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AIBU?

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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
euff · 25/08/2023 16:26

I worked in adult social care and we had a young man with learning disabilities who was left money in a trust by his dad. The trustee was the young man's uncle. The uncle never allowed anything to be released for his nephew to use for anything his nephew wanted. Mostly nephew really wanted a carer accompanied trip to visit cousins in a nearby European country. Guess who inherits the unused money.

When you are dead it won't really matter what anyone thinks about it. If it's not all tied up why not spend some while you are here and able to see it being used?

FrostieBoabby · 25/08/2023 16:27

I can't help but wonder if you desperately wanted daughters, were bitterly disappointed with sons. Then, along came the disappointing Grandson's but finally the wonderful cherished Granddaughter you always wanted. Now you're trying to justify leaving most of your estate to your one favourite.

I sense a back story with the wedding invites and suspect your family could tell us a tale or 2....

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/08/2023 16:28

euff · 25/08/2023 16:26

I worked in adult social care and we had a young man with learning disabilities who was left money in a trust by his dad. The trustee was the young man's uncle. The uncle never allowed anything to be released for his nephew to use for anything his nephew wanted. Mostly nephew really wanted a carer accompanied trip to visit cousins in a nearby European country. Guess who inherits the unused money.

When you are dead it won't really matter what anyone thinks about it. If it's not all tied up why not spend some while you are here and able to see it being used?

I hope there was someone who helped the young man challenge that and have the trustee removed? It is possible, especially if the trustee is not acting in the vulnerable persons best interests

BurbageBrook · 25/08/2023 16:28

Good lord, I thought you were going to say you wanted to leave MORE to the disabled grandchild. Your attitude is quite astounding.

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2023 16:29

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 14:30

Agree, leave it to your sons to figure out and that way all the emotional decisions are not yours. If you choose to leave it to your gc, then I wouldn't leave it to the one who doesn't bother with you. Why should they get anything when they have excluded you?

Maybe they dont make any effort because the OP lived too far away to make the effort to see them???

EeyoreNeedsABalloon · 25/08/2023 16:31

Where to even start. I know of a few families where a disabled child or grandchild has been left more as their needs are greater, never less. How judgemental. You know that funding for a carer might mean the difference between your GS having a holiday or not? Caring is not a flipping jolly, it’s hard work and is done to benefit the recipient.

If you do split as you’ve indicated, you and your legacy won’t be looked on kindly. Inheritance isn’t just about money. Unless you really don’t care what anyone, including your sons and the golden grandchild, think of you. Because the memory of that will linger on long after the money has gone, trust me.
Better piss it up the wall or leave it split 50-50 between your sons to decide what to do with, rather than be so judgemental.

Bex268 · 25/08/2023 16:32

You sound awful. How can you object to your grandson having someone accompany him on a trip that he wouldn’t be able to go on without. I don’t understand your logic. It’s clear you favour one grandchild. what a nasty piece of work.

skyeisthelimit · 25/08/2023 16:33

I would just leave the money to your sons rather than leave out some grandchildren.

To leave a grandchild out because they are disabled is quite awful actually.

and I am not sure how you can blame a grandchild for not knowing you when you are the adult and could have helped to facilitate contact with them. 40 miles is nothing distance wise.

Ohhbaby · 25/08/2023 16:34

Full agree with rather giving it to your grandchildren than own children. Money is always more needed when you are in you 20s and 30s. Stuff like childcare, house deposit etc. It means much more then. But now people give it to their 60 or 70 year old children, who just finsihe din the peak of their careers, highest earning capability only for their children to wait until they in turn, turn 50 or 60 or 70 to inheret

UsingChangeofName · 25/08/2023 16:35

I agree with everyone else.

The only reasonable choices (with the information you have given us) are

  • split between your 2 dc
  • split equally between the 2 dc and 3 dgc
  • split equally between the 3 dgc
Anything else will just leave a long lasting bitter taste between all remaining family members.

Clearly there is back story here - the dgc who didn't invite you to their wedding / the fact you have no relationship with them despite only living 40 miles away / the really bizarre attitude to your dgc with additional needs, and his carers all clearly has affected how you've come to this way of thinking, but, going on the information you have given us, YABU.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 25/08/2023 16:36

If your grandson needs a caregiver in order to travel, then preventing funds from being used for that purpose is just spiteful.

I agree.

Also, re: your GS who gre up 40 miles away. When he was a child it was your responsibility to arrange visits and build a relationship. You were the adult and you obviously failed to do that, despite 40 miles not being very far. Now you want to penalise him for having a distant relationship with you?

