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Original poster

I am SO f**ing sick of the playstation, their phones, the Ipad...I want to smash them to bits.

199 replies

Findmeahammer · 25/08/2023 19:40

Two DC, 12.5 and 14. Boys.

I'm sick of the endless need for gaming
I'm sick of the conversation always reverting back to gaming
I'm sick of being told they need more time, even after they've filled their boots
I'm sick of them coming off the gaming, to then shuffle towards their phones
I'm sick of asking them to come off and them asking for more - more screen, more Tik Tok, more stupid fucking
I'm sick of having to enforce a time or else it could quite possible be 24/7
I'm sick of being on holiday, in a great and exciting place, and them still thinking about being plugged in
I'm sick of constantly thinking of things for them do to ensure they have balance - daily, great activities with friends etc
I'm sick of getting up really early and late in the holidays, and have to squeeze work in at the beginning and end of day, to be available to ensure they have this balance
I'm sick of worrying about what their minds are becoming and what they're going to lose out on
I'm just sick of the whole fucking thing. Honestly. DS2 in particular, is so bright and curious and articulate. And yet he doesn't even want to read anymore.

And honestly, I'm not a dramatic person. I get screens are part of their life. But I'm so, so tired of it. I genuinely am. What kind of a life is this?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 26/08/2023 09:34

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 26/08/2023 09:08

Okay I'll try and make suggestions on how to get dc to self regulate. Because I too am out the other side, but don't want come across as stealth boasting. DS has ADHD and has an obsessive addictive personality.

So these are things we did.

DC had access to screens and an old games console from mid primary school age. It was restricted times and had lots of other activities going on, when not on them.

by year 6, the restrictions were less but still had them. We talked extensively about game and screen addiction. To DS1 we spoke about how he does have an addictive personality, So it was very important that he learnt to recognise his own changes in its behaviour.

Any change in behaviour like, aggressive shouting and banging, not wanting to come off, would result in losing screens that day. (was always absolute Hell to enforce)

year 7 they got phones but had strict rules on them, plus they knew they had to hand them over at any moment for us to go through, we had to know all passwords.
(I still believe phones are the biggest concern for DC growing up)

gradually up until 16 they were given more time on games, but if they seemed to become obssesed with them, or their behaviour changed or their homework slipped, ect they were told to sort out the behaviour or they'd lose it all for a whole week.

We had to enforce this a few times, We told them it was to detox, and it was really really unpleasant for the first 3 days, they could be angry, whiney, agitated, and nagging. but we stood fast and just pointed out this behaviour was exactly the addition behaviour we were trying to avoid.

After day 3 things would settled down, and they would find other things to do and interact with us more too.(they actually felt the difference in themselves and addmitted they felt calmer) When they got screens back it was on a trial period of a week, any tiny thing like not coming off when asked would lose all their screens again for that day.

by 16 we left them to self regulate, if they played games into the night on a school night they was up to them, but they knew if they didn't get themselves up on time and into school, their behaviour slipped, there school work wasn't done, then we would impose detox again! but it didn't really happen after 16, because they had learnt to self regulate, they'd learnt they needed to go outside, to have breaks, to go to and do other things. We only had to point out they seemed to be slipping...

sorry it was a long one, but pp had been asking how to get them to self regulate.

It's such a shame when someone has good advice to give, they're worried about how it might be perceived as a boasting post. It's not, thank you for sharing!! 😀

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2023 09:37

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 26/08/2023 09:08

Okay I'll try and make suggestions on how to get dc to self regulate. Because I too am out the other side, but don't want come across as stealth boasting. DS has ADHD and has an obsessive addictive personality.

So these are things we did.

DC had access to screens and an old games console from mid primary school age. It was restricted times and had lots of other activities going on, when not on them.

by year 6, the restrictions were less but still had them. We talked extensively about game and screen addiction. To DS1 we spoke about how he does have an addictive personality, So it was very important that he learnt to recognise his own changes in its behaviour.

Any change in behaviour like, aggressive shouting and banging, not wanting to come off, would result in losing screens that day. (was always absolute Hell to enforce)

year 7 they got phones but had strict rules on them, plus they knew they had to hand them over at any moment for us to go through, we had to know all passwords.
(I still believe phones are the biggest concern for DC growing up)

gradually up until 16 they were given more time on games, but if they seemed to become obssesed with them, or their behaviour changed or their homework slipped, ect they were told to sort out the behaviour or they'd lose it all for a whole week.

