Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

The op doesn’t sound like an involved mum or grandmother. If she did she would realise the person she wants to leave less money is the one needing it the most . Money can be left in a trust so it doesn’t affect benefits .

Yes, exactly this. Nor would she have allowed a relationship with a Grandchild to slide because he lived 40 miles away, and then consider writing him out of his will, even though they haven't actually fallen out. It seems like a final act of malice. I hope the OP doesn't intend it that way and just hasn't thought it through clearly...

Don't you want your final act to be one of love, kindness and forgiveness (if needed) for not being invited to the wedding of a grandchild with whom you seemingly made no effort to cultivate a relationship?

You must leave money to whoever you wish to thats what a will is for. I am not leaving a penny to my daughter just a letter. I will make sure there is not much to leave and what thete is goes to my beloved granddaughter. Not to someone i dont want to have it

This is just lovely.

We have been on the receiving end of a nasry, spiteful will such as the one you are planning. My MIL actively chose not to have a relationship with our DC's, despite always being imade welcome in our home and being invited to every event in their lives - birthdays, prize-givings, Christmas, you name it and she was invited. Not once did she ever accept. Not once. Gradually, they stopped sharing important stuff with her because she made it very clear she wasn't interested. Never once did they ignore her, always tried to include her. When she does, she cut them out of her will because she 'had no relationship with them'. But that was entirely her choice. We, and they tried so hard to encourage a relationship. Her other GC inherited life-changing sums of money. Ours didn't get a penny and she also told lies to her other DC to justify what she did (one of them was present when she made the will). My DH was able to show that she had lied about some things which then also cast doubt about other things she said, things we knew to be untrue but not provable. The damage her spitefulness has done is to my lovely DH. He was alway a good son and never gave up helping her and being there for her. The shock and devastation she caused him has been indescribable. He cannot understand how she could do something so nasry, something she knew would cause him distress - to see his DC's wilfully and spitefully ignored for no good reason. He used to love his mother but now he hates her for what she did. He won't speak about her and shuts down any conversation that his siblings start which includes her. Even sadder is that going forward no happy family stories will include her as my DC simply do not have those memories of her and as they are the only ones of her GC with DC of their own, and none likely from her other GC, the only family memory of her will be of her spitefulness. What a legacy.

It's your money, leave it to who you would like to. Don't feel pressured because it's not usual or what's expected. Make your solicitor the executor so it's not a family member who has to carry out your wishes and risk upsetting others.

Personally if I had excluded or not sort a relationship with a family member I would not expect to be included in their will.

Alternatively spend it all then they'll be no arguments!

Why would you want life changing sums of money from someone who didn't like your children and wasn't interested in them?

Because money’s money, regardless of the source. It’s not tainted because it once belonged to a nasty person.

Having been a carer in the circumstances you describe I can confirm that a holiday is not a jolly it’s just work in a different environment and as a result, generally much harder for said carer.

Regarding the other GS, you just sound like you haven’t bothered to build a relationship so why on earth would he bother now as an adult. My own DC are be in the same situation with at least one of their grandparents and I wouldn’t push them to make an effort, it wouldn’t be appreciated.

It sounds as though you have a favourite GC and it will come as no surprise to anyone.

@AndyPandyismyhero that is such a sad story.

And some of the other stories on this thread, so sad too. I can’t find it now but the one where the DGC who though had a good relationship with DHP was left £1 with no reason, and now has no way to ever find out what was wrong with the relationship. I can imagine that haunts a person forever, and has implications for other relationships even into the future.

The (relatively few) posters saying “leave your money to who you want, you won’t have to deal with the repercussions” - I wonder if they have read these stories and understand what those repercussions are? For example, all the people who have commented that they were actually the favoured beneficiary, and yet still the heartache and pain that it caused them.

I very much believe that it’s not about the money, but about the spite and malice of deliberately excluding someone from a will. Particularly if it is done without even having the basic human decency to explain it to the affected people, while still alive to answer questions and deal with the fall out.

It's not about the amount of money, it's about the very public expression of her feelings towards some of her grandchildren, when she had no reason at all other than sheer nastiness.

For the people who say just put it in a Trust, there are tax implications of doing so and a lot of the money gets eaten up in legal fees. It isn’t as simple as just putting it in a Trust.

