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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter complains about guests

201 replies

user1255467 · 25/08/2023 23:40

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 26/08/2023 06:23

It's twice a week, not every day. And it isn't unsocial hours. I'm not a fan of people just dropping by, but if that's the norm for your family (and I think the world is 50/50 on whether it's acceptable to not pre arrange visits) then think it would be rude to tell your sister not to visit at that time. It will be obvious it's because of dd, and will cause offence.

I think it's not onerous to sit in her room or go have a shower/get some snacks from the kitchen, while your sister talks to you. I think she has to learn how to cope with it - if it was every day she'd have a point, bus as it is she's being unfairly demanding.

Sayitaintso33 · 26/08/2023 06:25

ThreeLittleDots · 25/08/2023 23:43

Not if she pays her way, i.e. 50% of the mortgage/rent and bills.

If not then she is being unreasonable really.

I hate this idea that just because you have money you can ride roughshod over the other people in your life.

pompomdaisy · 26/08/2023 06:28

I don't like unannounced callers either. Let alone repeatedly unannounced. It's a bit rude. It would annoy me but then my home is my castle.

VitaminDee · 26/08/2023 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Of all the crazy posts on MN, this banal situation is one that you don’t believe?! If I was going to make up a thread, I would choose a topic a bit more exciting!

TibetanTerrah · 26/08/2023 06:42

I think she should appreciate that she's not in a houseshare with zero control over random guests and suck it up.

This definitely comes under 'mildly annoying and not what I'd prefer but not worth complaining about'.

Let's face it, she's moaning she can hear people 'talking' while she lies in her room. For two hours. A couple of times a week.

If you share your space with anyone else, you can't have everything exactly as you would choose to have it, all the time.

notacooldad · 26/08/2023 06:56

She is not being UR.
When I get home from work I need to decompress and be people free for a while.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 07:02

Poppyblush · 26/08/2023 04:37

Your dd sounds entitled and lazy.

Shock

The DD has cut her working hours for health reasons.

whatchagonnado · 26/08/2023 07:03

She's not being UR. She probably feels awkward and anti-social too if they are close relatives - she might feel like she should be there socialising with you, but just doesn't feel up to it. And she needs her rest.
Just arrange for them to come round earlier in the day and say why, no hard feelings

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/08/2023 07:12

Threenow · 26/08/2023 01:25

I'm struggling to understand how difficult it is to cope with visitors when she is in her bedroom. Being able to hear people talk is hardly taxing!! You are the one doing the entertaining, so it's your decision, nothing to do with your DD.

Hearing further noise when you're already unwell and have had 6+ hours of constant noise, talk, laughing, etc in your day is taxing. There are days when I come in and need to lay down in a darkened room for a couple of hours without anything going on because I am utterly peopled out.

DP sometimes has mates around on a day off or when he used to do shifts - there wasn't a place in the house where it didn't sound as though they were in the same room as me and, although I didn't say it, I inwardly slumped each time I walked in and realised there was another one there. Had it been twice a week with no prospect of change for the future, it would have been extra stressful knowing that for 40% of the working week, I wouldn't be able to stop and switch off until they'd gone.

Banditqueen12 · 26/08/2023 07:20

DarkAndWild · 25/08/2023 23:46

I’d hate not to be able to relax, even for just 30 mins, after getting in from work so it would drive me mad having people there all the time.

Me too. But it's my house. If my daughter wanted to live by her lights, then she would be welcome to move to her own place. They are talking, not holding wild parties.

stayathomer · 26/08/2023 07:20

But is it not her aunt? She doesn't want her aunt visiting? And they're obviously there as much to see her if they're coming at 3.45

Peony654 · 26/08/2023 07:22

She’s 23, she can move out. It’s your home first.

greenhydrangea · 26/08/2023 07:25

My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

No, she is not. She has cut her work hours because of her health. She has told you she just wants to come home and relax quietly. Your regular visitors, who are retired, could come at any other time, not bang on when she gets home. And certainly not on her days off. It's as if they are doing it deliberately.

Some people need more time to rest and recharge than others, and especially when they have health problems.

