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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter complains about guests

201 replies

user1255467 · 25/08/2023 23:40

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 26/08/2023 20:45

It sounds like they are coming at those times because they want to see her.
It doesnt to me. It sounds like a habit they have goy into that suits them.
Personally if I was OP, I would be out a few times to break the habit before it becomes fixed in stone for ever.
I'm not saying that the op isn't happy with the arrangement but uf it still happening in a few months time I bet it will be wearing.

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 20:52

user1255467 · 25/08/2023 23:54

She starts work at 9, she use to work till 6 but had to go part time due to health problems. I think this is why it is annoying her because she cut her hours to finish early to rest when she got home.
She pays rent and does her fair share of jobs around the flat.

In that case, she is not being unreasonable. She's paying rent and doing her fair share so you're effectively flat mates, and if a flat mate was having people 'unexpectedly drop in' for a few hours for no real reason several times a week, just at the time when the other flat mate really needed to chill for a bit, it would be massively annoying.

Why does your sister feel the need to invite herself round for hours so often? It's a bit much, surely?

xyz111 · 26/08/2023 21:44

Agree with your daughter. Can they not come earlier in the day when she's at work?

CantFindMyMarbles · 27/08/2023 18:34

Make a point of inviting them round when your duaghter is at work. They might get the hint.
its your daughters home and if it’s happening quite regularly then it is really irritating….whether you agree or not.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 27/08/2023 18:48

Earphones or earplugs for her...

GrannyMack · 27/08/2023 19:07

Your adult daughter, who pays her way and had to cut her hours due to ill health, has told you she is tired after work. Why aren't you, as her mum, aware of her tiredness and need for rest, especially as she isn't well.

Are you scared of your sister? Can you alternate with visiting them? Ask them to come 3 out of 4 times while she is at work. Seeing them once a fortnight or so will be enough for your daughter surely?

Londoner89 · 27/08/2023 19:25

your sister means the guest is her aunt?
who comes over for around an hour and a half a few times a week, in the middle of the afternoon.

your daughter can excuse herself as being just in from work, shower and put her headphones on for a bit/sit in her room.

YANBU. Your sister is family, these days it’s rare for family to be close and pop in and she doesn’t seem to be overbearing in her visits. make the most of it

NeedTheSeaside · 27/08/2023 19:38

She's not being required to socialise with them. She can hear you talking in the lounge, if that's such a big deal she can get noise cancelling head phones.

It would be different if she was expected to sit with you all being sociable, but she's not.

Its not in the slightest like working longer hours.

Ginseng1 · 27/08/2023 19:39

I understand where your DD is coming from. That would annoy me too. It sounds like your sis & bil are bit thoughtless & landing in at set time because it suits them for whatever reason. Retirees do tend to get into a routine very quickly so maybe break the cycle. Say to your sis why don't we do xbz next week instead like go for walk or coffee shop or something & then the following wk - "why don't I come to yours" or else next time don't be there!! Literally just to break the habit without having to come across as unwelcoming.

pollymere · 27/08/2023 19:51

I don't think she is BU. Why do they have to visit at a time when your DD wants to get home from work and relax? Perhaps suggest they come earlier, or visit for lunch instead?

Sillyname63 · 27/08/2023 19:55

I would ask your visitors to come earlier, they are probably coming then thinking they would catch you both, but if you explain that your DD needs some quiet time after work due to her health issues so it would be more convenient if they came at a different time or meet them somewhere else if that time is the only convenient time for them and you would still like to see them.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:02

She is being very unreasonable, why doesn't her hearing people chatting at tea time stop her relaxing in her room. She's being really precious. If it was 11pm then fair enough.

You get to decide if you have people round at a reasonable time of day, it's family also. It's not like they are staying ages.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 27/08/2023 20:09

This wouldn't work for me at all. When I get back from work I need a good half hour to reset and ideally speak to absolutely no one. I'm with DD!

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 27/08/2023 20:19

Crikey, it would irritate the shit out of me if I didn't get some quiet time after work. Just tell your sister that mornings are a better time to visit,it's not that hard.

Ilovecleaning · 27/08/2023 20:22

They are a PITA! If they are retired surely they must remember getting home from work and needing to relax. Your visitors are being totally unreasonable and they need to be told. Just tell them.

Threegreenbirds · 27/08/2023 20:27

Tell them to come in the morning on prearranged days. Tell them your DD needs rest at the end of the day.

