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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter complains about guests

201 replies

user1255467 · 25/08/2023 23:40

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Oliotya · 26/08/2023 07:49

Is there a good reason why retirees can only visit at that specific time? Twice a week, immediately after work is a bit much imo. Can't they come earlier in the day, or you go to them once a week?

GlitteryGreen · 26/08/2023 07:52

This is her own auntie though? Are the coming when she's home because they want to see her?

Or I'm guessing they're in the area for something that leaves them free at that time maybe, and that's why they've started dropping in.

I don't think it's that big a deal tbh, surely they're not going to come round twice a week forever all of a sudden.

saraclara · 26/08/2023 07:54

How do YOU feel about these regular unannounced visits, OP? Does the timing suit you?

If DD lived in a normal house share she'd have no say at all in what happens in the house when she arrives home. She'd have to put up and shut up. But since you have some investment in her mental health, in your position, I'd simply say to your sister that maybe they could pop round mid morning instead as it works better for you. Better still if they could text you first to let you know they're coming.

stayathomer · 26/08/2023 07:56

Oliotya
Is there a good reason why retirees can only visit at that specific time? Twice a week, immediately after work is a bit much imo. Can't they come earlier in the day, or you go to them once a week?
I think they might be there to see them both as it seems to be her aunt if OP's sister? I could totally be wrong though!

stayathomer · 26/08/2023 07:58

I'd be pissed off if someone was at my house twice a week expecting to see me but I had no say in the matter. I always ask DH if someone is coming, and he does the same.
Ah okay, yes, we've a different thing going on where it's family. Dh's family live nearby and drop down, they ring before they come but it's no big deal. I haven't seen my sister in two years and my kids haven't seen their cousins since then so I think we'd all kill for them to call over regularly but yes, every house is totally different. Hard for the op if she enjoys her sister being there and hard for the daughter if she wants the space

Zanatdy · 26/08/2023 08:02

If she’s unwell and actually needs to sleep rather than just chilling in her room then I’d just ask your sister if she could come either before 3.30 (so gone by then) or after dinner. Just say DD is struggling and needs a nap at that time. Sure she will understand

Serendipitoushedgehog · 26/08/2023 08:03

Notsuredontknow · 25/08/2023 23:44

I can see her point, I think I would feel similar. And if your visitors can come another time without too much inconvenience then I’d probably gently try to encourage that. Maybe they come when they do because they like seeing her? At the end of the day though it’s your flat so if you don’t want to change anything then DD will have to just put up with it. I don’t think she’s massively unreasonable to have mentioned it though

Do we know it’s the mums flat? I mean, it probably is but she doesn’t say that.

Meltychocolateteapot · 26/08/2023 08:04

Perhaps if you’re an extrovert or naturally sociable person you would think nothing of having visitors in your house regularly when you come in from work. But for an introvert that’s a nightmare, they just want to decompress and their social batteries would be completely depleted after a day in work. Most people would find being able to lounge on their couch way more relaxing than having to be confined to their bedroom.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 08:05

AllyCart · 26/08/2023 07:41

I can't believe there are so many posts saying things like "it's stressful having visitors after work" and "she needs to decompress after work".

She's only done 6hrs in the middle of the day, FFS. It's not like she's just finished a hectic 13hr night shift in A&E or something.

It's hardly abnormal for someone to have occasional, presumably quiet, visitors and it shouldn't be so difficult for a young adult to handle.

She's had to cut her hours for health reasons, so your post comes across as belittling.

HorsePlatitudes · 26/08/2023 08:07

Why can’t they come around when she’s at work? 🤷‍♀️

I had a boyfriend like this and I’d come home from work to find the lounge full of people popping in, it was beyond irritating

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/08/2023 08:08

Do you want your DD living with you?

If DD living with you is mutually beneficial (helps rent a nicer place than you could afford / you like her bring there), I think you listen to her. Obviously, this also applies if she is on the contract!

If DD is living with you for her convenience not mutually, and you would be happier if she moved out, then this is one of those "well it's my house" things.

I'm assuming you're asking the question because you're happy for visitors to come whenever!

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 08:09

HorsePlatitudes · 26/08/2023 08:07

Why can’t they come around when she’s at work? 🤷‍♀️

I had a boyfriend like this and I’d come home from work to find the lounge full of people popping in, it was beyond irritating

They’re probably trying to be considerate and avoiding lunch and dinner times.

