Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

I think the previous poster was right and share it all equally amongst your sons.

No reply to the query about how your disabled grandchild is meant to go on holiday without a carer, or whether the carer is meant to fund their costs from their minimum wage job?

It's very telling isn't it@mycoffeecup. I'd be no contact with any grandparent who was as unpleasant as @GloriaVictoria.

Do we know the carer is employed? Maybe the carer is OP’s son and she doesn’t trust him.

The OP's first post says: "DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation."

The 'supported' part means he gets care there.

She said “his carers” - it would be downright bizarre if she referred to her own child in that way.

Plus it would have added weight to her wanting to cut the disabled GS out if she said that his parents would mismanage the money. Rather than that she objected to paying for carers

For those saying that the grandchildren did not control the relationship that they had as children with the grandparents, that did not stop the grandchildren from developing relationships as they reached adulthood

And how many people, knowing their grandparent made no effort to know them as a child, would want to risk the potential rejection they could face as an adult?

OP, what an uncomfortable post to read. It doesn't strike me as at all normal to want to discriminate between your grandchildren and it would be very cruel to do so. Better to leave it all to the cats than to leave your learning disabled GS a 'token amount'!

And what the hell do you think someone like him is meant to do if he's unable to go on holiday by himself but there wouldn't be money forthcoming to pay the people who look after him, to take him? That is an utterly shitty attitude and I can't understand how you have so little compassion and understanding of his situation. It might seem as if he has less to spend money on but if he needs carers, maybe specialist equipment, therapies etc - believe me, he can spend it! Or it can be spent for him by his trustees. Or no, maybe he doesn't deserve it and it's just too complicated.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind to leave your money to one out of three of your grandkids and they will not love you for it. What a legacy to leave behind - family ructions and bad feelings.

@GlomOfNit
How can you say with any certainty how her granddaughter will feel? Is it possible that she may have felt pain and sadness to see her grandmother ignored by her cousin ?

Is it not possible that the cousin by his actions was saying that he had nothing to give to the grandmother and in return wanted nothing from her?

I always think wills that share money unequally seem very spiteful and cause a huge amount of pain (from observing the experience of acquaintances). My dear mother was always very vocal about this and was always scrupulously fair both in life and death and commanded huge respect for it.

I cannot understand the idea of leaving less to someone with special needs! Surely their need is clear. I agree with leaving it to the sons. Maybe you could give some special mementos to each so you feel that you've made your preferences clear.

@Bouledeneige
In the US people with special needs receive Benefits based upon their income and resources. If they have received funds from other sources that can result in a loss or reduction of Benefit eligibility. That means what on the surface would look like a kindness actually becomes a negative because it causes no real gain and is disruptive of a process upon which the disabled person is dependent upon for life time support.

Not every seeming kindness results in a positive impact for the disabled. The act may make the person providing the inheritance feel good , but depending upon the nature and type of the disability , the recipient may be totally unaware of the death of the relative or the inheritance and yet they experience the loss or disruption of benefits resulting from the misguided actions.

It is critical that a Benefits Specialist be consulted to determine the possible impact of the proposed gift.

As for other beneficiaries, the giving should be based upon the feelings of the donor rather than upon the expectations of the recipient. If happiness or harmonious relationship in your family is dependent upon your receiving resources to which you have no entitlement and have done nothing to earn, then you might be better served working to improve your family interactions rather than waiting around for death benefits that you are not owed.

I am probably of a similar age to the OP. DH and I have written our will and although my first feelings was to show favouritism to one branch of the family I didn’t. As it happens I have become closer to the children of the original non-favourite family. So you never know what is around the corner. I now realise that there is a huge risk of causing resentment in a family once a will is read.

I know that skipping generations is not uncommon, I certainly agree that the younger generation might be better placed to use an inheritance wisely even if it is only to pay off their uni loan.

I think the OP should really be talking to their lawyer about what percentages to bequest. This could mean sharing money between children AND grandchildren. They may also consider a trust fund for the disabled child. Perhaps the lawyer could help write a letter to accompany the will to explain why the money has be shared that way.

Sharing of wealth is so fraught with difficulty.

