Daughter complains about guests

[user1255467]

I live in a small flat with my Dd who is 23. She works till 3.30pm and my sister and her husband have started visiting unexpectedly a couple of times a week at around 3.45 pm just as Dd arrives home and staying till around 5.30pm
Dd is complaining to me that she is tired after work and just wants to come home and relax, her bedroom is off from the lounge so she can hear us talking. My sister and her husband are both retired so can visit at any time but always come either when Dd has just finished work or on her days off.
Is dd been unreasonable?

@WhateverMate
It's not like they're blasting dance music and bursting into her bedroom

This made me laugh!
I was imagining OP's tired DD lying on the bed trying to rest when suddenly the door is flung open and the three of them dance their way in doing a conga line, blowing vuvuzelas and throwing streamers everywhere 😊

Well said!

What about you OP, does it suit you for your sister and husband to pop in unexpectedly at this exact time? Is there a reason they choose it?

I think there's space to meet in the middle, though it would be unreasonable for visitors to be banned at this time of day and she does need to expect a certain amount of noise.

@cloudsandream baby boomers has got nothing to do with throwing your dc out, parents are more likely to be Gen X.
I’m a boomer and would side completely with the dd in this case, she’s worked all day and should come home to a bit of peace.

Once in a while? Sure. Once or twice a week, I’d be pissed off too. I hate visitors being there right when I get in from work. You just want to take your bra off and relax 😂

It sounds like you have a flat mate arrangement with her. I dont think she has any right to tell you you can't have visitors at a reasonable time of day a couple of times a week. This is what happens when you share a home.

It doesnt sound as though she feels she has to be sociable, she just needs some earplugs or headphones.

But if its easy to move their visits without causing upset then why not.

Do what my nan does with her retired sister and start a "ladies who do lunch" day, so one of the days your sister can come see you or you to her, and the other day you're out of the house anyway trying different cafes, restaurants, farm shops, tea rooms, potter about the high street and charity shops or garden centres.

That way you can see your sister, you can have visitors in your home, if you can entice them to come earlier great, if not it's a compromise, and you're also giving your daughter a bit of respite when she's communicating a need, which is probably coming from a place where there's a lack of independence and I'm sure she would live independently if she had the health and means to do so.

I'm struggling to understand how difficult it is to cope with visitors when she is in her bedroom. Being able to hear people talk is hardly taxing!! You are the one doing the entertaining, so it's your decision, nothing to do with your DD.

To be fair, I talk for a living, and get talked at for a living. It IS taxing. It's extremely overstimulating and you can't just get used to overstimulation. It leads to burn out.

When you're done at work you want to be able to get a drink and some food and a shower and not be talked at or be forced into conversation you don't want, and you especially don't want to feel like a prisoner in your own bedroom to accommodate other people in your home while you feel this way. It's setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Yes she's being unreasonable as (presumably) it's not her call. If the timings suit you and your sister stick with them.lf you live in a smal flat it's always gonna be difficult sharing space but your sister isn't calling at a ridiculous time and your daughterbisnt requesting space for a specific reason/time.

Do you work @user1255467? Are you governed by work hours when these visits can happen?

The part you seem to be missing is, she doesn't like being essentially confined to her bedroom until the visitors leave. HTH.

I agree. In light of her health and paying her share she deserves that bit if quite time. As you said your sister and bil can come anytime. I'd tell them to please come early as your daughter has trouble resting

But she isn't being "forced into" anything - the OP mentioned her going into her room. If she needs to rest can't she do it there? I've been a receptionist my whole working life, and it wouldn't bother me if I came home to visitors I wasn't actually expected to converse with, and I don't think I've ever been "overstimulated" in my entire life, no matter how busy I was!!! How is she going to cope if she ever shares a house with flatmates/a partner/children? I must say that it is only on MN where I find these people who simply can't cope with normal life.

The whole point of this btw is that it is OP who is doing the entertaining, so she is the one who gets to decide if these visits are okay or not.

But she wants to rest - what better place to do it in?

I can understand her wanting to come home and relax, especially if she has health problems.

Asking them to call round in the morning instead seems an easy solution.

It sounds like your guests are trying to be considerable by arriving after lunch and leaving before dinner so that you don’t have to feed them.

If you enjoy these visits then I’d ask what dd she wants ideally. Does she want the guests to come later? Or come earlier and be gone by 3.30?

Maybe she'd like to rest sitting on a sofa. Which will be in the lounge. Which is currently occupied by visitors she doesn't want to see.

I would compromise. I wouldn’t let DD dictate I live my life. But I don’t think it’s fair for her to put up with noise from guests all the time so I would tell the family visiting they need to come over earlier. If it’s other guests that come occasionally I will say too bad, if you don’t like it live on your own.

There's nothing wrong with being the kind of person who needs to decompress after work. I'd get fed up of multiple surprise visits the second I finished work too!

If you desperately want the surprise visits to continue at this time then you have to decide which you want more. If you're more reasonable and are fine with less frequent visits/visits with notice/earlier visits/later visits I'd go with that kind of compromise.

I guess that given it's 50/50 she pays rent and does things round the house she gets an opinion- if you were working and everyday when you came home she had friends in the living room, stopping you using it and in your bedroom you still hear it- how would you feel? If you're all retired, any reason they can't do a mix of morning and evening visits to break it up for her a bit?

Maybe she wants to relax in the living room and not her bedroom? I don't want to be in my bedroom/lay on my bed if i'm not going to sleep, my bedroom is where i sleep, not where i relax. I much, much prefer chilling on the sofa in the living room, and find sitting on a sofa much comfier than lying on a bed, especially if i'm watching tv or messing on my phone. Op's daughter pays rent and contrbutes around the house, so its more like a flatmate situation than parent living with child, she has rights to quiet enjoyment of her own home too without being banished to her bedroom to be able to relax after work.

It's her home, too. I'd dislike having visitors right when I came home, on a regular basis. If it were only rare, she should accept the situation and make an effort to be social, but as it's multiple times a week, she's within her rights to wish they could schedule more of their visits earlier in the day and give her more space.

I think you should politely encourage them to change their routine. Your daughter's health issues should give you a handy reason that makes it less personal to them.

She's not being unreasonable to want peace and quiet after a day of work, regardless of her hours.

I haven't read all the replies.But I know when I used to get in from.work I just wanted to crash and not entertain. But at the same time it's her aunty so maybe say hello etc then maybe get some earplugs or something? I'm autistic and used to go home and need to decompress for an hour or so