Daughter complains about guests

[user1255467]

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

She is not being unreasonable, one off visitor’s fine. Regularly in a small flat would be a pain for me. Why don’t you go out somewhere for a change? Sounds like she pays rent, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

She's contributing, so IMO is entitled to some peace. Her health is also a consideration.

I didn't like walking into the house to find visitors after a day at work.

Do they drive? Leaving at 5.30pm
Is when traffic is heavy.

What have they said when you've suggested that they come at a different time as their niece comes home from work feeling tired and is not up for company so could they please drop in earlier in the day such as at x o'clock?

That's called being ableist, FYI.

This thread is ridiculous.

most MNers won’t even open the door to an unexpected visitor lest it interfere with their post work plans to do nothing yet a woman who works, pulls her weight and has health issues is expected to routinely tolerate people being in her space.

give your daughter a break, she just wants to come home and be completely relaxed.

As per usual lazy posters haven't bothered to read the OP's updates. Her DD has health issues and is not lazy. She also contributes financially and pulls her weight, so less of the ageist comments please.

Is it that hard to resolve this in the family? Is it really difficult for your sister to come regularly to visit you earlier? Put yourself in your daughter's shoes and assess the situation from her point of view.

If you are happy with these visitors at a perfectly normal time of day then she is being a bit unreasonable. I would not accept my husband or adult children telling me who I could spend time with in my own house during the day.

Having said that, if you and your sister are free all day then it seems a simple adjustment to ask them to visit earlier, or meet them out for a walk or something to reduce the impact on your DD after work.

All these people demanding "Dies she pay 50% of all the bills? Does she pull her weight?" As if this should be the deciding factor in whether her opinions should be listened to 😑

Is there a word for that? Capitalist? Mercenary? Whatever you call it, it's pretty unpleasant.

Just ask people to come at a time you've arranged - they're pretty rude calling in uninvited and staying for hours and anyone would be reasonable in finding this annoying when they've just got in from work.

Exactly. If I came home from work and found visitors there, who then stayed for a couple of hours chatting away, I would smile and be polite and try to act as normally as possible. But if they showed up again later the same week...

She has health issues, she has cut her hours at work because of them, and presumably if she is not thrilled to see visitors, she is a more introverted person also.

People who are energised by other people have no idea how draining it can be and people without health issues sapping their energy, ditto, have no idea.

I find it utterly unreasonable that the daughter is being subjected to this, when she has explained how tired she is and how much she just wants peace and quiet at that time. Retired people are not limited to only visiting between 3.30- 5.30.

But it's not "occasional" - it's twice a week and is turning into something that is happening on a regular basis and always right as the OPs DD is getting home from work. She has no chance to just have a few minutes to get herself together before the guests arrive and as they aren't her guests she has no say on whether or not they come at all or to ask them to leave if it's too much.

The OP says her DDs room is right off the lounge so she probably comes home and wants to make herself something to eat but doesn't feel comfortable doing so when guests are there as she will have to pass the lounge to go from bedroom to kitchen and either have to engage with them when she is not in the right headspace to deal with social niceties or totally ignore them which is just rude ... Equally if she wants to go for a shower then she might not want to have to walk back past the living room in a towel to get to her room (I have some aunts and uncles I am close enough with to walk round wearing a towel and not mind of they see me and other aunts/uncles where I would feel very awkward even just passing a doorway where they might see me in a towel)

OP, do you want the visits to continue at this frequency and if so is there any way change the timings so that the visits are either earlier, so they're leaving just as DD gets home, or later, so DD gets a bit of time to get herself together before they arrive? Or even alternate different venues - so some weeks they come to you, other times you go to them and other times you go out somewhere whether it's for a walk, a coffee etc?

I am an introvert with anxiety and work in a customer facing retail role. I am perfectly able to project an extroverted personality at work but it is exhausting so when I come home for the evening I am usually overstimulated and just need 30 minutes of quiet to switch off from work.

To do this I come in, take off my coat and shoes, have a shower, get into comfy clothes and then I make tea ... DD knows that this is my routine and when she's with me (I share custody 50/50 with ExDH) she knows that when I come home I will say a quick "Hey, how's your day been?" as I come in and then disappear to the bathroom/my room for 30/40 mins and then once I've had that "reset" time I will make tea and we will spend the rest of the evening together.