ChrisPPancake · 26/08/2023 07:26

I was going to say buy her some ear plugs, it's your home too. But actually I think it depends - do you live with her (her name on the deeds/mortgage/lease) or does she live with you? If the former then I think what she wants takes precedence the majority of the time. So say once a week after work would be ok but other meetings with your sister at that time should be elsewhere (their house/park/coffee shop sort of thing).

Beautiful3 · 26/08/2023 07:26

Could they come earlier in the day? Start inviting them over at lunch time for a sandwich, then they'll be done by the time your daughter's home.

5128gap · 26/08/2023 07:27

Your DD has no entitlement to dictate who visits and when. She has no right to 'get annoyed'.
However if it were my DD I would choose to put her need to rest and have some quiet time ahead of the visitors, explain to them she needs to sleep and ask them to come another time anyway. So the situation wouldn't have arisen. Regardless of who is entitled to what, who pays for what, being considerate of the people you live with is the key to making it work.

FightingFate · 26/08/2023 07:28

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting visitors when you first get in from work, especially when you’re not feeling well.

Are there any times that would suit you for them to visit that wouldn’t impact your daughter so much?

ChrisPPancake · 26/08/2023 07:28

Sayitaintso33 · 26/08/2023 06:25

I hate this idea that just because you have money you can ride roughshod over the other people in your life.

Show quote history

But it's ok for the parent to override the daughter's wish for peace? Or have I misunderstood you?

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/08/2023 07:32

On your daughter's side here.
Tell them to come earlier.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 07:33

stayathomer · 26/08/2023 07:20

But is it not her aunt? She doesn't want her aunt visiting? And they're obviously there as much to see her if they're coming at 3.45

I'd be pissed off if someone was at my house twice a week expecting to see me but I had no say in the matter. I always ask DH if someone is coming, and he does the same.

People are different about this - some like impromptu visits, some don't - but I like to know what's occuring in my own home.

Younger people are generally more boundaried with things like phone calls and house visits I think.

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 07:37

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 07:33

I'd be pissed off if someone was at my house twice a week expecting to see me but I had no say in the matter. I always ask DH if someone is coming, and he does the same.

People are different about this - some like impromptu visits, some don't - but I like to know what's occuring in my own home.

Younger people are generally more boundaried with things like phone calls and house visits I think.

Show quote history

Whilst I sympathise with the dd a lot, I don’t think children have the right to stop parents having guests in their own home.

I lived with my mum well into my 20s and wouldn’t have dreamed of telling my mum when she could have visitors.

Having said that, if OP can agree another time for the visits, perhaps before dd gets home for work, then that would be a good compromise.

AllyCart · 26/08/2023 07:41

I can't believe there are so many posts saying things like "it's stressful having visitors after work" and "she needs to decompress after work".

She's only done 6hrs in the middle of the day, FFS. It's not like she's just finished a hectic 13hr night shift in A&E or something.

It's hardly abnormal for someone to have occasional, presumably quiet, visitors and it shouldn't be so difficult for a young adult to handle.

PickledPurplePickle · 26/08/2023 07:44

I think under the circumstances asking your sister to come earlier would be a nice idea

Also, could you sister get some headphones and chill out listening to music, etc while she chills?

IAmNoLady · 26/08/2023 07:48

Op. I feel that your view is missing from this. How do you feel about your family visiting?

It might be that their company is really beneficial to your wellbeing or it might be that you find it a but frustrating too.

Difficult to have an opinion without knowing where you stand.

avemariiiaa · 26/08/2023 07:48

It's all about give and take if you are sharing a home, and paying to live there.

If it was a lodger or a house share situation then she wouldn't have any reason to complain or expect it to stop. But it is different because you are her mother and should care about how she feels. I would try to break the cycle.

I would be honest and tell your sister that your DD isn't feeling well at the moment and needs some time after work to decompress.

Make it sound like you are wanting to get out of the way and give her some peace, rather than specifically asking them not to visit at that time.

Tell them you will be going out or having a quiet couple of hours when she finishes work to give her some space but they are more than welcome to call round late morning/early afternoon going forward.

It would drive me crackers if every time I got home from work a relative was sat there for two hours, whether I was unwell or not. It's a weird time to visit as a regular thing.
Late afternoon is when a lot of people start thinking about preparing tea, if someone was sat there till half 5 I'd be getting twitchy about when to start cooking etc.