DH made comment about women driving. Has incensed me.

[Smsquared]

Just had lovely morning with DH and kids. Sat having a coffee and watching the local fruit vendors packing up. Few comments between us on what hard graft it looks like. Three adults (two men, one woman) packing things up into 2 vans. When they finish packing up the woman jumps into one and drives off and DH says ‘wow, the woman is driving one of the vans. This girl can’.
As we drive home he asks me what’s wrong and I tell him how that comment just stinks of the patriarchy and why is it even notable that a woman is driving a van in 2023. He says it’s just an observation as you don’t really see that. I feel adamant that it shouldn’t even be commented on as why wouldn’t / shouldn’t the woman be driving the van and doing just as many things as the two men and saying it in a sarky way implies that the woman shouldn’t be. He feels I’ve escalated this and it’s nothing to do with the patriarchy or women not having as many rights in the past. He’s a brilliant husband and father and respects me 100% but just venting here as I want to find a way to make him realise how ingrained his views are and how much they need to change. We have two boys who I intend to raise as feminist allies.

He said a sexist dickish thing in a sexist dickish tone and deserves to be treated like the sexist dick that he so clearly is.

Yup. So many pp tripping over themselves defending this twat.

I used to have a horsebox, which was a converted van. DH actually found it very uncomfortable to drive as he was too tall for the seat configuration. The seats suited me just fine!

Why spoil a lovely day out with a sexist comment?

Saying "this girl can" about a grown woman doing her job is giving me the ick, so patronising. I can only suggest a running commentary to him as the two of you go about your business, e.g. "Oh look, that man is cutting someone's hair. This boy can!" Sometimes reversing something can help people realise how ridiculous they sound.

Oh I daren't even tell you what my Ex says about women and their "Rights to Drive" 😳 It brings me out in a cold sweat to think that I was once connected to him.

He's from another Patriarchal European country, but is a mysogynistic Dinosaur, even by those standards.

This girl can was a comment coined by women as far as I knew, aimed at saying "this typically male profession? I'm doing it!"

If it wasn't unusual for women and men to still have stereotypical jobs we wouldn't still be running activities with kids where we show then pictures of people, ask them to match them to their jobs and then pulling an "Aha actually all these women do "male" jobs and all the men do "female" jobs!"

Around here it is pretty uncommon to see a woman driving a van, lorry or bus

He'd struggle with me..... I've had a full motorbike license for over 40 years, white van driver (with manual steering) 30 years ago, driven a minibus all over Europe and one of my sons is a nurse who can knit and sew🤣

To those posters saying that's a normal attitude where you live, where do you actually all live? I live in a very "small c" conservative little town in the middle of bumfuck nowhere (adult DS's phrase but it's a good one) and women driving vans wouldn't raise an eyebrow. I once got a round of applause for my excellent reverse parking from an octogenarian but that was nearly 15 years ago and he's dead now. In fact, his hearse was probably driven by a woman as there's a 50% chance from the local undertakers.
This town is by no means progressive but the locals accepted women drivers only a few years after decimal currency.

"This girl can" is at least a positive comment. I was expecting something derogatory about female drivers.
In an ideal world it wouldn't be noteworthy at all though for a woman to drive a van so I get what you mean.

Hmmm

While I understand your ire. Fgs we can drive vans and have been for decades. He said it in a positive way.

So I'd say yes he has internalised misogyny but it sounds like he doesn't agree with that internalisation. So he's not a bad guy he's just been swayed by the world.

Where do you live?? It's a genuine question.

I live in a North Yorks village, conservative voting rural area, and you can see women driving vans here. I drive a van, and have never been aware of someone giving me a second look when I do so.

I agree with this too. It's patronising.

I drive a tourist train and I'm sick of this shit from men and the women that minimise it. The 'jokes' I can deal with easily enough by giving as good as I get, but it's the patronising comments such as OP's husband made that are a real drag. It is no fucking big deal for a woman to be driving anything bigger than a car (and we're not girls either). You did the right thing in challenging him OP.

They don’t @bookworm44, my point was that because men are generally bigger and stronger than women, and they are aware of that, they try to be helpful (not all the time obviously) when it comes to doing jobs, yes even the jobs women can do very easily like drive, or carry groceries, holding open the door. All of which is rooted in good manners not the oppressive forms of patriarchy.

It depends how he said it tbh. If it was a 'that's statistically unusual but it's good that we are seeing more of it' then fine. If it was a tone of surprise that a woman is capable of driving a van, yeah that's shit.

I did a double take when a woman pilot made an announcement on the tanoy on a flight recently. Not because I think there is anything wrong with it or wanted to get off the plane etc etc but because it is still relatively unusual. And I used it to reflect that it was wrong of me to be expecting it to be a man. I didn't comment but if I did, I'd have been pissed off for getting a bollocking for it. People are allowed to comment on unusual circumstances without them making a judgement on those circumstances other than them being unusual

Sad that it's noticeable and comment worthy at all but let's be honest there's a van driver stereotype where the driver is male. I can understand that being an unconscious bias that a lot of people will have. The comment however for me depends on how it's said. If it was a ' fair enough- I'm surprised but pleasantly and that's great she's doing that ' attitude then I wouldn't have been overly annoyed. But if it was a dismissive or mocking tone then I'd have been pissed as well. So I think tone and intention are important here.

Not everywhere has people (men or women) driving horse boxes

Bus drivers from those I've used and seen are predominantly older males. Parcel deliveries are predominantly male, or a few women in cars, but we do have one Amazon driver who's a woman with a van. TBH I don't pay much attention to lorry drivers but those I have seen seem to be male.

I wouldn't say it's because we're backwards or whatever, just those jobs don't attract a huge number of females.

Driving large vans, trucks, delivery vehicles almost always involve lifting heavy boxes. Use your noggin and ponder until the light begins to dawn as to why men, who are generally bigger and stronger than women, often are drivers of these larger vehicles. Not always but by a significant margin.

My french neighbour is in her 70’s, a tiny little woman.
She used to drive hgv’s all over Europe.
Bizarrley I’ve never seen her drive, her dh drives her everywhere.

Women driving trucks and vans is not a recent thing at all - here's QEII driving a truck in WW2.

It's funny how men's helpfulness with strenuous jobs extends as far as carrying driving or opening doors (neither of which is strenuous), but not usually to things like cleaning the bathroom.

Women's jobs have historically been strenuous too. Before washing machines, doing a wash was an incredibly strenuous job. Not one that men helped with though.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist many women didn’t carry on those jobs though after the war.

And?

If women driving trucks wasn't shocking in the 1940s, it's bloody depressing that lots of women are arguing that it's shocking now.

I drive a van. I have female friends who drive vans. I see female delivery drivers out and about. It's really not bloody shocking!

I can only assume that many posters simply don't notice the women that are out and about driving vans/buses, so they assume every big vehicle they see is driven by a man. It can only be lack of observation skills.

Bearing in mind all the posts on here from people who can't park, reverse, go on roundabout or motorways then I'm not surprised your husband made a comment