Having worked in social housing and supporting residents with severe - mild LD, I would say to offer to buy him things now to make his life more comfortable or spend time with him and yes a token gift in the will to buy something specific…. If paying for a holiday you absolutely have to pay for the worker(s) too…. Believe me this is not a holiday for the staff, it’s hard work going away with residents and leaving your own family for a week!! Given the choice I’d never take a resident on ‘holiday’…. The home can’t afford to pay for staff to go away & also cover their absense at the home… we didn’t even get paid extra for working 168 hours straight… got our usual 40 hours plus sleepover and the rest we had to take as TOIL. Which they only gave us something like 3 days..
As for the grandchild you don’t see…. 40 miles away??? FORTY??? That’s nothing? Why didn’t you go visit and build a relationship ? Seems very odd… but also not inviting you to their wedding etc is very low…. That said my inlaws live 300 miles away and haven’t even met their GD… but that’s their choice not hers! I’d say the poor relationship between you and your grandchild is your fault unless your child prevented visits??

HOWEVER @GloriaVictoria your WILL is no one else’s business…. It is also YOUR money and you can spend it in life however you wish and you can also spend/leave YOUR money in death however you wish! You don’t have to leave anyone money if you choose not to… my own grandmother has disinherited her daughter & all of her daughters children! Leaving it all to her other children… up to her!…. I hate that people feel ‘entitled’ to something they themselves haven’t earnt! My cousin is pretty wealthy… she’s not leaving her wealth to any family, all going to her chosen charities. She’s worked hard to achieve her wealth, my view is it’s up to people who and where their money goes after their death…
I wouldn’t discuss this with them though, just do as you wish in your will and rest in peace knowing you won’t be here to see any complaints!
you will need to leave everyone something though I believe in order to stop them contesting that you simply forgot them!… or write in the will clear reasons stating why they get nothing ‘I leave Billy my Grandson nothing because he has never kept contact and didn’t include me in major family events’ sort of thing!

I'd spend it and enjoy it whilst you are alive... Perhaps with the favourite Grand child!

The hurt caused by unfair wills can be long lasting and cause rifts . You won’t be around to witness that but you can prevent it happening . The kindest thing is either to leave it to your sons who can vary your will if they don’t need the money or to share it equally with all your grandchildren irrespective of your personal relationship with them. To not share it equally with your differently abled grandchild is totally discriminatory . You don’t get a say in how a gift of money will be spent especially after you are dead !

The is issue of how to treat a disabled child in a will is complex - and a lot will depend on how disabled and what might they be able to do with the money that they couldn't do otherwise. Would they get more holidays if you left them the money? Would they enjoy the holidays? Some levels of disability mean that holidays are simply more trouble than they are worth.

In our case we took the rather heartbreaking decision to cut our disabled child out of the will for the following reasons:
a) the trust system seems very complex, and (actually, expensive as it needs to be paid for every year) and it would mean our two other children would be burdened with the continued management of it once both I and DH are gone (we have nobody else to be executors) - as we are leaving our full estate to the other, the situation is only when both of us are gone;
b) our disabled DS has a life limiting condition, and was never expected to get to his current age. It is therefore still quite likely that he will die before us, and well before the others. Collapsing the trust also seems complicated, and there seems to be a risk of double inheritance tax.

c) while what we have to leave might well seriously help our other two children - ie allow them to buy rather than rent, realistically the level of need of our disabled DS is so great, that it doesn't feel like it would go very far in terms of his care. The only way his care is affordable is because once he turned 18, the NHS stepped in with fulltime nursing care (before that, of course, we did most of it - parents of course being allowed to do all sorts of hours that you can't allow professional staff to do, including high level medical care with limited training). It is amazing that we live in a country where post 18 he is looked after, and that stretches to care for someone like him - but I can't think of anything that our money would buy that would give him anything more than what he has already from the NHS. Certainly that he would notice.
e) his level of comprehension of such matters is virtually non existent (ie he recognises us, his name where he is, that people are making a fuss of him a few changes in his environment, and that is about it). He would have absolutely no idea he has been treated fairly or unfairly vis a vis his siblings and there would be no way of making him have any inkling.

So, after the death of the other spouse, we have made the mirror wills simply to split the estate between our two "normal" children. We have specifically said at the end of the will that we hope and expect that they will do what they can for him to the extent he needs it (which I fully believe they will, they might fight each other, but they are united in their love of this DS). But I see that more as overseeing his constant health needs, and his care (in case either of those deteriorate, as they may well, one needs to be pretty vigilant), and fighting for what he needs ie time rather than money. I am sorry to leave them with that responsiblity, but as mentioned, there is simply nobody else, and arguably we are at least somewhat paying them for that by cutting him out of the will. That is how I can best see it, anway.

This.

The carer will be working looking after your grandchild.

Making sure thry are safe and looked after.

