responding to before you replied on one of my posts to them specifically said they were “critiquing” other poster’s reasons for advising not to send the money - I mean why? A lot of them are extremely valid reasons! I don’t understand the need for the ‘critique’!!!

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Do you mean financial? I thought her summary was hilariously on point.

I imagine 'critique' was tongue in cheek.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 17:24

tofutti · 30/08/2023 17:22

Do you mean financial? I thought her summary was hilariously on point.

I imagine 'critique' was tongue in cheek.

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I didn’t feel it was on point at all, just coming on here to try and invalidate what other posters had advised - some of which was good advice!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 18:01

tofutti · 30/08/2023 17:22

Do you mean financial? I thought her summary was hilariously on point.

I imagine 'critique' was tongue in cheek.

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It was hilarious alright - but not for the reasons you think.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/08/2023 18:15

I'm critiquing the reasons people have given.... many of which I find ridiculous. And taken in aggregate are often contradictory, suggesting that nothing this man could have done would have been acceptable to the collective Mumsnet wisdom.

I think it’s you that’s being ridiculous . Collective Mumsnet wisdom? When did anyone, at any point, suggest there needed to be some kind of unanimous consensus? Of course two or more people can think something is a bad idea, but for different reasons!

BoogieWonderlandfibbed · 30/08/2023 18:46

If it was genuine he would have contacted OP and DH equally but he hasn’t been in touch with DP at all. I wonder why not? He had a photo of him with his boy - a logical starting pot for a conversation. Why OP and not him?

Festivemoose · 30/08/2023 19:03

I had a very similar message from my friends wife. Her account had been hacked and messages were sent to people on her friends list.

Smilencuddlesthenstab · 30/08/2023 19:49

tofutti · 30/08/2023 11:27

What a cowardly post, if you want to call me a troll, just say it, I’d have more respect for honesty.

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Yet you reported me for racism when I quoted factual statistics