I am SO f**ing sick of the playstation, their phones, the Ipad...I want to smash them to bits.

[Findmeahammer]

Two DC, 12.5 and 14. Boys.

I'm sick of the endless need for gaming
I'm sick of the conversation always reverting back to gaming
I'm sick of being told they need more time, even after they've filled their boots
I'm sick of them coming off the gaming, to then shuffle towards their phones
I'm sick of asking them to come off and them asking for more - more screen, more Tik Tok, more stupid fucking
I'm sick of having to enforce a time or else it could quite possible be 24/7
I'm sick of being on holiday, in a great and exciting place, and them still thinking about being plugged in
I'm sick of constantly thinking of things for them do to ensure they have balance - daily, great activities with friends etc
I'm sick of getting up really early and late in the holidays, and have to squeeze work in at the beginning and end of day, to be available to ensure they have this balance
I'm sick of worrying about what their minds are becoming and what they're going to lose out on
I'm just sick of the whole fucking thing. Honestly. DS2 in particular, is so bright and curious and articulate. And yet he doesn't even want to read anymore.

And honestly, I'm not a dramatic person. I get screens are part of their life. But I'm so, so tired of it. I genuinely am. What kind of a life is this?

OP, I’ve read the first 4 pages of comments because like for many others this post really stung as it’s a genuine concern for me too, and is exactly how I feel: two boys aged 11 & 12, who game on the PS (but also play ipad, one has a laptop) but luckily, currently still are young enough to be forced outside daily, have hobbies, don’t have phones.

I am convinced the way the internet and gaming is used now (not 20 years ago, just in last 5 ish years) is going to rot childrens brains/ ruin social skills/ explode MH issues …. And I’m a totally reasonable person. Not catastrophising at all.

what do we do? Any ideas? We have no PS Mon- Weds, all tech off at 7pm, nothing before 8.30am, holidays have been mainly outside/ days out/ playing with friends… it’s been a low tech month. BUT it’s still all they talk about, TV replaces tech when on holiday, and sept will start another battle about having “just one more level” for the next year….. I would smash it all up in an instant. Worse thing we ever bought and we were late to the party…. Had no tech until age 8… such grumpy and angry kids when coming off it. So so sad

Jesus, what is wrong with you?

😂😂😂 sure.

Are you for real?

The ‘pissy’ posters are the addicted gamers who feel so threatened by these sorts of threads. And online forums seem to be full of them…

@Theborder

Also it’s not my job to think of things for my teenage sons to do. Totally their responsibility. Jesus Christ do you wipe their arse for them as well?

I could only get worked up if they were so obsessed their studies took a back seat or they were socially inept, and my sons are neither. despite their many of hours of gaming.
THIS

My ds is 28
Passed all his GCSE's
College diploma
Uni degree
Job
Girlfriend
Loads of friends
Very social
I guess I've come out the other side.
He still games but from 17 onwards it was carte Blanche with gaming
You can not fight this - and you need it.
Don't let your kids get left behind.
My son is kind and hard working
The values I taught him - gaming was irrelevant
As a small boy his bed bonding time with his Dad was when they played racing games together
And now keeps in contact with his brother with online gaming, despite them living far apart.

The problem with these posts from the future ‘’my son turned out amazingly’ is that you are sitting in the comfy chair of hindsight.

The OP, like many here, is steeped in the reality for a young tween who is unable to regulate himself. Of course they are fearful!

@Somanycats

Leave them alone. This is not your life to lead. Game with them if they'll have you. Get good. The funniest evenings we ever had were when I co-opted myself into ds and his mates online gaming teams. Oh the language I heard! How hard they had to fight to win with me on their side.
And now age 28, they are home owners, gym owners, police officers, army officers, fashion designers and one I swear is a spy. Wives and girlfriends galore, degrees and masters in abundance. Don't fall out with your precious offspring over gaming. It really makes no difference to the quality of their lives it just makes you seem pissy.

THIS
excellent post.
My ds would watch a ton of educational stuff - the life cycle of some tropical insect or the fall of some long forgotten civilisation.
He'd just pick random things and watch them, whilst all the time learning.

I am absolutely fed up of having to police screen time. I make my kids hand everything over to me daily and try and do a two hour limit in the holidays. I take them out a lot but I have the luxury of not working: I have no idea how working parents monitor this be behaviour at all, it’s an uphill struggle.

I with the fucking things hadn’t been invented and sometimes feel like I’m dealing with sneaky drug addicts.

My boys socialise via their gaming/devices, when I'm pottering about the house on my day off I often here them chatting away while playing some team game...

We are skint, they have had one day out this summer, so it's been a lifesaver!

All gamers here though ( me included) so I guess I don't stress as much as others

@Lightningspeed

HauntedPencil
When they are older they can do what they like. You could say this about anything. As parents we set rules about pretty much everything hoping to set good habits, you don't let kids gorge on sweets all day or not go to bed or miss school. It's just the hope that when they are older it's helping to have healthy habits. I know gaming is enjoyable and I've no issue with it per se, however I feel it's my responsibility to ensure that they are not on screens/gaming 24/7.