We had to enforce this a few times, We told them it was to detox, and it was really really unpleasant for the first 3 days, they could be angry, whiney, agitated, and nagging. but we stood fast and just pointed out this behaviour was exactly the addition behaviour we were trying to avoid.

After day 3 things would settled down, and they would find other things to do and interact with us more too.(they actually felt the difference in themselves and addmitted they felt calmer) When they got screens back it was on a trial period of a week, any tiny thing like not coming off when asked would lose all their screens again for that day.

by 16 we left them to self regulate, if they played games into the night on a school night they was up to them, but they knew if they didn't get themselves up on time and into school, their behaviour slipped, there school work wasn't done, then we would impose detox again! but it didn't really happen after 16, because they had learnt to self regulate, they'd learnt they needed to go outside, to have breaks, to go to and do other things. We only had to point out they seemed to be slipping...

sorry it was a long one, but pp had been asking how to get them to self regulate.

These are the things that I and I suspect OP and many others are doing now - as you say it's "hellish" at times hence the issues

I'm going to have a no consoles Monday - Thursday on school nights next term die to issues last Yr and see how that goes

Gettingbysomehow · 26/08/2023 09:47

I felt exactly the same when my son was at home. I wanted to take him to a log cabin in the wilds or a nice commune and grow up with nature playing like normal children. I didn't because I had to work. I hate how life is now.
When I went to see my grandparents when I was a kid I played out all day and with the local children and ther3e was none of this hiding away with electronics.
I just feel so sad for children now.

blackheartsgirl · 26/08/2023 09:57

I used to have a gaming obsessed ds, CoD, Minecraft etc etc, he had Xbox and a gaming pc, it was a real battle at times when he was a teen. Up all night and never read.
hes 23 now and is very much different, he’s never been a reader anyway but he has a young family, has a career, loves his campervan, and going places and only games on his Xbox when his dc are in bed.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/08/2023 10:25

I had to get strict with my dcs due to them getting easily addicted to gaming.
I have a no Xbox on a school night rule. This is because they were rushing through their homework and doing it poorly, annoyed if I asked them to do any chores because they desperate to get into the Xbox. When I restricted it, they were lock watching and couldn't focus on anything.

Things changed when I said zero time on the Xbox on school night and only after 3 on weekends/holidays. They had to get homework and chores done and get outside for a bit.
We had many conversations about screen addiction, getting the most out of life, being active, helping out and so on.

Now they're older teens, they still stick to those rules willingly as they've realised that life is better when other things are prioritised and then the gaming is for free time. They still spend most of their time at home on phones though but I guess I do too Blush

ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/08/2023 10:27

Many errors in my post. Lock watching is clock watching.

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2023 10:55

Interesting - we are doing the bo school night as DS started lying and saying activities at school had been cancelled etc etc to race home to get on the console - also very rude about doing homework. Going to try this Monday to Thursday and see how it goes.

Found the 3pm rule has also worked quite well when we've tried it in the last (during lockdown)

plehpleh · 26/08/2023 11:09

Change the WiFi password.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2023 11:53

I hear you OP - in fact your post sounded so like me, I wondered it I'd typed unconsciously.

I've 3 DC, but it's my 2 DSs that I have the issue with (almost the same age as yours!)

They do loads of sports, at quite a high level, so thankfully that results in many hours out of the house being active.

It still leaves many more zoned out on screens or being aggressive on xBox - I hate the xBox, and endless conversations about time limits, restrictions, behaviour etc. it's just exhausting.

I don't think, unfortunately, that there's an easy option. It's not just turning off the wifi, because it's the impulse behind it. I'm happy for them to have some downtime ob screens but it's the incessant nature of it & the brain frying element that I hate.

My sons get on great- except around xBox. They get aggressive & sweaty & I hate it.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2023 11:55

I have a no Xbox on a school night rule.

I'm going back to this this year - tricky to enforce as I'm often at work when they're at home.

