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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 25/08/2023 15:24

I think leave it to your sons who can dole it out to their kids as they see fit whilst alive and then pass it on to the next generation when they die. That’s what we do in our family and doing something different would be seen as very unfair/divisive.

I’d be very offended if my parents decided to skip a generation to be honest.

CuriousGeorge80 · 25/08/2023 15:25

This cannot be real! Will wait to see how long it takes to disappear!

Curseofthenation · 25/08/2023 15:25

I would probably give the disabled GC 20% of the estate for nice holidays and treats if you really want to stick to this plan. I'd split the rest between the other two GC.

You obviously need to make your two sons aware in advance that you plan to give the majority of your estate to them. If it doesn't go down well, the resentment should be aimed at you and not your GC.

Are both of your sons comfortable? Will they be able to retire at a reasonable age and have they paid their mortgages off? If not, I would leave it to your sons. In the meantime, I would provide heavy financial support to my GC while I am living where possible. You'll get to see them enjoy it and avoid the dreaded inheritance tax if applicable.

Winter2020 · 25/08/2023 15:29

I have a child with autism that is largely non verbal and if his grandparents left their money between the other grandchildren leaving him out or leaving him a "token" amount I would be devastated/raging.

The first thing I would do would be even things up. Using my own will if I could not afford to even things up before. Yes money might be better left in some sort of trust but leaving him out because they can't be bothered is unforgivable.

Elfandwellbeing · 25/08/2023 15:30

I think you are trying to be a little bit controlling tbh. You can’t control what people spend money on. Not leaving to grandchild with additional needs is disgusting, so because they need support they should not benefit in your will. Hmmm I can’t imagine how that will feel for them.

tootyflooty · 25/08/2023 15:30

I think it would be fairer to split 50/50 with your two sons, with an accompanying letter held with the will saying you would like them to distribute a portion to their children as they see fit once they are in reciept of the funds. Explain in the letter you wanted your estate to go to the dgc but you felt the parents better placed to decide how they distribute to their own children. but that you would like them to have it now or at a time in their lives when it would be most useful to them.

AffableApple · 25/08/2023 15:30

This is hilariously awful and cannot be real.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/08/2023 15:30

It’s your money, OP. As long as you live in England or Wales, you can do as you please.

I would just keep it to yourself, though, and make sure that you have non familial executors.

CherryMaDeara · 25/08/2023 15:33

Who is the trustee for the DGS with learning difficulties? Do you trust them? Could you ask for the trustee to be someone you trust like a parent?

LondonLovie · 25/08/2023 15:35

I agree this has to be a wind up, no one would really so openly discriminated against a person with special needs, particularly a blood relation!

If it is real OP, you'll definitely go out with a bang! You'll be talked about for years to come as the unfair bitch who left it all to the favourites!! Grin

JenniferBarkley · 25/08/2023 15:35

Usually when there's an uneven inheritance due to disability, it's to give the person with additional needs more so that they can secure their future. Not less.

firestarter2023 · 25/08/2023 15:37

Morals are irrelevant really, it's your choice. Leave the money to whoever you want.

You'll be dead so the fall out won't be your problem

shelbaby · 25/08/2023 15:37

It's difficult and I can see you want the money to go to the kids your close to and help one of them starting out in life.

Honestly I think your family will be rather upset. If it's important that you don't want to cause upset, you could just leave to your children and let them decide how best to help the kids.

You could still leave the grandkids a grand or a few thousand each.

My grandparents on both sides only left everything to their kids directly. Grandkids got nothing. All families involved had different amounts of kids too and it was up to them if they then passed some on.

Same when we inherited from my in law. Grandkids weren't included which was good as one of them wasn't even born yet so if they had included the grandkids one wld have been left out as jot born before they died.

Greetingsfellows · 25/08/2023 15:38

It's YOUR money. You leave it to whomever you want to. Yes, it may cause problems between those left behind (I've seen plenty of examples of that) so it's worth factoring that in to your decision making to make sure that you're comfortable with the potential outcome but if you reach the same conclusion, that's okay.

No one is entitled to your money just because they are related to you and if they have a problem with that, tough. I say that as someone who was left a token amount in a will (similar to what you are thinking about leaving) and it didn't cause a rift between me and the person who inherited the vast amount (including a house!) Why? Because I never saw any of it as something I was 'entitled' to and wanted the writer of the will to have their wishes fulfilled. Incidentally, when this bereavement took place, I had about £500 in the bank and no property/assets/partner and a fairly modest income. My view isn't shaped by the fact I was financially comfortable at the time because I wasn't.

letmesailletmesail · 25/08/2023 15:39

I was expecting you to say that you were going to leave it all to the disabled grandchild to ensure that they can live as independently as possible and have as much support as they need without having to worry about what provision they'll get from the state.

Merapi · 25/08/2023 15:39

Please be gentle.

Okay. Either you want to start (or perpetuate) a family feud when you're gone, or you don't. Either you want to make an additional provision in your will to help support one person with significant disabilities which prevent them from living a normal life, or you don't. Have a think about that for a while.

In your shoes, I would make a specific provision in trust (to be administered by a solicitor) of a large-ish sum for the DGC with learning difficulties, and then divide the rest equally between all the grandchildren. (The proportion to the DGC above could be added to the trust in their name).

Or you could leave the whole lot to charity - possibly one which supports young people with disabilities in supported living. Or Battersea Dogs' Home, whatever.

But don't make it unfair.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 25/08/2023 15:40

Your money your choice, make sure your will is watertight though because they can be challenged and when this happens the winners are usually the lawyers.

Cosyblankets · 25/08/2023 15:40

I thought this was going to say you were leaving more to the one with additional needs.

ChristyBurlington · 25/08/2023 15:40

What a lovely way to create a massive rift within the family OP-that's a great legacy to leave.

And of course your grandson's carers would need to accompany him-how else would he be able to go on holiday? In terms of your estranged grandson, maybe he's sussed you out and doesn't want to have a relationship with you as a result?

Clefable · 25/08/2023 15:40

40 miles is a reason you weren't close???? Is this for real? Was it a typo for 4000 miles?!

If this is genuine, being 40 miles apart is not a reason for grandparents not to be close to their grandchildren, no.

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 15:42

Peculiar that a grandson, even one who didn't see his grandmother all that frequently, would exclude her from his wedding and his children's christenings. I wonder what he would say if asked...

HamBone · 25/08/2023 15:42

Honestly, I’d leave it split evenly between your two sons and they can help their children as needed. What you’re suggesting is going to cause issues.

Re. The GC you don’t see. My in-laws might say that my teenaged DC don’t make a huge effort with them….because they made so little effort to spend time with them growing up. You may have reaped what you sowed in the past. Unless there’s a backstory.

C0NNIE · 25/08/2023 15:43

A very wise post from @user76541055773 .

Summerbay23 · 25/08/2023 15:44

I think it really depends on how much you’re talking about? If you can afford it I’d treat all grandkids equally and give them say £5k or £10k each. I’d split the rest equally between your children trusting that they will in turn help their own children out if they don’t need the money. I would definitely treat everyone equally though.

TaniaBania · 25/08/2023 15:44

This will come across as a big "fuck you" to your family and they will all hate you, including the DGC who gets more than their share.- who wants to be put in this position?

If you don't want to cause upset, just leave it split equally between your children, perhaps with a small cash gift for each DGC. Your children can always vary the will to give more to the DGC.