You can set rules all you like but children have an inherent personality. If you think you change that, good luck to you. My eldest is very kind but a bit nihilistic, second is very enthusiastic but quite reactive, third is pretty calm, excellent sense of humour.

GREAT POST

Couldn't agree more.

I have 4 adult children.
All different
All doing well.

If you end up with your 40 year old virgin son living in your basement, that would have happened with, or without gaming.
All you can do is teach them the basics and hope for the best.
(Cleaning your teeth and washing behind your ears is a given )

I feel for you OP. Modern tech seems so addictive. It’s fair to say the laissez-faire gaming & tech parents are pretty evident on here 😂

I’m assuming removing the tech for a few hours results in tantrums and meltdowns?

People have talked a lot about their DSs. It seems to be less of a problem for DDs. I don’t think its innate (could be wrong, but not seen any evidence) and I wonder whether is because we tend to expect more of our DDs in terms of chores, self care, housework etc?

One way I keep my tween dd off screens in the holidays is that she has to cook dinner once a week (including looking up recipes, buying the ingredients), put on and dry and fold and put away a wash most days, empty the dishwasher etc. Plus organising some activities for her, supporting her to organise meet ups with friends (she’s just learning how to do this, what to suggest doing) and having strict screen time controls on all her devices.

I do think filling their time with other stuff is easier than arguing with them about screen time, but it is hard in the holidays if you’re working and have to leave them by themselves.

If DC was doing v well at school, was polite, had physical hobbies , so kept fit, lots of jokey friends online, didn’t have tantrums , did their share round the house then people wouldn’t be posting with concerns.
I think we can assume this is not the case.

@Shakespeareshead

The problem with these posts from the future ‘’my son turned out amazingly’ is that you are sitting in the comfy chair of hindsight.

The OP, like many here, is steeped in the reality for a young tween who is unable to regulate himself. Of course they are fearful!

^^^^^

But isn't that the whole point of Mumsnet.

Op asks a question.

And people who have lived through it (with hindsight) can reassure them that it will (or won't ) turn out ok.

Yes this particular situation had arisen in my life - 4 kids.

I wouldn't presume to give advise about , say a person who child has ADHD because I never had a child with ADHD.

BUT I have had 2 (out of 4) kids who were gamers - and still are.

But as adults have learnt to self regulate.

You're being extremely unreasonable. They're kids. It's what they do now. If you continue to have this attitude and restrict it (it's the summer holidays!!) they're going to resent you. Kids are allowed passions and hobbies and you don't have to like them.

Dear Op mine are older now aged 23 and 25 both boys also so understand fully your frustration.Mine at least did not have the online thing going on when they were very young and no Fornite so I was spared some misery.
I often used to unplug all their stuff put it in the boot of my car and drive off with it when they were younger .Turning off the WiFi didn't bring anything as they logged into our next door neighbours who had a very strong signal .They had their password from the son of the family and no amount of begging from me to change the password was listened to.
Anyway, I was kind of lucky in that my youngest is a very restless type and always need to go out every day so that broke up a lot of screen time.
You just cannot give up .Continue on finding ways to get them out from under it all and out and about.Be a nag .Many kids that I know who were left to their own devices still spend all their spare time online even now as young adults .No hobbies . no friends.No personality . Some even without any job or training. It is so sad.

@Merseymum992

You're being extremely unreasonable. They're kids. It's what they do now. If you continue to have this attitude and restrict it (it's the summer holidays!!) they're going to resent you. Kids are allowed passions and hobbies and you don't have to like them.

THIS

My dad was very controlling back, back in the day.
I can assure you this is very true.
And yer this is from a position of hindsight.

Some interesting posts on here.

I'm sure people are trying to be reassuring, but it seems a bit daft to go 'well my son turned out great' when it's well documented that apps are designed to be addictive and are shortening children's attention spans, some kids struggle with self regulation and screen addiction, there are adults who struggle to launch into real life because they are so wrapped up in screens they do not uphold responsibilities.
Some kids do fine.
Some kids don't.
Just like some kids can eat loads of sweets and be fine, some kids go off the rails.
Screen time is not right for EVERY child, and teaching them to self regulate isn't enough for some kids, they need limits put on by an adult. And you could spend years trying to get a child who shows awful behaviours around screen time to 'self regulate' but surely the fact they struggle to self regulate is a sign that the screen time should be restricted tighter....

Screens can be a great learning/relaxation tool, but you don't HAVE to have then in the house other than for absolutely necessary things, if that's what you think is best for your child.

My 8yo DD is desparate for her own iPad and I've been holding off for as long as possible.

She has access to TV, PlayStation (select games for kids) and she can go.on my laptop if I'm with her so she does have screen time.

Many of my friends with kids the same age seem to have unmonitored access to anything and everything. The parents say thry have restrictions and what the kids are looking at is educational. Sped any amount of time with them and it's normally mindless you tube videos - some with inappropriate content.