Your attitude shows lack of understanding and is pathetic.

@Wannago

A discretionary trust isn't remotely complicated and doesn't cost money annually, no idea where you got that from. Currently we're the trustees of ours, we just pay for extras needed for disabled DS. His brother will be trustee when we're gone but again won't be any more hassle than signing a cheque.
Not saying you should change, just puzzled by that statement..🤔

Agree , so how does the GS benefit because there won't be a holiday?

In the US people with special needs receive Benefits based upon their income and resources. If they have received funds from other sources that can result in a loss or reduction of Benefit eligibility. That means what on the surface would look like a kindness actually becomes a negative because it causes no real gain and is disruptive of a process upon which the disabled person is dependent upon for life time support.

Fair enough but the OPs original post didn't even consider this kind of situation. She just said she didn't want it to be used for carers to go on holiday with the disabled GC, seemingly oblivious to the fact he almost certainly couldn't go on his own!

Divide it equally, OP.

The child with special needs surely could use the money more than the other two as their care is expensive.

I expect that if the estranged child didn’t invite you to their wedding, it’s because they think you aren’t interested in them and don’t want a relationship. 40 miles is nothing!! Work on building that relationship and then surprise them with your fair-handedness when you die.

If you leave it all to your granddaughter, she is the one who will be at the center of a bitter family fallout when you die. Do you really want to saddle her with that.

My grandmother did similar to what you're thinking of doing in her will. She didn't get on with my mother, my aunt did a lot of caring for her, and my grandmother left everything to her and my cousin.
My mother had only just got to a point of being on civil terms with my aunt, but the will blew all of that apart. In spectacular vicious style. She fell out with me too because I refused to go along with my grandmother having been coerced and contesting the will etc etc.
For me, the worst fall out from it was that my cousin now actively avoids any contact with me, so I've lost that relationship too (because if you get left a house and you know your cousin got nothing, that's awkward, right?)
It sounds as though the married grandson has been affected by your being estranged from his father, in that he doesn't have a relationship with you, and probably doesn't know where to start, and if you leave him out of your will it feels like you're punishing him 'for the sins of the father'. Maybe writing to him and inviting him and his family to come visit you would be something in helping that along?
If you do decide to leave things unevenly to your grandchildren, just be aware that your actions could well rock or destroy the relationship that the cousins have.

For example (this is from some random solicitor's website):

"Yearly reviewAt least once a year the Trustees need to review matters such as:

• The investment strategy;
• The needs of the beneficiaries;
• How they have used assets over the past year and how they will be using them over the next year;
• Tax Return(s);
• Preparing Trust accounts;
• Updating the Trust Register; and
• Making sure all legal papers are in order.

Getting assets out of the TrustAt any time when assets are to come out of the Trust the Trustees need to:

• Document the request received for assets to be used or applied for the benefit of a beneficiary;
• Consider it, make a decision and log this decision on a Trustees’ Resolution; and
• Complete a Deed of Appointment to get assets out of the Trust to be used for the benefit of any beneficiaries."

We do all this without needing any of the paperwork for our DS now (although he really needs very little money, mostly clothes - it is more the time of all the constant reviews and medical appointments and wheelchair appointments, not to mention physically checking up on him, because while he is in a lovely nursing home at the moment, I am not confident that this will always remain the case. He has absolutely no protection if somebody did try and abuse him in any way - and he is a very handsome young man - just the intellectual level of a 3 month baby, if that, fully wheelchair bound, floppy, and lots of epileptic fitting, etc etc).

I thought you had to keep reporting to HMRC to show the trust was being run properly. Do you not? While either me or my DH are alive, we really don't need any of this.

And then:

"Most trusts are liable to pay Inheritance tax every ten years (an ‘anniversary charge’) and when assets leave the trust (an ‘exit charge’). Disabled trusts are not subject to these charges. On the death of the disabled person, the trust property is treated as being owned by them. If the disabled person’s estate exceeds £325,000, there will be an Inheritance tax charge of 40% on anything over and above this amount."

Given that he is still likely to die before either of us or his siblings, why would I want to get into double dipping the inheritance tax?

And to me, it is much more important that his siblings keep an eye on the level of care he is getting, and watch out for neglect or abuse or anything than that he gets money which would not be enough to actually pay for his care for very long. I want whatever time they have to spare for him to be focused on that, rather than admin.

Whatever the reasons are, they’ll have some thoughts on it - as will your sons. Don’t risk a rift. Leave it to your sons to then pass down as they feel appropriate.