Daughter complains about guests

[user1255467]

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

It's your flat she's living in, of course she pays you rent and mucks in.

But that doesn't give her the right to dictate to you when you can/can't have guests round.

She'll have to get her own flat before she can start dictating that.

Either way OP, why aren't you telling us what you want in your own flat?

Are you happy with the visiting?

They're in the living room chatting, not lounging on her bed.
When did adult kids get so entitled?

She's ill, she still works, she pays rent, she pulls her weight.

She's not unreasonable

She's very unreasonable if she thinks she can dictate when her mum has guests in her own flat, just because she can hear them at a normal time of day chatting in another room.

It's not like they're blasting dance music and bursting into her bedroom.

With this update I think it's not great for her, so I feel it is you who IBU.

Do you want her to move out or are you happy with the set up?

Adult kids aren’t entitled. It’s the baby boomers with the instant response of throwing them out regardless of the situation. Only on MN is the first answer to push him/her to “move out” as if the rent and job market isn’t in utter flames right now and has the stability of a paper straw. I wish we had more awareness around ridiculous rent prices, minimum wage for young people, and general inflation and population growth before we get above ourselves and encourage others to throw out young adults like don’t they have it 20 times harder.

None of this has anything to do with the OP's DD thinking she can dictate when she has guests around.

If she was living in a house full of younger siblings, she'd have to put up or move out.

Yeah I feel for her, it’s her home too. If she was struggling to work until 6pm, I can see why she wants to come home and kick back.

I hate unexpected visitors and it would annoy me too if were people were arriving just when I'd finished work or on my day off no matter who owned where I live. Is there a reason your sister has started these unannounced visits at this particular time and on your daughters days off? It appears to be a recent thing so I'm curious as to why she can't phone ahead to check with you or arrange visits for a different time.

Why can't she relax in her room? If she really feels she needs absolute silence, then she can close her door and put on headphones.

You need to ask the retirees to come earlier in the day/when your DD is out, and not during those crucial chill out hours. I imagine they’re bored and intend to set up a routine of dropping in on you and filling up their time at yours.

Your DD’s feelings matter.

Ps a one off is fine but a routine is insufferable.

Is the daughter allowed guests in her own home or does her mum say no even though she pays rent?

When did adult kids get so entitled?

When they started paying rent and pulling their weight doing housework.

I feel sad about all these people who'd prefer to push their adult kids put rather than just come to a compromise everyone is happy with.

She's working, pays rent & contributes. The op loses that money if she kicks her daughter out over this.

Sorry, but who are you to tell me what I can and cannot post? It’s an opinion forum, and you’ve literally just posted your own. I was responding to an opinion with an opinion, thank you very much. There’s plenty of talk on this thread of the DD moving out, so it’s very much relevant

She would have to put up with noise in the exact same way if she was to live with flatmates. Buy her some earplugs. She's not entitled to complete silence just because she lives with her parent, exactly the same as if she lived with a flatmate or even a partner.

It's 50:50. YANBU to have them around at that time, but if I were her my heart would sink seeing them settle in for a few hours...again, when I wanted to potter around peacefully at home.

they weren't telling you to post or not to post anything. Everyone is allowed to respond. Have you ever been on a forum before? Every opinion can be shared. Some may disagree.

Exactly, or a house share with people her own age.
She expects her Mum to baby her, when she's an adult.

Every opinion can be shared.

Right thanks, but tell that to the poster who replied to me first saying what I said is irrelevant, whilst it’s very much relevant. Like you, that poster took a condescending tone for no reason, when I’m entitled to post my opinion as much as yours.

It's not an unreasonable time for visitors but, as you've said she has health problems and is still doing her best to remain in what employment she can, there may be some worth in considering her complaints.

Can you compromise and have visitors at that time once a week and ask them to come at a different time for their second visit? Shorten the visits? Does your DD have visitors at that time some days, which would weaken her argument? In normal circumstances I'd say she is unreasonable for the hour but she has health problems, so she might be reasonable if not being able to rest properly after work makes it harder for her to keep living a more normal life.

She is not being unreasonable. I'm somebody who has to decompress with some quiet alone time when I come home from work, and I don't work in a particularly stressful workplace. Doubly so if she's exhausted because of health issues, and especially so if she's in any sort of customer facing role.

The two of you have to negotiate a home situation that works for you both. In my experience, retired relatives can easily forget what it is like to come home from work knackered and not want to be social. They probably mean well and want to see her, but it's not unreasonable for her to not want to arrive home to guests, even family.

She needs downtime, privacy and a sanctuary. Not people coming round at random and making her unable to relax.