Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
2weekstowait · 25/08/2023 14:51

The money left to your grandchild in supported living will make his life nicer so why wouldn't you leave him the same amount? As for paying for the carer, that is the difference between your grandson getting to experience a lovely holiday or not. Or perhaps he would like to use the money for different accommodation at some point in the future. Just because he isn't going to go out and get a 'normal' house doesn't mean he wouldn't benefit from the inheritance. Of course, it's your granddaughter, his sister, who has the ability to earn her own money to support herself, if you wanted to turn it around...

As for the one you don't see - 40 miles is nothing and why didn't you see him growing up? Suspect that either you are not close to his father, your son, or you didn't want to make the effort. Either way, it's hardly the fault of a child that he grew up not really knowing you. And because he never saw you when he was a child, he probably felt weird suddenly forming a relationship when he was older.

As for the money - leave it all to your sons with a token amount for your grandchildren, or leave equal amounts to your grandchildren. It's the only fair way.

Sahara123 · 25/08/2023 14:52

I can’t get past the not paying for carers either . I suspect you have no idea how hard it is physically and emotionally to care . I have a severely disabled adult daughter, after 30 plus years we finally have a wonderful respite carer that I trust implicitly. It’s good for my daughter to be away from me , and is very much needed for my husband and myself.
Leave it to your own children and let them decide what to do .

saoirse31 · 25/08/2023 14:54

Id leave it to all of your sons or all of your grandsons or maybe split it equally between all of your sons and grandsons. To do anything else is hugely unfair especially when there doesn't honestly seem to be any reason to discriminate.

takealettermsjones · 25/08/2023 14:55

I honestly thought you were going to say you wanted to leave more to the DGS with disabilities, because he will always have additional expenses such as carers etc.

Sahara123 · 25/08/2023 14:55

Just be careful leaving money to your disabled grandson, it may well affect his benefits and care provision. Although I imagine that’s why you’re thinking of a trust

UntidyFairy · 25/08/2023 14:56

Leaving the money to your two sons is the most fair and sensible thing to do.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 25/08/2023 14:59

Oh no, it all has to be shared out equally in my mind ☺️ it's up to them what they use the money for.

Tiespin · 25/08/2023 15:00

My brother is disabled and goes on holidays for people with learning disabilities. I paid £2,500 for five days in Yorkshire for him this year. These kind of holidays are not cheap..

Taxiii · 25/08/2023 15:01

I think you should consider what you want your legacy to be really.

A) Resentment & family fall outs; or

B) standard carve up of 50/50 to your children to distribute as they see fit, or with an additional small pot for grandchildren/great grandchildren.

AnIndianWoman · 25/08/2023 15:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Ineedasitdown · 25/08/2023 15:05

I hope your poor dss aren’t running around after you.

I think skipping a generation to leave very unequally to dgs is a corrosive and horrible thing to do. You will cause no end of problems and resentment. Although i suspect the dgs who has no relationship with you already has your card marked. This isn’t coming from a good place op. Too many caveats in it. Leave it all to the cats home and piss everyone off equally.

watermeloncougar · 25/08/2023 15:10

@Taxiii well said.
If you don't want to treat your family equitably OP, then it's up to you. You sound like a right piece of work though Confused

Snugglemonkey · 25/08/2023 15:11

Ponderingwindow · 25/08/2023 14:24

If your grandson needs a caregiver in order to travel, then preventing funds from being used for that purpose is just spiteful.

you won’t be around to deal with the fallout of giving disparate amounts to your grandchildren, but there will be fallout. This kind of thing causes huge problems.

Uneven giving can make sense if one recipient has profound need, but otherwise it is going to just cause pain for everyone involved.

you are likely better off just splitting the money evenly between your children instead. Alternatively, give the money to charity. Just don’t proceed with your current plan.

This. Your current plan is nasty. If I were your child or grandchild, I would never forgive you. Even if I got the money.

UseOfWeapons · 25/08/2023 15:11

It's your money, do what you want with it.
Put it this way - if you were to die tomorrow, what would you like to happen to your estate?
If you are stuck, leave it to a charity of your choice. That way, no one will feel they have been advantaged.