And they play lots of sport so in theory I don't mind them chilling with some game time after training or a match. But it's a nightmare to manage & they go back on screens near bedtime when I'm going for a shower etc, it's totally frustrating.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2023 11:57

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 26/08/2023 09:08

Okay I'll try and make suggestions on how to get dc to self regulate. Because I too am out the other side, but don't want come across as stealth boasting. DS has ADHD and has an obsessive addictive personality.

So these are things we did.

DC had access to screens and an old games console from mid primary school age. It was restricted times and had lots of other activities going on, when not on them.

by year 6, the restrictions were less but still had them. We talked extensively about game and screen addiction. To DS1 we spoke about how he does have an addictive personality, So it was very important that he learnt to recognise his own changes in its behaviour.

Any change in behaviour like, aggressive shouting and banging, not wanting to come off, would result in losing screens that day. (was always absolute Hell to enforce)

year 7 they got phones but had strict rules on them, plus they knew they had to hand them over at any moment for us to go through, we had to know all passwords.
(I still believe phones are the biggest concern for DC growing up)

gradually up until 16 they were given more time on games, but if they seemed to become obssesed with them, or their behaviour changed or their homework slipped, ect they were told to sort out the behaviour or they'd lose it all for a whole week.

We had to enforce this a few times, We told them it was to detox, and it was really really unpleasant for the first 3 days, they could be angry, whiney, agitated, and nagging. but we stood fast and just pointed out this behaviour was exactly the addition behaviour we were trying to avoid.

After day 3 things would settled down, and they would find other things to do and interact with us more too.(they actually felt the difference in themselves and addmitted they felt calmer) When they got screens back it was on a trial period of a week, any tiny thing like not coming off when asked would lose all their screens again for that day.

by 16 we left them to self regulate, if they played games into the night on a school night they was up to them, but they knew if they didn't get themselves up on time and into school, their behaviour slipped, there school work wasn't done, then we would impose detox again! but it didn't really happen after 16, because they had learnt to self regulate, they'd learnt they needed to go outside, to have breaks, to go to and do other things. We only had to point out they seemed to be slipping...

sorry it was a long one, but pp had been asking how to get them to self regulate.

Thanks for this, interesting to read.

I think that the key takeaway is that it's hard when we limit / remove the screens. That just gets so draining but maybe I just have to accept it!

TheaBrandt · 26/08/2023 12:00

Think this is one of if not the hardest parenting issue.

OoopsOhNo · 26/08/2023 12:01

I'm having such problems with my younger child, he's not even a teen yet! I've just started doing more things with him which couldn't possibly involve a screen, like swimming and trampolining!

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 26/08/2023 12:22

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2023 11:57

Thanks for this, interesting to read.

I think that the key takeaway is that it's hard when we limit / remove the screens. That just gets so draining but maybe I just have to accept it!

Show quote history

Just like to add, at post 16 if I had told MNers how much unrestricted time they spent on computers and games, you'd all have been horrified.

But the ground work that was put in before 16, meant I was happy to let it go because they made sure they ticked all the boxes. Without us asking/nagging/prompting.

Good school work.

no aggression/ shouting.
coming off their games when ask (giving them time to wrap up whatever they were doing)

Happy to join us as a family on days
out/evenings whatever, when asked

spending time doing stuff outside. (we didn't care what, hobbies, a bike ride)

arranging to actually go out with friends.

So yeah they spent a lot time on screens, but have gone on to have sociable Happy lives. Ones graduated and got his dream job. Has his own place, takes himself off to theatres, museums with or without friends, and loves visiting other cities. (plus normal going out with friends)

The other is doing well at uni, again is sociable, and out and about with friends.

gaming is still in their lives as well.

Original poster
Findmeahammer · 26/08/2023 17:15

Sorry for the delay in responding, I've not been at my computer.

Lots of really interesting responses - thanks. I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling. @CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea - thanks so much for some great tips.

I might try the no-gaming Mon-Wed. I'd love it but I suspect this will go down really badly. We are already considered very strict - which I refuse to believe, given how many hours they are on one screen or another. But of course, everyone else gets more.

For those of you whose kids use screen educationally, or without minding how much or how frequently - this is great, but this isn't the issue I'm raising. I'm talking about dopamine fixes; the sort of screen time that encompasses gaming, or constant scrolling and those fucking shite 3 min videos. It's where the addiction lies.

