Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

Just do as you see fit - then don't tell anyone. I think it's perfectly reasonable to treat ppl differently even if they have the same relationship with you.

You may think that inheritance = money, but it is often perceived as a proxy for love. And the relatively disinherited will feel less loved or unloved, even if they never needed or wanted the money. It happened to both my parents to different degrees in favour of their younger (more 'needy') siblings and has left a terrible bitter taste. Trust me, you will be remembered with resentment, possibly hatred. Not, perhaps, the legacy you intended.

Split it equally between your grandchildren leaving the money for the grandchild with the SN’s in a trust managed by his sister who get him what he needs when he needs it. I assume he gets some sort of benefits and if you leave it directly to him it may alter what he is entitled to. Or you could leave double to his sister if she can be trusted to use it for his needs.

Not if it’s left in trust for him it wouldn’t be.

The OP doesn’t want to leave it in trust as she doesn’t trust any trustees to use it properly and may use it on things like a carer taking him on holiday…

Take advice re your disabled grandchild. An inheritance might mean he stops being entitled to benefits so it could be a waste of time unless you’re leaving him a lot.

Well if you pay for his carers to go it means your dgs doesn't have to out of his benefits.......

You can set up a will so dgs can have a set amount released each year and state what its for, the dwp can't touch it. In my dcs case we've set up so our dc will each receive 2k a year for a holiday, any remaining will go to charity.

Aside from the potential distress and divisions leaving different amounts can cause, I'd look into whether an inheritance would affect your disabled grandson's eligibility for care.

I know disabled people who were left money (not huge amounts, but over the benefits threshold) then had enormous stress when it meant their benefits were stopped and they had to spend the inheritance on basic needs, then had to reapply for everything when the inheritance soon ran out. Reapplying is a very stressful and difficult process and can mean losing care and money or being forced onto work schemes.

Ideally, I'd look into ways to leave an equal amount to your disabled son in ways that he'd find beneficial, but without affecting disability benefits. The holidays (with well-paid carers) might be something he'd like.

Of course it's up to you, but I do think leaving out one or more grandchildren might upset them. Can you have conversations with them about what they'd appreciate most?

If you want to split your family up royally and leave an utter shit-show as your legacy, then crack on with what you're doing.

I've seen so many families never speaking to each other because of wills like this. Leave it split down the middle to your two sons and they can decide what to do with it. Thank God my DM has the good sense not to get involved with this kind of crap and is just leaving it to myself and my DSis. My children aren't as close to her as my sister's children are but they are still her grandchildren and that's the way she sees it. I will do the same for my 2 DS's even if one of them or both of them never speak to me again, they are my family. Shame on you for playing favourites.

My grandparents have 8 grandchildren. When they died, leaving a reasonable sized estate, 7 of us got 25k - a lovely help in life, (it was a house deposit for me). My profoundly disabled cousin got 250k left in a special trust that is administered by her mother + a sibling.

their reasoning was that the rest of us had happy and fortunate lives, we have our heads (mostly!) screwed on - and we have the capacity to earn nice things for ourselves.

My cousin is very well loved, but aged 30 she has never earned anything + has no capacity to do so. She needs a safety net more than the rest of us. She also can’t go anywhere without a carer. I went on a family trip to Disney land with her and her carer when she was about 18 and believe me that woman earned every penny she was paid. It was a work trip not a jolly. Setting up a trust isn’t complicated if you want to.

if you don’t want to create a rift, leave it to your sons.

DSis had this problem with her DCs. If she left money to DS in supported living he would lose some of his allowances. He struggles to cope with money anyway.

So all to her DD who will see that DS is OK.

This happened in my family - my grandmother disproportionately favoured one grandchild in her will. It caused a huge, bitter rift among her children (who previously got on fine). I would think carefully about the advice everyone is giving you re the legacy this will leave in terms of the family relationships.

I would leave say 70% to your sons and split the rest between the gcs.

I'll start by saying that people can leave their money to whoever they want for whatever reasons they want (no matter how petty). Your choice.

Having said that this is likely to cause division, and there is nothing that will tear a family apart faster than a will that is unfair, or perceived to be unfair. However you might not be bothered that they all maintain a relationship after you're gone.

Split your money how you want, but make sure you've thought through the harm it could do, and this will be how they remember you.

Granddaughter is the golden child and you want to leave everything to her, it's your money so crack on. Doesn't reflect well on you though.

All I wanted to say really was - whatever you do, I think you need to be comfortable talking about it with all those involved and that you should be happy to be up front and explain your thoughts. If you don't explain it would feel incredibly hurtful if you don't do what's expected by default (ie, your immediate children being the primary beneficiaries) - so be upfront, and there will be no shocks.

As lots of people here have already said, I think you should definitely reconsider with respect to the one with care requirements. I think excluding that one would feel incredibly hurtful, like you are valuing their life less for their disability. That's different from someone you've somehow grown apart from - that one, juries out a bit more from my perspective.

Who do you think should pay for a carer to accompany your grandson on holiday? Should they pay for their own trip even though they’d be working and it’s hardly a fun break for them?

If a grandchild doesn’t bother with you, I can understand the reasoning behind leaving them less. But if anything your disabled grandchild will need more help than his sister and it’s awful to exclude him or give him a token amount. Maybe she could be trustee?

Otherwise you’re better to leave it to your sons. Or just give it to charity!

I was thinking that. One of my GSs is 100 miles away, I see him every fortnight, holidays he will come and stay for a week at a time. Forty miles is nothing really.

Just split your estate evenly between your two children and trust them to make proper provision for their children.

You do want your children to think kindly of you when you are gone, don't you? because if you give everything to one grandchild I can guarantee you that you will have left a legacy of bitterness and bewilderment.

How spiteful not to leave it to one grandchild who didn’t invite you to their wedding. You weren’t around for them growing up - that’s hardly the grandchild’s fault.
just leave it to your kids or a charity rather than at the whim of a moral judgement on who is most deserving.

I read that assuming that you’d be asking about leaving more money to the gc with special needs

that is cowardly, you leave your children and grandchildren to deal with the mess and rift because you don’t have the guts to make your decision and stand by it.

I also don't understand you not wanting your disabled grandson to be able to take a holiday with carers if that's the only way he can travel!

If you've made no effort with one of your grand children, also then not including them in your will does seem a bit callous. As an adult I think the onus would have been on you to establish a bond when they were young.

I agree with other posters that you should just leave it to your sons. What you are really asking is if its okay if you leave everything to your favourite grandchild. You can do what you want but I don't think its very nice or kind.

This is too twisted to be true. You're looking for excuses to justify leaving everything to your favourite, 'normal' grandchild. If that's what you want to do, crack on it's your choice. But don't try to spin it as anything other than spiteful.

I would split it equally between your sons and grandchildren. Equal 5 ways (or however many).

You can’t take your money with you. Don’t leave behind negative feelings.

Please treat everyone fairly.