HamishTheCamel · 25/08/2023 15:13

This is complicated. It's your decision of course, but I agree with previous posters that leaving it to your sons seems the best way of not causing family strife.

budgiegirl · 25/08/2023 15:16

Either leave it to your sons equally, or leave it to your grandchildren equally.

Surely your grandchild who has learning difficulties would need the money more, not less? Either way, unless you split it equally, you will only cause a great deal of upset after you are gone.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2023 15:17

I dont think that the Trustee would be allowed to spend the money on non sensible things? A solicitor would be able to advise.
And a holiday for someone who is in full time care, seems like it could be a really good life experience for them. For the kind of holiday they'd need, transport, faciltites and carer - I don't think £1000 will go far.

With regard to leaving it to some and not others- it could leave the family very hurt and divided. The grandson you didn't see when younger for example... may have felt left out - it wasn't his fault... then he's cut out of the will.. unintentionally that may really hurt. How will your sons feel if they are excluded?

I feel that bequests are there for emergencies, health, helping to buy a home, or to help children when needed.
Your sons are only in their fifties, so if they have it they will be around a lot longer to make sure they share it out at the right time to the GC and to make sure its used sensibly. Presumably the one who has an adult child in care, could do with at least some financial help.
Another thought is that whilst one may currently be better off than another, there's no guarantee that a job loss or ill health could affect that situation. So thinking of the long term leaving it equally divided is fairer and would help with that. Perhaps leaving it equally to them, with some equal smaller cash sums for the grandchildren would be the fairest way in the long run.

Only you know the full story and why you don't want to leave it to your sons or two of your 3 grandchildren , so only you can really judge.

It's your money to do as you wish with but the current plan of only giving it to the ones you like the most, could possibly be leaving a legacy of family division.

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/08/2023 15:17

I'm amazed you don't want to leave any to your sons. I would leave the majority to them and a token amount to the grandchildren. Hopefully it will filter down to them in time. I think that would cause a massive amount of upset. It's not just the money it's the emotions tied up with it.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 25/08/2023 15:18

Taxiii · 25/08/2023 15:01

I think you should consider what you want your legacy to be really.

A) Resentment & family fall outs; or

B) standard carve up of 50/50 to your children to distribute as they see fit, or with an additional small pot for grandchildren/great grandchildren.

Yep - I think most reasonable and rational people would pick B OP. Interesting that you'd go for A. Also interesting that you said "please be gentle" - it suggests you have some insight into your unusual and possibly quite hurtful decision-making process.

ditalini · 25/08/2023 15:19

Thinking about this (as I have an uncle who, when in his cups, muses about who he'll leave his money to and especially who he'll be leaving out), the first thing I'd do with my inheritance if I was your granddaughter is to gift 2/3 of it to my cousins as I'd value the relationships over the money.

Checkcurtains · 25/08/2023 15:20

Your money. Leave whatever you want to whoever you want

Notonthestairs · 25/08/2023 15:21

Interesting that you asked should be treated gently.

You only want to leave a token amount for your disabled grandchild, cut another one altogether and skip a generation.

Not exactly going gently on your own family are you?

Peakypolly · 25/08/2023 15:22

It is not the fault of the grandchild you don't see that you aren't close to them
They are adult, so they are free to visit their grandparent whenever they wish. They choose not too.
It is your money to do what you will with, but uneven distribution will certainly lead to bad feelings. You will be dead, so maybe you don't mind about this - your prerogative.
How about leaving a generous amount to a service your disabled GS uses? And a lump sum for him to use as he wishes.
One of my DD's does considerably more for her GP than the other grandchildren but I know the estate is being split equally.

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 15:23

A token £1K to your grandson with special needs and a hefty chunk to his sister?

Yikes.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 25/08/2023 15:23

Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other

Isn't that your fault not his? I grew up in a series of different countries to my grandmothers yet I had a relationship with both by adulthood. When I was very small, they wrote letters and sent postcards regularly. When I was older I wrote back and went to stay on my own.

I'd divide it equally personally.