Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

I think in general terms it's best just to be fair. So divide between your sons, or all your grandchildren.

You won't be there, why does it matter?

Did it come as a surprise that he didn't invite you to the wedding?

so you object to pay for the people who make it absolutely possible for your DFS to enjoy a holiday? Try are on call 24/7 and away from their families for you DGS but you object to paying for them? Ffs

It sounds like OP has fears that the trustee will spend all the money meant for the DGS with LDs. I don't think OP means to discriminate against him, she understandably wants any money for him to be spent on him.

Why would you skip your sons and leave it to grandchildren? Are your sons very well off? Do they have huge pensions coming? Why would you skip a generation?

You don't want to leave it to your children, and you don't sound all that enamoured with your grandchildren. I'm leaving my estate to my children split evenly, regardless of their ages when I go, but I suggest you leave yours to charity.

It is the grandchild’s fault he didn’t invite his dgm to his Wedding!

so she's settled on giving him a whole £1000?

er, okay.

Honestly it won't benefit the disabled gc if he's in supported accommodation. He will receive benefits and social care housing support and having a large, but not large enough to pay for care until the end of his days, will be a massive headache and be swallowed up in care and accommodation costs. Could you leave him enough to have a holiday? Speak to the support provider or disability social worker as well as solicitor.

I'd probably leave a token amount to gc you don't see.

I agree with leaving the majority to the other gc. If they bother with you and you're close to them why not. It's your money, dish it out how you like.

he may have a perfectly sound reason.

I know you asked for people to be gentle, but like many others upthread I am frankly horrified at your proposed treatment of your disabled grandchild. You are explicitly aware that they cannot live independently and yet are proposing to leave them less than you non disabled grandchild?? I'm lost for words.

Cutting out the grandchild with whom you failed to forge a relationship is also pretty terrible. He has already lost out on having a nice relationship with a grandmother, and now you are making it his fault and punishing him further.

Basically you just want to leave everything to your granddaughter and want people to say it’s ok…

I wouldn’t care if my MIL (I have no parents) left my children nothing, but I’d have nothing further to do with her if I discovered she was planning on basically cutting out my child because of their disability.

He may do, but then he probably isn't expecting any money either.

When I started reading, I thought you were going to say that you would leave a BIGGER chunk to the disabled DGS, since they would never be able to earn their own money, and even something like a holiday would be more costly for them as they would need to take a carer.

I realise it is probably more complicated than it sounds, not just because a trust would be needed, but also because you don't want to leave them money if it just means they lose the equivalent amount in benefits; you'd need advice on that. However I think that to leave them less says "you are not worth as much as your sister".

There will be a backstory here.
Who doesn't invite the grandmother to the wedding or the baby's christening?
What was the relationship like when he was younger?

I’m going to suggest that the reason he didn’t invite his GM is possibly because of previous unequal relationships, the kind of which we now see playing out in this will.

my son chooses not to see his GM because she always gave preferential treatment to her other grandsons. I’m sure she will never think she did anything wrong and he is just leaving her out. She now posts quotes about how “children will remember who was there for them”. Quite!

How is your disabled grandson meant to go on holiday without a carer? Or are they meant to pay for it themselves, out of their minimum wage zero hours job?

@CherryMaDeara yeh right, by giving the person with special needs a 'token' amount.
Nice.

My uncle had severe special needs, he was treated equally & fairly in my Grandparents & Great Aunt's will. Rightly so.

My parents changed their will in favour of their grandchildren and didn’t tell me. They eventually did tell me, as they were considering changing it back as my circumstances changed.

I’m so glad they told me. I would have been devastated at a time when I was already going through enough, had they died and I’d discovered I’d been disinherited. Losing them will be horrendous enough, without the shock of finding out they didn’t feel able to discuss their will and had not done what I always assumed they had, which was an equal split with my siblings.

I’m fully aware I can’t rely on there being anything left as they may need it, and that’s fine as I will be prepared. Disinheriting with an explanation, also okay. Not telling because you don’t want to deal with the fallout of your actions isn’t okay.

Obviously it’s different if your children are no contact or there is significant conflict, but that didn’t apply to me. My parents had simply decided I didn’t need it, but that was because they didn’t know my situation. Please don’t do this without discussion.

I changed my Will after spending Xmas with GC - from leaving half to them to leaving all only to DC! The GC seemed too immature to inherit!

Unless there is a huge reason not to , leave it to your sons with perhaps an equal small amount to each grandchild. Doesn't matter how old you are or how well off ,being ignored by your parents in their will is so hurtful and makes you feel unloved. Trust them to do the right thing if they have no need of the money.

As pp have said 40 miles is nothing and to not have a relationship with a grandchild over such a short distance is shocking

No wonder they don’t come to anything now if they have been shut out for not living on the same road

I would split it evenly to avoid family disputes after you have died. Be careful when leaving money to your grandchild with disabilities that it doesn’t just lead to him having to pay for things that he would otherwise get for free. Seek advice over the setting up of a trust.

Just to say if you leave over a certain amount to your dgc who lives in care this will stop his benefits, all fees will be paid from his savings until they fall to the level decided by government ( don’t know current amount) It would be better to leave to his parent/sibling on the understand they pay for his holidays /treats from it.