DH made comment about women driving. Has incensed me.

[Smsquared]

Just had lovely morning with DH and kids. Sat having a coffee and watching the local fruit vendors packing up. Few comments between us on what hard graft it looks like. Three adults (two men, one woman) packing things up into 2 vans. When they finish packing up the woman jumps into one and drives off and DH says ‘wow, the woman is driving one of the vans. This girl can’.
As we drive home he asks me what’s wrong and I tell him how that comment just stinks of the patriarchy and why is it even notable that a woman is driving a van in 2023. He says it’s just an observation as you don’t really see that. I feel adamant that it shouldn’t even be commented on as why wouldn’t / shouldn’t the woman be driving the van and doing just as many things as the two men and saying it in a sarky way implies that the woman shouldn’t be. He feels I’ve escalated this and it’s nothing to do with the patriarchy or women not having as many rights in the past. He’s a brilliant husband and father and respects me 100% but just venting here as I want to find a way to make him realise how ingrained his views are and how much they need to change. We have two boys who I intend to raise as feminist allies.

Many PP have said anyone using the term is cringe
Strangely it's not all about you

Maybe OP has seen one too many TikTok's about the patriarchy 😁

I would just laugh at him everytime he says something like that.

I might internally roll my eyes at the comment, but I’d then just forget about it pretty much instantaneously.

It’s a bit of nothing. Move on.

Most massive horse lorries are driven by females, usually 18-25 year olds too.

It’s rarer to see a woman driving a HGV or similar, same as it’s rarer to see a female plumber. Doesn’t mean they’re any less capable.

My 21 year old niece drove a massive tractor towing a carnival float through the streets of our town yesterday. That would have raised his eyebrows!

The only reason you got a YANBU out of me is because you said he said it in a sarky way.

Yes men are the norm, but for kids with zero frame of reference on the topic, calling it out in a sarky way makes him the AH. Had your boys made a comment on it, he could have said something wonderfully supportive and feminist to counteract their views. As it stands he just made the divide worse.

Maybe he mostly only notices van drivers in detail when they're 'white van men', clear in his rear view mirror when they're tailgating him?

I drive a large powerful vehicle and people comment on it all the time probably because I'm very petite and just don't fit the stereotype, but you know what I think when I hear those comments? Absolutely nothing. I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion on it nor am I offended or angry. 100% indifferent.
If you're life is so great and your husband so fab why are you working so hard to find things to get upset about? It smacks of total insecurity about yourself and as a woman.

I have a female postman (postperson?!) and even though I know she does our round, it still stands out as odd from the other delivery people round here, who are ALL male.

It DOES stand out as different.

Fair enough, he doesn't need to keep mentioning it, but it definitely isn't the norm.

I think, for me, it's the fact that he used what is meant to be a positive and empowering phrase on something so very mundane and unnoteworthy. It's just a van ffs, included as standard on your driving licence. At least Bus and HGV is an extended skill. Commenting in the way he did was patronising and insulting. I could maybe accept "this girl can" if she'd jumped out the cockpit of the Eurofighter or stepped of the bridge of a 200,000 Gross Ton cruise ship - not because either of these are surprising roles for women but because they are cool AF! (I have taken the helm of a 60GT Tanker though).

I have grandfather rights on my licence. At 17 me and my mate drove over 5 hours to Alton Towers only a few months after passing our tests - with only an AA Road Map to guide us. At 19 I hired my first Luton Van to move house. At 26 I had passed by C+E and D licences and regularly drove HGV and Coaches for the Armed Forces. Now I work in heavy industry and my company employs about 6% women in an industry that generally has 2-3% women. And I would never tell any of them "this girl can" 😂

I find it really bizarre that people are defending this! He’s not just said it’s unusual, he’s made a comment on her ability to drive it, as if that is exceptional. It might be true that you see more men in trades which use vans, but extending that to female ability to do that is obviously sexist! I had a pair of idiots snigger away at a car hire place when I rented a van and didn’t immediately pull away (I was putting my iPhone on) which they clearly assumed was me figuring things out.

My toddler son has made comments about women doing shopping and cleaning and cooking - because still in our society you do tend to see that more - but I have still challenged it (not that I’ve told my toddler he’s being sexist but I certainly wouldn’t shy away from pointing out sexism when he’s older).

Also it’s a basic and easy task to drive a van, this idea of some men that it requires some special male ability is ridiculous, I don’t go “wow that man can” when one gets a hoover out, do I? That sentiment is clearly predicated on an idea that “men can do it, women can’t”.