Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter complains about guests

201 replies

user1255467 · 25/08/2023 23:40

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

OP posts:
TaigaSno · 26/08/2023 02:25

I think she is being unreasonable (and antisocial!). This is your sister and BIL, her aunt and uncle, not strangers. It's only a couple of times a week, not every day. And she's not being asked to cook food for them or entertain them, she could sit with you all and chat, or she could go to relax in her bedroom.

vanillaalmondlatte · 26/08/2023 02:36

She is not being unreasonable - this would drive me mad! I’d just ask them to come at a different time if there’s no reason why they can’t.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2023 02:42

Maybe you could change the bedrooms around, OP, otherwise, in a few years time she'll be complaining that you don't have any friends and depend totally on her for company.

Fraaahnces · 26/08/2023 02:44

These maybe?

Daughter complains about guests
Scylax · 26/08/2023 02:49

I wouldn’t be able to handle that as soon as I got in. Once or twice randomly might be overcome but if it keeps happening I think you need to listen to her.

user1492757084 · 26/08/2023 03:44

I expect they also like to see your daughter.
Accept the visit at that time only once per fortnight, that is reasonable..
Just tell them straight that your daughter is very tired after work. It is your sister so you can be frank.
Suggest that you meet at a nearby coffee spot sometimes.
Go out for a walk with your sister as soon as they arrive, as your daughter is weary after work.
You visit them once per week while your daughter is working.

Keep a check on daughter as she is very young to be having to cut her hours due to fatigue.
She needs a medical check up.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 03:47

My child is pretty easy going so if this was the only thing they complained about and it was very regular I would listen and change things

I don't care if they pay the rent/mortgage or bills or whatever it is their home too and as my child is not an entitled brat I have no issue negotiating

Tourmalines · 26/08/2023 04:03

If this was always your home and she never moved out but started paying rent when she became of age , she has no right to object to you having visitors. But only you can know how if effects her health .

Honeychickpea · 26/08/2023 04:06

It sounds like time for your daughter to grow up and move out.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 26/08/2023 04:27

Into a house share...

Good luck with the noise there!

Poppyblush · 26/08/2023 04:37

Your dd sounds entitled and lazy.

SpidersAreShitheads · 26/08/2023 04:40

I find some of the responses on this post surprising.

If the OP's DD was in her own place with a flatmate, she'd have no right to insist that they didn't have visitors over in the afternoon. Early in the morning or very late at night, fair enough, but the afternoon is a perfectly reasonable time to visit and it's only twice a week.

The DD isn't being asked to sit and socialise - OP says the problem is that DD finds the conversation too noisy. Rather than stopping her mother having visitors in the afternoon in her own home, perhaps she needs to try ear plugs, noise cancelling headphones, or even playing music through air pods or similar to drown out the sound of people chatting.

If the OP's DD is so sensitive that she can't manage the sound of three people chatting on the other side of a wall then she needs to figure out how to get her own place - and just hope that she doesn't end up with noisy neighbours!

Having a health condition that means you need to rest doesn't mean you get to impose strict rules on the rest of the house during the daytime.

And bear in mind I am saying all this as an autistic adult who gets very overwhelmed with people and noise. Despite this, I can still recognise when I am being unreasonable and when I need to find my own coping strategies rather than expecting others to conform to my wishes!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/08/2023 04:49

Poppyblush · 26/08/2023 04:37

Your dd sounds entitled and lazy.

Have you actually bothered to read the thread?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/08/2023 04:50

OP, can you afford to live on your own? Could your DD? If not then all the suggestions of kicking her out are rather stupid...

JMSA · 26/08/2023 04:52

She's being completely unreasonable.
And there's a solution on this for her: move out!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2023 04:53

Coyoacan · 26/08/2023 02:42

Maybe you could change the bedrooms around, OP, otherwise, in a few years time she'll be complaining that you don't have any friends and depend totally on her for company.

Now that’s worth exploring. Idk what her illness is but as someone with chronic fatigue, I need silence to recharge so this would really wear me down. I think organising to go out and changing the times would be better. If they are coming at this time wanting to see your dd, perhaps there is a better time (and frequency of visits). which works for her.

PimpMyFridge · 26/08/2023 04:54

It's not hard to be considerate and have them visit another time, so why not just do that.
Her wish not to have to be sociable / retreat to her room often on her return from work is fair enough.

VictoriaVenkman · 26/08/2023 05:03

She is not being unreasonable. A one off here and there is fine but a few times a week, I can understand why she is annoyed.

VashtaNerada · 26/08/2023 05:16

I’m also on DD’s side, there’s something incredibly stressful about coming home from work to guests. Especially if it’s happening frequently. And I’m amused that people think it’s easy for a 23 year old to live independently in this climate! Where I work (education) many 23 year olds live with parents, they simply don’t earn enough to live independently yet. It’s not like it was in the past, it’s now very common.
I think if there’s a way to encourage them to visit during the day you really should, particularly in light of DD’s health issues.

CorylusAgain · 26/08/2023 05:39

A 23 year old who has had to cut her work hours because of health issues, but still pulls her weight at home is hardly the epitome of entitlement that some posters are so determined to label her!
How sad to see the lack of any attempt at understanding from so many.people.
OP, I'd have a word with your dsis and see if a more mutually suitable time could be found.

CJsGoldfish · 26/08/2023 05:49

Meh. It's a couple of times a week and less than 2 hours at a time. How taxing can that be, really, when she has a room to escape to if she wants? And I'm not a huge fan of visitors. Or people. 😂
I wouldn't be dictating who could or couldn't visit, unless it was all the time and, more importantly, hours at a time in a shared living situation
I would expect that it goes both ways though and your dd is also able to have visitors if she wishes to 🤷‍♀️

littleblackcat27 · 26/08/2023 05:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not sure which world you live in - but in lots of people's lives families live together with their adult children.

AutumnCrow · 26/08/2023 06:02

PocketBattleship · 26/08/2023 01:32

The part you seem to be missing is, she doesn't like being essentially confined to her bedroom until the visitors leave. HTH.

I was thinking this. The OP has said her DD's bedroom is off from the lounge.

So unless she's got an en suite, she presumably has to walk through the lounge and past the guests for a shower, and/or to get to the kitchen for something to eat or a drink, and back again - or wait till they've gone. Given that the DD had a need to truncate her hours for health reasons, I can feel sympathy for her, yes, especially as she's paying rent and doing her share.

Seems solvable though by the guests coming and going earlier.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2023 06:11

This must be quite stressful for your DD. Arrange to meet them somewhere for a coffee. They need to come at a different time to visit.

rwalker · 26/08/2023 06:19

She’s being unreasonable it’s a slippery slope give into this and she’ll be dictating what you can and can’t do to please her

afternoon visitors aren’t unreasonable it not as though she works nights

Swipe left for the next trending thread