I'm not trying to remove it from their lives - that would be impossible - I just want to do my best to ensure they have full lives and that their minds aren't only preoccupied with the next fix.

Not sure if I'll achieve this, and ultimately, as I do lose control, I won't be able to do anything about it. I just have to hope that by pushing through with other activities, I've opened their neural pathways and they'll look up and actively want the world beyond the screen!

OP posts:
Dominicains · 26/08/2023 17:40

This was me yesterday- I finally took the phone off DS (13) and endured a tantrum the likes of which he never did as a toddler, plus some pushing and shoving - luckily I am restraint trained for work so knew how to block/steer him off but he was in a real rage at the phone being taken.

Today we have come to see my parents for the bank holiday weekend where there is only a TV and left his Xbox at home. He’s finally over his moaning and has been out for a swim and a game of golf with his cousins but the drive down was hideous. He took my phone off me and claimed to be punishing me until I pointed out we couldn’t get food without it. He’s not going to get his phone back until he goes back to school. It’s definitely giving him some sort of chemical feedback, he even has TikTok on when he is gaming. The gaming I don’t mind so much as it’s how he stays in touch with his friends (we live a long way from most of them as we moved last year) and a way for him to socialise with the kids he has met at school since we moved - new school has kids from all over our city, so not like our old one where everyone lived within walking distance. Plus I can control the WiFi access; his dad pays for his phone so I can’t control that as he has unlimited data….

He really is addicted to it and like a PP said, most conversations he initiates are about something he has seen online. On holiday, I was so fed up of hearing sentences that start with “this guy on TikTok…” that I told him outright he was a boring companion. I have had to point out that I don’t read him things from my books or tell him what I’m looking at on my phone, unless I genuinely think it will interest him. He has gone from being a reader to never opening a book and his conversational skills have definitely diminished in terms of turn taking, listening, following along, making appropriate comments and staying on subject - I noticed he has started changing the subject frequently when other people are speaking and have had to have several words with him about it. It’s definitely something to do with concentration span.

I’m going to buy him a top up only SIM so I can have more control over that. It’s impossible to get him to regulate - the only times he’s not looking at it are when he is doing one of his sports or at cadets. I doubt his dad will send him a replacement, just hope not, anyway…!

suitcasecoveredincathair · 26/08/2023 17:55

@Findmeahammer I’ve not forgotten to DM you, am just a bit caught up in life and (whisper it) DIY today so haven’t made time. I will do though.

I just wanted to say that I’d also liked the idea of 2 or maybe 3 game-free days, but I was thinking Weds/Thurs. DS has enough stress on Sunday nights as it is.

DS plays on his phone on the way to school and the way home, and during break times with his mates, so it’s not like he’ll be missing out.

Back to DIY, give me strength.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/08/2023 17:56

@Dominicains that's amazing. Well done.
You'll notice such a change in him and he'll be happier too.
The issues arise when he gets his phone back then it's so easy to slip back into those old ways [Bitter experience]

To all those thinking about it with young teens or younger - it's better to do it now while you have some control than when they're doing GCSEs and it becomes almost impossible.

belge2 · 26/08/2023 18:05

I hear you and I think early teens is the worst age for gaming. My 2 boys used to game a bit but now are older and hardly ever use the playstation now. They also know what a total waste of time social media is and do kind of self limit their time. DD17 is another story when it comes to phone. Not sure what the answer is.

Alargeoneplease89 · 26/08/2023 18:10

What did you do when you were a teen? I listened to music, got legless in the park with friends, watch endless crap on TV- seriously I'm glad my kids are gaming rather then what I done.

They will throw on YouTube in the background with something educational and DS14 volunteers on a Saturday so feels like the gormless gaming actually levels out.

Original poster
Findmeahammer · 26/08/2023 18:16

Dominicains · 26/08/2023 17:40

This was me yesterday- I finally took the phone off DS (13) and endured a tantrum the likes of which he never did as a toddler, plus some pushing and shoving - luckily I am restraint trained for work so knew how to block/steer him off but he was in a real rage at the phone being taken.

