DH made comment about women driving. Has incensed me.

[Smsquared]

Just had lovely morning with DH and kids. Sat having a coffee and watching the local fruit vendors packing up. Few comments between us on what hard graft it looks like. Three adults (two men, one woman) packing things up into 2 vans. When they finish packing up the woman jumps into one and drives off and DH says ‘wow, the woman is driving one of the vans. This girl can’.
As we drive home he asks me what’s wrong and I tell him how that comment just stinks of the patriarchy and why is it even notable that a woman is driving a van in 2023. He says it’s just an observation as you don’t really see that. I feel adamant that it shouldn’t even be commented on as why wouldn’t / shouldn’t the woman be driving the van and doing just as many things as the two men and saying it in a sarky way implies that the woman shouldn’t be. He feels I’ve escalated this and it’s nothing to do with the patriarchy or women not having as many rights in the past. He’s a brilliant husband and father and respects me 100% but just venting here as I want to find a way to make him realise how ingrained his views are and how much they need to change. We have two boys who I intend to raise as feminist allies.

Well that's conditioning isn't it?

Yeah it would annoy me. He wasn’t just pointing out it was unusual, he was acting like a woman even being able to do that was impressive.

Does he do the same if he sees a man in a non-traditional role? ‘Wow, he knows how to knit! Go buddy!’

As a father he should strive to be a better role model than letting casual sexist remarks fall out of his mouth.

@Trisolaris many people made a fuss about Tom Daley knitting at the Olympics, would such a fuss be made if a female competitor had been seen knitting

…at no point did he says it was a bad thing, or she shouldn’t be driving.

Definitely LTB for using terminology like 'this girl can'.

Calm doon min.

This

I feel you’re being a bit sensitive. It wasn’t a major comment and it’s not as common to see a woman driving a van, he isn’t wrong.

I’d be pointing out that “This man get his urine IN the toilet bowl AND clean up after himself.”
”This man knows his own children’s birthdays, ages AND what they want for presents.”, “This man doesn’t need constant reminders about everyday events that affect his life only, like doctor’s appointments.” Dickhead

Wow , that's nothing. My OH always used to say 'a woman or an old person' when he saw someone driving badly or slow. He's only stopped because I'm learning to drive and he doesn't want to put me off.

Yeah, it's annoying, and the fact people (the DH and posters on the thread) can't see why is more the problem in a way than the initial, probably thoughtless, comment.

It's like the reactions I've sometimes had to my career (scientific software developer) or DD gets now (electronics engineer). Sometimes it's a sort of overenthusiastic response that I don't think a man would get.

Bloody hell, poor bloke. I bet it's fu

😂😂

Oops didn't mean to oust, I'd decided to keep my thoughts to myself.

in essence he made a daft comment, do you take everything quite so seriously?

im surprised he even made an off the cuff remark, I'd have thought he'd know better by now.

I'm sorry OP, but there is only one treatment for this. see below:

Tbh,why ruin a lovely day with getting incensed about it and then posting on here?
You've taken it out of proportion and ruined an enjoyable day for both of you.
Guess you're on here to get vindicated so you can tell him you were in the right.
Hope it's worth the moral satisfaction.

If your sons were there it was a good thing to just point it out, in a positive way, as children absorb the views of society, as well as their parents. I was expecting derogatory comments about women drivers by your title.

It's very much the norm in the area I live in as it's horse dominated and most people pull trailers/drive 3.5t/HGV boxes. Mostly women at the yard I'm at. We also have plenty of women delivery drivers and food delivery drivers in vans. I drive an off road Land Rover and tractors.

I'm inclined to agree with this

There's plently of jobs that are typically done by women so you might be surprised to see a man. This is no different. There's no reason why a woman wouldn't be a van driver, but it's usually done by men. You're over reacting.

and this.
The male mid day supervisor at school is almost always referred to as "the man dinner lady". There is no reason at all why a man shouldn't do the job, but it doesn't stop it from being unusual, and worth commenting on.

Your not speaking to him and 'being incensed' really is making a mountain out of a molehill. Why not just laugh at him at the time, and question why he even thought to say it if it bothers you that much ?

Where I live it is unusual to see women driving vans, although my friend had a small van because it was a better choice than a car for her dogs. Women bus drivers have only appeared on our local routes over the last eighteen months. It wasn't derogatory what he said, he was just making a comment. I think that you've spoilt the day for no reason.

My sister has a van instead of a car and a couple of my dh's female friends drive ambulances but they're the only women I know who regularly drives one.

I don't think it's due to the size (we all drive large, wide and long estate cars and I passed my test in an old Volvo estate) but more about the types of job they do. The vast majority of women I know don't need to drive a van for work (Dr, teacher, betting shop cashier, tattooist etc) whereas a lot of the men I know do (builders, gardeners, road maintenance, handyman etc).

Ingrained bias. Unfortunately it's still very much in evidence as is illustrated by many comments on this thread.
I have had a hgv license since 2000, can also drive a forklift, a JCB and a team of heavy horses. My daily vehicle is my van.

His comment feels pretty patronising to me "This girl can!" yuk! However, I couldn't get that worked up about it. I personally see very few female can drivers and would notice one when I did (but wouldn't make a song and dance out of it!)

Oh what a load of old tosh. Stop getting your knickers in a twist over nothing.

And why raise your sons to be “feminist allies”? Just raise them to be feminists 🙄