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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 26/08/2023 10:50

Its a well known scam and its why he had a photo of your child, who he had only just met and does not have a relationship with.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/08/2023 10:51

Aw OP, how nice of you to even consider it. But I definitely wouldn't.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2023 10:52

TheThingIsYeah · 26/08/2023 10:19

It disturbs me that there's a number of contributors to this thread who would actually send money. And that angers me, as this is why these people scam. They only have to have a 1% success rate and it's a nice little earner because it won't stop with the single demand.

If no one sent money you wouldn't have scammers. If no one gave to beggars you wouldn't have begging, etc. People are so gullible.

Listen to your DH and block.

THIS. I've seen so many of these stories and they're all SCAMS.

Ladyj84 · 26/08/2023 10:52

First of all I personally wouldn't go against my husband if he says no then no it is especially with valid reasons. Second why not ask your hubby for money but no he picked the soft one. Block and unfriend

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 10:52

Oh OP, don't be daft.

This is a well-known scam. Ignore him and block his number. You know nothing about him!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 26/08/2023 10:53

I didn't even need to see the actual details of this particular request to know- NEVER send money!

It's different if it's a life-long friendship. Even then, it would be difficult.

Never ever send money though- watch For Love nor Money to see lovely, kind-hearted but often gullible women (mostly) being scammed out of their life savings. It starts small, builds up and many of these online relationships go on for years and years. This is a little different,

If you feel worried/want to donate money, you cannot give money to everything, so choose one cause really dear to your heart and give money there.

WestwardHo1 · 26/08/2023 10:53

Do not fall for this OP.

Your husband is right.

Andthereyougo · 26/08/2023 10:55

It may not even be him. Can be brother/ nephew/ son/ neighbour. So many scams and who knows if genuine people in African countries are forced to hand over their contacts to scammers? Even if it is him, give once and it will be requested over and over. ( been there as DH and I did a posting in Africa)
I’d ignore and block.

Ponoka7 · 26/08/2023 10:56

I'm on the fence, but I know people all over Nigeria and could check this out. Where does your husband think that the small business loans come from? That's quite frankly laughable. Don't send money but perhaps look up how difficult life in Nigeria is, people work just for food and sleep rough. The situation with the oil companies aren't helping and no, the £1.65 an hour they get paid isn't enough to live on.

MinnieMouse0 · 26/08/2023 10:56

I don’t think it’s necessarily a scam but I don’t think you should send money. My relatives used to live in the UAE and when they came back their housekeeper and nanny were constantly on FB asking for money!

category12 · 26/08/2023 10:57

You'd be silly to send someone you barely know money and only having his word for it why.

I mean, if you're rolling in it and aren't bothered whether he's a scammer or not, then do what you want, I suppose.

Although if you do, I suppose you're the small percentage that makes it worth scammers trying - they don't need everyone to give them money, they just need a couple of hits.

cocksstrideintheevening · 26/08/2023 10:59

Are you really that naive op?

Tweezeme1 · 26/08/2023 11:06

Don’t be so naive, it’s a scam. Block and move on.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 11:10

I guess I always assumed that these scammers tend to be the unsolicited Nigerian Prince style con artists. When it was someone that I saw every day for over a year, I guess it just seemed a bit less cut and dry.

I wouldn't describe myself as naive as such but I always do make sure I've examined my conscience properly before making a decision. I'm definitely not sending him any money.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 11:11

It's difficult, but I would send £50 if you can easily afford it - stress that it's a one off, and let him know he can return it to you if and when things get significantly easier.

Things really are very very hard in Nigeria for many people, and as others have said, a small amount can literally be the difference between a family eating for a month or not. There are no safety nets like there are here.

8 years is a long, long time for a scam! If he was wanting to scam you, you'd have had a reach out within the first six months, when he reckoned the memory of your friendliness was fresh. He has waited until he's had no choice. Sounds to me like the guy has been trying to make a genuine living, and he's right up against it right now... it's a much more direct and effective form of giving than charity.... it's for someone who you know at least to be basically pleasant, and 100% will be received by the person who needs it.

Assuming they are genuine, I think the shame will be very real, born from desperation.

I have connections in that country, and small amounts make a huge difference, and I'm constantly amazed by the generosity of others who are almost as desperate, scraping together an extra £5 to pass to someone else, because they are sick, their business failed, or they have mouths to feed.

