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AIBU?

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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 25/08/2023 14:19

If you only want 1 of your 3 grandchildren to inherit, I think just avoid a family rift and leave it all to your sons.

OhComeOnFFS · 25/08/2023 14:21

I agree, leave it to your sons and perhaps give each grandchild (regardless of ability or manners) £1,000.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2023 14:21

I suggest you leave it to who you want to whether it excluded people or not. My main advice is to not tell anyone the contents of your Will while you are alive though. Set out in a side letter which the solicitor can help you prepare which sets out why you aren't leaving anything to some people if you think it may help those left behind come to terms with being left out if they know the reasons.

Tara24 · 25/08/2023 14:23

40 miles apart isn't much of a distance.

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2023 14:23

You object to paying for the carers to take your disabled grandson on holiday, wow. Maybe leave it all to a charity

Ponderingwindow · 25/08/2023 14:24

If your grandson needs a caregiver in order to travel, then preventing funds from being used for that purpose is just spiteful.

you won’t be around to deal with the fallout of giving disparate amounts to your grandchildren, but there will be fallout. This kind of thing causes huge problems.

Uneven giving can make sense if one recipient has profound need, but otherwise it is going to just cause pain for everyone involved.

you are likely better off just splitting the money evenly between your children instead. Alternatively, give the money to charity. Just don’t proceed with your current plan.

Beamur · 25/08/2023 14:27

My granny left her estate (which was modest) to be equally shared among her sons and grandchildren. We're quite a big family and there are adopted children and SEN amongst those.
She didn't tell anyone her intentions when alive and after her death it was comfortingly fair. There was enough for a nice holiday/rainy day cushion for us all. No favourites and no exceptions. Just a reflection of having been one of the grandchildren here.

MarshmaIIow · 25/08/2023 14:29

It is not the fault of the grandchild you don't see that you aren't close to them. Please be fair and split it with them equally.

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 14:30

Agree, leave it to your sons to figure out and that way all the emotional decisions are not yours. If you choose to leave it to your gc, then I wouldn't leave it to the one who doesn't bother with you. Why should they get anything when they have excluded you?

headcheffer · 25/08/2023 14:32

Leave it to your sons. Trust that you have raised them well enough that they will in turn look after their own children with it. Once you're dead, the money is no longer yours after all.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/08/2023 14:32

Wow. Where to start

i have a disabled family member, they need support, so part of the holiday package is the cost of a carer, it’s not a jolly for the carer, they have responsibilities towards their charge and are working. So for you to say you would be happy to pay for a holiday for your grandchild, actually you are not because you won’t pay for the carer element so that shows that actually you have no comprehension. Will a token £1000 cut it , No it won’t.

yes you can set up a trust for that grandchild and that’s what I would be doing, make your solicitor and the father trustees or something

as to the grandchild you don’t see, well who’s fault is that you yourself say Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other 40 miles is nothing, why didn’t you make the effort? It works both ways. What about when the child was older, a teenager, where their family invited by you to things? And you probably didn’t get invited because you didn’t make that effort, so why would a child that feels is grandparent wants nothing to do with him worry about inviting you to a wedding or christening

so that leaves your favourite hey, the ‘normal’ grandchild

So yes you are being very unreasonable, either leave it to your two children, or leave it split to all three grandchildren

or Just leave the whole lot to a charity and be done with it

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 14:33

whatever you do, don't tell anyone what's in it. Then you can leave it all to one DGC and they can take the fall out instead.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 25/08/2023 14:33

For your grandson not to have invited you to his wedding (unless an elopement type thing) there absolutely must be a backstory here. 40 miles is nothing. I travel 40 miles (well 38) for work at least 3 times a week.

And how do you think your grandson with additional needs would manage a holiday if not with carers? Does he not have hobbies? Gaming interests? Would like a new TV or new tech? Nicer furniture? Meals out?

It sounds as though you have a favoured grand daughter who stands to inherit a decent sum. You are free to do that. But it’s likely to cause hurt. Long term. You have not given sufficient detail to enable suggestions. But I’d have thought there were fairer ways of doing things.

widowtwankywashroom · 25/08/2023 14:34

Leave it to me OP I'll distribute it fairly

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 25/08/2023 14:35

You are going to cause a family rift when you are gone, which isn’t a very nice legacy. It will tarnish their memory of you and you will not be remembered fondly. Instead you will remembered for the games you played with your will. I would try and be fair with everyone.

Happydays321 · 25/08/2023 14:35

I'd leave it to each grandchild equally, and I say this as a grandmother too. If not I'd just leave it to my children.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2023 14:36

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.

WTF?!

ditalini · 25/08/2023 14:38

I'm going to assume it hasn't crossed your mind that this sort of split in a will can have repercussions on the relationships of those left behind.

Top tip! This sort of split can have repercussions that you don't anticipate. Don't be that person - leave it to your children if you can't bring yourself to split it equally between the next generation.

Pumpkindoodles · 25/08/2023 14:41

Why would you object to carers? Should they pay to take your grandson on holiday and work whilst they’re there? Would you rather he have no holiday than risk the carers going with him? I don’t really understand your reasoning for giving him less to be honest.

Your other grandson, you say you weren’t around much when he was a child, why didn't you make the effort you’re expecting him to make now? It’s ok you didn’t but I don’t know why you assume he will now. You also still have time to reach out to him and build up your relationship. Again I don’t really understand your reasoning on this one

All that said, it’s up to you what you do really, if you want to give all your money to your granddaughter that’s up to you. You’ll need to make a note of why though otherwise I believe people can contest the will

SataumaMeddler · 25/08/2023 14:44

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

The only bit I'm going to say is regarding the carers - it's not a 'free holiday' for them, it's an accomodation to allow your grandson the same experience as others.

frozencarlotta · 25/08/2023 14:44

Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2023 14:36

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.

WTF?!

So Op expects him to go on holiday on his own? Which he clearly cannot do, so...

Pebblepaint · 25/08/2023 14:44

I think most would be inclined to leave more to the child with problems if anything?

I think you'll cause the most awful family rift if you do things as you suggest. Leave it to the donkey sanctuary rather than that, but better just leave it to your sons. They can help their children with it if they want to.

user76541055773 · 25/08/2023 14:47

Meant kindly, forget about the money for now. Or at least put something in place to leave it either equally between the grandchildren, or to your sons. You can always change it later.

in the mean time invest in the relationships themselves. Find out what your grandson with additional needs wants and enjoys, and what would add value to his life.

Build a relationship with your estranged grandchild. Unless there is a massive backstory then it’s up to you to do it. When he was a small child he couldn’t do it, and when he was grown to teen/young adult if there is no precedent for a relationship then I could understand why he wouldn’t bother. You can’t just take the huff that he didn’t invite you to his wedding, if you never really bothered to build a relationship with him. And I understand there might be some backstory, but you haven’t shared it so I have to make assumptions. Apologies in advance if I have assumed wrongly.

I think you need to do some work here OP. Please don’t let your money be your only legacy for these people.

FightingFate · 25/08/2023 14:47

This can’t be real. 😳

Spanielsarepainless · 25/08/2023 14:50

It's only emotional blackmail if you tell them about it.

I have a similar dilemma, two older stepchildren, three step-grandchildren. One SG stays in touch, the others don't. So I am hoping to leave half my estate to the one who stays in touch. Not sure about the other half.