ScotsGirl48 · 27/08/2023 20:35

after a busy day of running around getting things done if I’m exhausted & extremely sore(I suffer with chronic pain) I let people know in a group text that I’m exhausted & in pain so door is locked & will not be unlocked until the following day, no one has said anything rude to me about my texts so far, one friend messaged back saying thanks for the heads up as now I don’t need to put clothes on lol (they were in their pjs I hope), so I don’t believe your daughter is being unreasonable as she has cut her hours to part time & she helps around the house + pays rent so wanting peace & quiet to relax when she comes home isn’t much to ask for really, your sister & BIL could come at lunchtime & be away for her coming home

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/08/2023 22:13

Notsuredontknow · 25/08/2023 23:44

I can see her point, I think I would feel similar. And if your visitors can come another time without too much inconvenience then I’d probably gently try to encourage that. Maybe they come when they do because they like seeing her? At the end of the day though it’s your flat so if you don’t want to change anything then DD will have to just put up with it. I don’t think she’s massively unreasonable to have mentioned it though

At the end of the day many parents and adult children share flats. Like roommates!

BlondieLady · 27/08/2023 22:19

Time to move out surely

absentseizure · 28/08/2023 06:38

I agree with @thecatinthetwat it would annoy me. I would say that she is entitled to share her opinions but the why is more important than the what here.

If she just hates your sister because she once ate her mars bar or any other petty thing then she is being unreasonable.

If it's because she has health problems like you say, she is not being unreasonable. I am neurodiverse and most of the time I want my house filled with people and love it, but sometimes it is sensory overload or triggers some anxiety. I have moments where I need to retreat to my room and be alone and my husband and kids think that's valid when it's because I genuinely can't cope, because it's not for long and I bounce back quick.

I would try to understand why. If it's legitimate because it has a big impact on her mental or physical health then I would try to find the way to make it work and proactively manage my visiting sister.

You might discover after work she only needs 2 hours to recenter and rejuvenate so sister can come after 5.30. Or you might have a sisterly chat with sister and say "DD is going through some health stuff right now and struggling. I've agreed with her for the time being to let her rest at these times. Would it be ok if you come at these alternative times instead because I love your visits and still want you to drop by"

Given it is very easy to create a win win here she INBU

LlynTegid · 28/08/2023 06:50

Getting them to visit in the morning would be better, after all because we still have this arcane practice of afternoon darkness after late October, gets them into visiting entirely in daylight.

Densol57 · 28/08/2023 09:20

I remember reading a thread on here recently and a significant number of posters had rotten awful childhoods. I wonder if many of them are the ones posting “ just tell her to move out “ like its normal to them just to chuck adult kids out when you dont like what they are asking ! Its madness - Id never do that to my children 😳

OP - stop these constant visits in your DDs rest time, because she is unwell and reschedule to better suit your families health needs

Jacesmum1977 · 28/08/2023 10:38

To those saying, get DD to move out; I’d hate to be your child! The living space is her ‘home’. Not a flat share, it’s her home with her mother; it’s where she belongs and where she feels safe. Stating she has to move out is just not great parenting in my book. Just because your children are no longer in their teens doesn’t mean they stop being your children. Shame on all of you.

DDs work has allowed to accommodate less working hours due to her health.
I’d make a stab in the dark that she needs some rest when she gets home, not have to deal with people in her safe space.

OP, do you have an issue with your S & BIL coming over at a different time of day?

If you don’t have any problem with them coming over at another time then I don’t really get this post.

ShellySarah · 28/08/2023 10:44

It's very strange how parents are happy to take rent and bills but then not acknowledge this and state it's my home, don't like it , get out.

If she has no say in who comes in the house she is jointly paying for, then why should she pay rent? She's being treated like an unwelcome guest herself and she is paying for that "privilege."

SillyOldBucket · 29/08/2023 17:16

To be honest, I think she's being unreasonable, especially if she doesn't have to participate in the talking. Working from 9.00 am to 3.30 pm is a short day. I am up at 6.00 a.m., drive one of my daughters to school, get to work at 8.30 a.m., finish work at 5.30 p.m., get home at 5.50 p.m. and then cook dinner. On top of that on Mondays after work I drop one daughter for drum lesson at 6 pm and pick the other up from ballet, arriving back home about 6.45 and then cook dinner and wash up. I don't sit down and relax until around 8/8.30pm, and I'm 64!!