And your situation with boyfriend sounds very annoying but is different to OP’s situation. Adult children don’t really get to dictate to parents when they can have visitors.

Meltychocolateteapot · 26/08/2023 08:13

It’s probably awkward for your DD as the guests are her aunt and uncle. There’s probably an expectation that she chats and interacts with them, and when she goes to her room she probably feels awkward and rude even though she desperately needs the rest (for the health reasons you mentioned). Strangely it would probably be easier to pretend the guests were not there if she didn’t know them.

BustyDin · 26/08/2023 08:21

MN is the wrong place to ask this question, as there are hordes of people on here who regard visitors at any time of day or in any context at all as the Antichrist.

Cynicaltheorist · 26/08/2023 08:22

Maybe she needs to move out into a shared house so that she can experience life in the real world. Try telling fellow flatmates that they can't make any noise because you need to rest in the middle of the afternoon!

Popping in for a cup of tea and an hour's chat at around 4pm isn't unreasonable. It's not as if they're staying for hour after hour and expecting meals. Your daughter can invest £3 in a box of Muffles earplugs from Boots, buy herself noise-cancelling headphones or she can move out to get peace and quiet — or she can join you and your family for an hour.

You sound quite indulgent, OP. It sounds like time to stop babying her.

NalafromtheLionKing · 26/08/2023 08:24

I’m with DD here. As a PP said, just find a tactful way to change the timing of the visits eg do lunches or morning walks.

Cynicaltheorist · 26/08/2023 08:26

desperately needs the rest (for the health reasons you mentioned).

This is a real reach. Think of all the desperately tired mothers and other adults who would love an afternoon nap but have to go on regardless. One of the major lessons you have to learn growing up is that the world doesn't revolve around you.

Cynicaltheorist · 26/08/2023 08:28

Meltychocolateteapot · 26/08/2023 08:04

Perhaps if you’re an extrovert or naturally sociable person you would think nothing of having visitors in your house regularly when you come in from work. But for an introvert that’s a nightmare, they just want to decompress and their social batteries would be completely depleted after a day in work. Most people would find being able to lounge on their couch way more relaxing than having to be confined to their bedroom.

Then they go and find their own place to live: they don't impose their own desires on others. And I say this as someone who is naturally introverted.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/08/2023 08:32

Tell them to come for a morning coffee. She went part time so that she could rest in the afternoon. There's no point if you have noisy visitors.

LaMadameCholet · 26/08/2023 08:37

I get that she’s tired, but surely she can’t expect to have the whole house run her way every day? It’s only for a couple of hours twice a week. If she lived with friends, a partner or children of her own she’d have to be accommodating to their needs to socialise. She can’t expect you to live in a monk’s cell 24/7. Even if she could afford to live alone she’d still need to learn with neighbours, street noise etc.

ifonly4 · 26/08/2023 08:38

We accept it happens occasionally, but neither of us like coming home to find guests. We just want a bit of switch off time and to be able to just come in, freshen up and change clothes, then if someone wants to come an hour later, fine.

Also, thinking of you, OP. Are you happy with this arrangement? There might be a time when you want to do something yourself that time, but visitors might start to think it's a set thing at that time. Maybe suggest they pop around a couple of mornings each week instead.

rainbowstardrops · 26/08/2023 08:46

The odd unexpected visit here and there is one thing but it to now be a couple of times a week when your DD has cut her hours for health reasons, is a bit much. Like others have said, they're retired so why can't they visit during the day, or you go and meet them for coffee or lunch? Seems pretty easy to compromise here surely?

declutteringmymind · 26/08/2023 08:47

Noise cancelling headphones?

RampantIvy · 26/08/2023 08:49

PocketBattleship · 26/08/2023 00:00

Then for all of these reasons you need to start listening to her.

Show quote history

I agree. DD has CFS and had reduced working hours for this reason. She would find it very draining to come back to visitors twice a week.

Did you even bother reading this ^^ update from the OP @rwalker or have you had an empathy bypass?

natura · 26/08/2023 08:50

OP, you used the word 'complaining' which I think has made this thread less forgiving than it might have been.

If your daughter had made this as a request...

"Hey mum, I'm really drained after work and would love to be able to come home and just hang out quietly with you without guests being around. Could you ask Auntie X if she could pop over earlier in the day from now on?"

... would that be different?

Because framed that way, it really doesn't sound unreasonable to me.