I have young nieces and nephews who live hundreds of miles away and I still manage to visit and build a relationship with them.

Honestly, your plans sound awful and spiteful, to the extent that I don't think this can be real (or maybe it's a reverse).

NoTouch · 25/08/2023 16:36

40 miles is nothing and not the DGs fault you never made the effort to bond with him as a child.

You seem to want to critically control things from beyond the grave (resenting it being used to pay for carer to support your dgc on holidays 🤔) which is not a good look.

Spend as much as you can enjoying life before you go then accept you raised your own dc to be the the people they are today. Split it evenly and trust them to spend it the way they think is wise for either themselves or their own dc.

IncompleteSenten · 25/08/2023 16:36

It's your money, you can leave it to whoever you want to. And since you'll be dead you won't be around to see any hurt or anger.

Phos · 25/08/2023 16:37

Leave your money to whoever you want.

Your grandson who cannot live independently really has no need for a vast amount of inheritance.

As for the one who has no interest in a relationship, it's only emotional blackmail if you frame it as such now. You've no need to tell him you're not in the will because you don't keep in touch.

When my grandmother died I was the only grandchild to inherit. My cousin had a major hissy fit about this (despite not having maintained the relationship with my grandmother) and complained to a solicitor who basically told her she would be wasting her time contesting it.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 25/08/2023 16:38

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.)

Is he supposed to travel alone then?

category12 · 25/08/2023 16:42

I'm confused by you being happy for your grandson to go on holiday but would resent paying carers to go with him - so basically you're not happy for him to go on holiday with it. If he needs carers to cope, then they need payment.

Psm92 · 25/08/2023 16:43

It seems to me quite odd - and potentially cruel - that you yourself have acknowledged your disabled grandson will never work, needs full-time care and support etc., and yet you are using this as a reason for him not to inherit, or just inherit a token amount? I'd have thought it would be the opposite? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 25/08/2023 16:43

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 15:51

he may have a perfectly sound reason.

Show quote history

He definitely did.

His GM, by her own admission, didn't bother to see much of him or build a relationship when he was a child because he lived a massive 40 miles away.

Would you invite a GM who didn't bother with you to your wedding?

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 16:44

(A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.)

This is just awful. I can't get beyond this to be honest.
How do you think he is going to go on holiday if carers are not with him? And why do you think carers should pay out of pocket to go on holiday with him? You do realize it isn't a holiday for them because they will have to care for him, 24/7 presumably.

Sounds like you want people to justify you leaving the vast majority of the money to your granddaughter, and giving token amounts to the others.
I mean you can do what you like with your money, but the fairest thing to do would be to split it equally between the 3 grandkids.
Or split it between your sons.

Or just piss it all up the wall so it doesn't get wasted by some carers having a jolly on a fancy holiday...
Ridiculous attitude towards the carers.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 25/08/2023 16:44

Your grandson who cannot live independently really has no need for a vast amount of inheritance.

Yeah, fuck him. People with learning disabilities don't need holidays or nice things, do they?

cruisecrazy · 25/08/2023 16:45

If I were your grandchild I would not want your money. What a bitter outlook on life you have. As for paying for a carer to take your grandson on holiday, words fail me.

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 16:46

Psm92 · 25/08/2023 16:43

It seems to me quite odd - and potentially cruel - that you yourself have acknowledged your disabled grandson will never work, needs full-time care and support etc., and yet you are using this as a reason for him not to inherit, or just inherit a token amount? I'd have thought it would be the opposite? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Yes, you usually see the opposite on here - people asking whether it's ok to leave more money to a disabled child or grandson than their siblings because the disabled person needs it more due to not being able to work and needing full-time care.

Notooserious · 25/08/2023 16:47

I have no words for how unpleasant you sound towards your grandson with disabilities. I hope you tell your sons in advance about your charming plans so they can cut you out of their lives now.

KittyKingdom · 25/08/2023 16:48

I think you should leave the money to whomever you want. You earned it you shouldn’t be made to feel bad because you have an opinion on where you want it to go. It’s just the same as if you wanted to spend it all on a holiday or Lamborghini. I would say though that the opinion and treatment of you by your grandchildren will have been instilled in them through their formative years by their parents so maybe there may still be a chance of reconciliation with the boy. I’m sorry you weren’t invited to the wedding that is really bad and hard to recover from but with the assumption that he’s married so no longer lives with his parents there is space to show him who you actually are.

Burningthroughthesky · 25/08/2023 16:49

Sounds like the grandson who lives a whole 40 miles away has made a wise choice.