If I ever have friends/family over in the evening I will always arrange for them to come over no earlier than an hour after I get home so I have a chance to take some time for myself, make sure the place is presentable and rest for a short time before I have to host.

OP, do you want the visits to continue at this frequency

That is the key question here. Are you coming back to answer anything, @user1255467 ?

I'm surprised OP wants the same visitors coming round so frequently and at rhat time, never mind the dd!

This ^

MN is not like the real world.

On MN people don't even answer the door when someone knocks at a perfectly 'normal' time of the day.

😂

I second this! I have health issues that require me to rest however I also have a husband and two teenagers living with me.
I have never asked any of them to not have/curtail visitors because I believe their social lives are as important as my desire for peace and quiet.
I don't think the specific health issues have been mentioned but for me it would have to be something quite serious before I would be asking people not to come over and visit.

I have never asked any of them to not have/curtail visitors because I believe their social lives are as important as my desire for peace and quiet

But have any of them had visitors regularly, every week, right as you get home from work taking up all of the living space so you are forced to spend the time in your bedroom?

I don't think the OPs DD would have an issue with the visitors if it wasn't for the frequency and the timing issues both being present and making her feel like she cant relax at home.

I would have no issue with people dropping in just as I was getting home from work as a one off visit but would have an issue of it was a regular thing every week ... equally I would have no issue with people coming round at a set time on a regular weekly basis providing that the set time was not right as I was getting home from work.

There is a compromise - the OP can continue the visits, if she wishes, but just ask her DSis to come earlier/later so that the visits aren't happening right at the time her DD is getting home from work. If I started visiting one of my siblings on a regular basis and found out that the visits were causing an issue for one of my nieces or nephews then my first response would be to find a way to make the visits work for everyone, especially if there was an easy fix of me just adjusting the time I visited.

It needs to be noted that it isn't just when she comes in from work - it's also her days off.

(they) 'always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.'

So no rest at all.

This reads a bit like a reverse!

Assuming it’s not and you are the mum,

1. Do you actually want these visitors to come twice a week at this time? Does it suit you?
2. Would you rather you visited them instead-or made the arrangement at another time?

Eh? OP has said it’s only twice a week, so your comment ‘no rest at all’ makes no sense.

And there’s no indication that her aunt and uncle expect dd to be present, they’re coming to see OP, dd can rest in her room.

It also sounds like aunt and uncle are avoiding meal times so as not to oblige OP to feed them.

@melj1213 I have 2 Teenagers, there are people in my house constantly!

Unless guests are expecting her to host them then she's unreasonable. She can put earphones in and listen to music for an hour if she wants to chill and the noise of chat is annoying her.

But they aren't 'guests' who have been invited, they're dropping in uninvited.

Are they even doing this on the same days each week? Which would provide some kind of ability to predict and prepare.

I love seeing people and I adore my sisters, but if a sister and BiL were dropping in randomly, unexpected and uninvited, twice a week, I think I'd probably ask them to change the time to something more convenient and to let me know/ask if I'm free.

And if my ill daughter found company hard to deal with on returning home I'd definitely do that.

It sounds like they are coming at those times because they want to see her.
But now you have mentioned she had to go part time because of health problems it puts a different picture on things.
She's probably really tired and just wants to sit on the sofa or go for a lie down but then these guests are here and she probably finds it really awkward because she feels like she has to make conversation with them or she's not able to switch off if she goes into another room because you can hear her talking.

I think you should talk to your sister and just tell her what the situation is and that she should come round earlier on to make sure DD can rest when she gets home.

I'm guessing sister and husband go out for lunch then head off to visit. My neighbours would do Debenhams cafe before it went, now lunch at Costa or Starbucks. BUT they don't drop in uninvited anywhere

Health problems that require rest or sleep (I am not sure if this is or is not the case with the DD as the OP hasn’t said) are a completely different kettle of fish to tired mothers! I’ve experience both so I can tell you it’s not comparable. OP hadn’t clarified if her daughter experiences a condition that requires rest but she’s unwell enough that she can only work part time.