Today we have come to see my parents for the bank holiday weekend where there is only a TV and left his Xbox at home. He’s finally over his moaning and has been out for a swim and a game of golf with his cousins but the drive down was hideous. He took my phone off me and claimed to be punishing me until I pointed out we couldn’t get food without it. He’s not going to get his phone back until he goes back to school. It’s definitely giving him some sort of chemical feedback, he even has TikTok on when he is gaming. The gaming I don’t mind so much as it’s how he stays in touch with his friends (we live a long way from most of them as we moved last year) and a way for him to socialise with the kids he has met at school since we moved - new school has kids from all over our city, so not like our old one where everyone lived within walking distance. Plus I can control the WiFi access; his dad pays for his phone so I can’t control that as he has unlimited data….

He really is addicted to it and like a PP said, most conversations he initiates are about something he has seen online. On holiday, I was so fed up of hearing sentences that start with “this guy on TikTok…” that I told him outright he was a boring companion. I have had to point out that I don’t read him things from my books or tell him what I’m looking at on my phone, unless I genuinely think it will interest him. He has gone from being a reader to never opening a book and his conversational skills have definitely diminished in terms of turn taking, listening, following along, making appropriate comments and staying on subject - I noticed he has started changing the subject frequently when other people are speaking and have had to have several words with him about it. It’s definitely something to do with concentration span.

I’m going to buy him a top up only SIM so I can have more control over that. It’s impossible to get him to regulate - the only times he’s not looking at it are when he is doing one of his sports or at cadets. I doubt his dad will send him a replacement, just hope not, anyway…!

Well done! I'm sorry you had to do it but well done.

Does he have an iPhone? Do you? You know that you can set up a family account and control his phone from yours? And with an Android phone, you can do this via Google or other apps.

DC's phones are both controlled by us. We set the downtime and the app limits/screen time. On two occasions, I've 'flicked the switch' and they can't do anything. One week I stopped them having more than 10 mins a day access to You Tube as it was seriously doing my head in. Actually, DP hates it more than I do, as he thinks the YouTube and Tik Tok stuff is really creating issues for attention span.

But i hear you about the quoting of stuff from YouTube etc, and the lack of reading. It's really sad.

OP posts:
thatisnotthefulltruth · 27/08/2023 12:53

I sympathise, OP, I see this with my nephews and (to a lesser extent) nieces a lot. The constant moaning, 'negotiating' access, etc. Already bracing myself for the future with our (still too young) DC.

For the 'they go online when they should be doing schoolwork' issue: I use the 'SelfControl' App on my computer, which is an app where you can blacklist websites that are particularly tempting to you. (You can take websites on and off the list yourself.)

You set it up yourself for a certain time period (need the administrator's password), and then you receive a 'can't access site' every time you try to visit a blocked site anyway. You can visit any other site, so can still do your (school or professional) work. You can set it to block those sites from around 15 minutes, up to many hours. I have found it very helpful during work deadlines, revisions, etc.

Perhaps helpful for those parents whose kids keep on getting distracted during school work on the computer? I have been using it for years now.

Dominicains · 31/08/2023 20:29

little update for you, OP. We are almost a week now without phone and DS’ mood has been noticeably different.

He has been much more willing to turn off the Xbox (possibly because he knows I will just switch off the WiFi) and generally willing to help with things round the house / wanted to spend time with friends and cousins rather than online and went back to football training after the summer break.

However, he had a really late night last night (refused to go to sleep until I did, this has been a pattern throughout his life) and I was determined to finish watching First Dates rather than be forced to bed by a controlling child. So it was close to midnight by the time he had finally dropped off and we were up earlyish for barber shop visit. He was unbelievably rude to me from the moment he woke up as we were in a mild rush, so he’s now had Xbox removed until Monday after school.

I think it’s important for me to keep the consistency up and stay in charge of the screen time as it did make a big difference to his behaviour and mood this week, not having the incessant scrolling of TikTok and YouTube. Also, this is his first year of GCSEs as they start the courses in year 9 at his school, so I’ll need to stay on top of his homework and revision - lots of his teachers commented on his having not revised for summer exams being evident in some of his less favoured subjects (sadly maths and science, so he’s not been able to drop them!).

Hope things have been better for you and your two this week!

IhaveanewTVnow · 31/08/2023 20:40

Just think how hard it will be for the generation of parents that currently have toddlers! Already these toddlers sit in restaurants watching Peppa Pig or playing on mums phone.

I’ve read that the hand / eye coordination of these gaming kids is 100% and that they sail through the RAF tests.

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