I sat and watched what friends 9yo watches when staying over with them last weekend. It was just flashing images spliced together with Internet memes added in and sound effect. None of it made any sense. Words were flashing up - the worn p**n (written like that) flashed up several times. So quick, you barely register it. It's scary what absolute brain rotting stuff is out there. Similar story with what another 7yo friends child is watching and the parents proudly say they can only access certain apps.

I'ts made me even less keen to give into the ipad request!

Those who talk of own experience/ grown up children, I think it's a whole different ball game in the last 5 years. Phone are addictive devices at any age - adults included.

We had access to consoles ( mega drive/ PlayStation/ pcs) in the 90s and played them loads. I was often on the phone to friends for hours after school. I had one summer playing far too much final fantasy

The difference was we still used to go out and meet up. I had a Saturday job. There wasnt a phone in your back pocket pinging away for your attention

It's not just kids who are addicted to screens though. You can go to any play area, soft play, bar or restaurant, train station, beach, anywhere and people are just sat mindlessly scrolling on their phones constantly. I admit I do it all the time and I hate it!

I have a younger child who loves watching YouTube, I have no game consoles or tablets so that's not an issue at the moment but he constantly asks for the TV on and then doesn't want it to ever be turned off and it's so draining.

Not much help atm, but they do grow out of it! My son was the same aged 18. He is now a responsible dad of two adorable children, is bright, articulate, has his own modest house and holds down a responsible job. He is now 33. The x box used to drive me crazy too and I constantly nagged him to stop playing with it, which just made him angry.

I think the point that the op and others in the same situation are making is that yes, they can impose screen limits etc. maybe even without too much grief but the issue is that their kids actually WANT to spend all day every day in front of a screen.
It must be desparately sad for those parents who's children used to have loads of real world interests

I very much see both sides of this. My older two are 18 and nearly 16. We were pretty restrictive/conservative around screens (compared to their peers) when they weren't teens yet - phones at 11/12, limited time, no tech in rooms (with the exception of homeschooling tech for dc2 during Covid). When dc1 was 14 he built himself a computer and had it in his room, and dc2 had a PS in his room from 13.5. From then on they had very few limits, beyond meeting basic expectations (sensible bedtimes, coming to family meals, doing acceptably at school, interacting properly with us and their little sister) and age-appropriate content (some games remain banned). I'll admit they do spend a lot of time on them. It's their default leisure activity at home, and they play online with friends too. But we've seen very little bad behaviour/aggression/lack of self-regulation (when things matter) around screens. They do well to very well at school (dc2 could do better but his grades have improved over the 'screen' years and I don't believe his 'minimal effort to get okay grades' attitude would be much different without screens). Dc1 is a volunteer firefighter, dc2 cycles, goes to the gym, cooks lots (and very well), plays in the school band and has a weekly church youth group he attends religiously (!). I don't in all honesty know whether this is a luck/personality thing or whether our keeping them away from screens as far as possible while still quite young and then allowing them to self-regulate within reason has had an influence. I do know that the regime would have changed if we'd started seeing the kind of behaviour some of you are reporting.

Tbh they are still on the things too much for my liking, but as long as they seem to be negotiating things in a way that's not to their or the family's detriment, I'm happy to back off.

Okay I'll try and make suggestions on how to get dc to self regulate. Because I too am out the other side, but don't want come across as stealth boasting. DS has ADHD and has an obsessive addictive personality.

So these are things we did.

DC had access to screens and an old games console from mid primary school age. It was restricted times and had lots of other activities going on, when not on them.

by year 6, the restrictions were less but still had them. We talked extensively about game and screen addiction. To DS1 we spoke about how he does have an addictive personality, So it was very important that he learnt to recognise his own changes in its behaviour.

Any change in behaviour like, aggressive shouting and banging, not wanting to come off, would result in losing screens that day. (was always absolute Hell to enforce)

year 7 they got phones but had strict rules on them, plus they knew they had to hand them over at any moment for us to go through, we had to know all passwords.
(I still believe phones are the biggest concern for DC growing up)

gradually up until 16 they were given more time on games, but if they seemed to become obssesed with them, or their behaviour changed or their homework slipped, ect they were told to sort out the behaviour or they'd lose it all for a whole week.

We had to enforce this a few times, We told them it was to detox, and it was really really unpleasant for the first 3 days, they could be angry, whiney, agitated, and nagging. but we stood fast and just pointed out this behaviour was exactly the addition behaviour we were trying to avoid.

After day 3 things would settled down, and they would find other things to do and interact with us more too.(they actually felt the difference in themselves and addmitted they felt calmer) When they got screens back it was on a trial period of a week, any tiny thing like not coming off when asked would lose all their screens again for that day.

by 16 we left them to self regulate, if they played games into the night on a school night they was up to them, but they knew if they didn't get themselves up on time and into school, their behaviour slipped, there school work wasn't done, then we would impose detox again! but it didn't really happen after 16, because they had learnt to self regulate, they'd learnt they needed to go outside, to have breaks, to go to and do other things. We only had to point out they seemed to be slipping...

sorry it was a long one, but pp had been asking how to get them to self regulate.