Blocking is a very comfortable way to shut out the reality that a ton of people in this world are desperate.

You sound like a lovely person... I think you will be happier if you help.

Kastri · 26/08/2023 11:12

Its a scam,block.

Crunchyb · 26/08/2023 11:13

The OP clearly owes this man nothing. I also can’t guarantee that his description of his situation is accurate. I can’t even say that it is definitely him contacting you.

However the economic situation in Nigeria is particularly bad right now and the pinch is being felt by everyone except the elite. The lower down the social and economic scale you go, the worse it gets.

Corruption, COVID, the Ukraine war, lack of any social security and now the sudden removal of the fuel subsidy, which has been in place for decades, are all having a cumulative detrimental effect.

I don’t find it hard to believe someone who was working as a security guard is struggling with everyday life, without even factoring in a sudden life stressor like an ill relative.

Give or don’t give. I personally would never feel bad about giving a small amount I can afford to lose to help someone. Even if I were to later find out it was a scam, I would feel (and have felt) comfortable knowing that I did was I thought was a compassionate thing to do, in the knowledge that that was money that I could, at worst, afford to lose.

But if you do give make it clear that you are struggling too and it is a one-off, and further requests will be ignored.

Dontjudgeme101 · 26/08/2023 11:13

Again it’s a scam. Ignore those people telling you to give him money.

Naominumbers · 26/08/2023 11:14

I would ignore and block.

XiCi · 26/08/2023 11:14

Whataretheodds · 26/08/2023 10:29

You don't even know it's him. Scammers take over genuine social media accounts and then tap up their contacts for money, in exactly this way.

I work in online fraud and was coming on to say exactly this

Iwasafool · 26/08/2023 11:16

BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 11:11

It's difficult, but I would send £50 if you can easily afford it - stress that it's a one off, and let him know he can return it to you if and when things get significantly easier.

Things really are very very hard in Nigeria for many people, and as others have said, a small amount can literally be the difference between a family eating for a month or not. There are no safety nets like there are here.

8 years is a long, long time for a scam! If he was wanting to scam you, you'd have had a reach out within the first six months, when he reckoned the memory of your friendliness was fresh. He has waited until he's had no choice. Sounds to me like the guy has been trying to make a genuine living, and he's right up against it right now... it's a much more direct and effective form of giving than charity.... it's for someone who you know at least to be basically pleasant, and 100% will be received by the person who needs it.

Assuming they are genuine, I think the shame will be very real, born from desperation.

I have connections in that country, and small amounts make a huge difference, and I'm constantly amazed by the generosity of others who are almost as desperate, scraping together an extra £5 to pass to someone else, because they are sick, their business failed, or they have mouths to feed.

Blocking is a very comfortable way to shut out the reality that a ton of people in this world are desperate.

You sound like a lovely person... I think you will be happier if you help.

I thought 8 years was a long lead up to a scam for what would be unlikely to be a large amount of money.

AtomicBlondeRose · 26/08/2023 11:17

It may not be a scam as such but it’s indicative of the way different cultures approach these things. In some cultures it’s not considered rude to outright ask for things, and a no also doesn’t necessarily offend. It’s considered a case of “don’t ask, don’t get”. So within that frame of mind you can see why he would reach out to anyone who might be inclined to chuck a few quid his way. He probably does need it - who doesn’t? But in our culture we know we personally wouldn’t ask someone who was an acquaintance for money. So we assume anyone who does ask must be in the same very dire straits we would have to be in. And we also assume that they would feel as bad to be turned down as we would feel in that same situation.

Basically it’s not necessarily a scam. It could just be a poor man chancing his arm. Up to you what you do with that knowledge.

user1492757084 · 26/08/2023 11:18

How do you know that it is actually him?
I would want to hear his voice.
Speak to him directly.

And if it is him,he could be too proud to ask from a man.
The whole thing could be someone using his fb somehow.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/08/2023 11:19

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 10:05

That's what I was worried about.

Show quote history

Find an actual charity supporting families there and donate to them rather than this scammer

PrincessScarlett · 26/08/2023 11:19

You've already said he's not a friend, just someone you exchanged pleasantries with. He's totally trying to manipulate you as he probably knows enough about you from chatting to him and your Facebook page to know that you are financially comfortable and wouldn't miss a few quid. He is scamming you do not send him any money.