Best way to deal with it is to talk to children beforehand. They know the circumstances more and would be better and guiding you.

Someone I know was the only grandchild to receive an inheritance from a grandparent. There were 6 grandchildren but she was the only one who visited/helped with housework or shopping/took her for days out.
Yes it did cause a few problems with her family (as far as I know they're all back on good terms) but you reap what you sow.

I worked in law and have typed up many wills! You need to see a solicitor. Organise a trust fund for your disabled DGS. That way it can contribute to making his life just that little bit better. As for the grandson who has nothing to do with you why leave him anything ? He’s made it clear you’re not part of his life - give his share to people who do care about you

As for the grandson who has nothing to do with you why leave him anything ? He’s made it clear you’re not part of his life - give his share to people who do care about you.

No, OP made it clear how she felt about him when she, as the adult in the relationship, chose to have no relationship with him because he lived 40 miles away when a child. He may care very deeply, and be saddened that he was never given the chance to show that. I can completely understand that having been rejected by op as a child, he would not choose to pursue it as an adult and potentially be rejected all over again.
As a grandparent myself, I cannot imagine doing that to my grandchild, even if there were problems between me and my DC, they would not be the fault if the GC and I would not be so willing to write them off as op has done.

Similar in my family, when my great uncle favoured my DM and her DC one being me very favouring with a life changing inheritance (leaving out or leaving token amounts or lesser but still good amounts to his DB (my grandad) and his nieces). Grandad as uncle’s younger DB expected to be left his house (very nice country abode) but this was sold to close family friends of uncle on his will wishes). Grandad could’ve bought his house when younger but was unhappily married and spent most of his life/money in the local pub. All this re uncle’s will stoked up unsaid resentment from DM’s younger half sister and her DH who no one ever liked, he was nasty and dangerous but we kept him at arms length. Grandad did speak up and got angry about it though, long story. Evil uncle did say or insinuated a few things about the will but this then spilled over when my grandfather died (intestate, death bed will) and my nana (DM’s DM) was the executor of his will (they’d long divorced but had my DM as their sole child). It all got very messy and culminated in a court case brought by evil uncle and my nana was so incensed she spoke to one of her best friends who had gangland confections as she wanted a hit man to murder him (I really wish I was joking!) but me, DM, nana and her best friend were all there when she asked this). Nana was very wealthy but thank god we all including her best friend talked her out of it. We did want evil uncle dead though!

Now years on both my aunts don’t speak, there was a huge fallout over/after my grandfather’s death and what happened with their DM afterwards - they did speak and were in contact when younger) but the No will (it was actually a deathbed will now I remember). All totally dramatic, both sisters will never speak again, luckily one sister divorced evil uncle and I think regrets some of her life with him
bit damage has been done.

This is mostly down to wills/wishes. The thing is… if grandad had been left the lovely country abode then the sisters (his DD’s) would be fighting over that too.

Moral of the story, try to be fair all round.

What stands out from all of these stories ja that it's not about the money for its own sake. The money is symbolic of love and care. The will is the final proof that the deceased didn't give a shit about their child/grandchild. It's the final confirmation that the deceased was happy to intentionally cause them pain and distress. The cowardice and malice of a parent who would actually lie about their child to their siblings in order to 'justify' cutting them out is appalling.

Anyone with an ounce of empathy can see that surely? The money is just the demonstration of the hatred and bitterness the parent/grandparent feels towards their child/grandchild, and that is a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of.

^ all of which makes it clear that the OP's plans are obviously intended as a final "fuck you" to the son who went no contact with her, the father of the unflavoured GC.

The cruelty of being unwilling to fund a carer to enable her disabled GC to have a holiday shows her mindset clearly, and it explains her wish to use her will as a "fuck you". It takes a certain kind of person to do that.

^ unfavoured! Not unflavoured

My Dh doesn't speak to his dad anymore. We are 250 miles away and have a dd so by default she isn't close to her grandpa.

We aren't expecting (or want) any inheritance from him but why should dd get less than her cousins? Any breakdown in relations had nothing to do with her and if she were to marry he couldn't really come anyway.

I do take her to visit him when we visit friends and other family members but they'll never have a close relationship. He never asks how she's getting on at school in general though. He's the one missing out though.

HRTWT, but I write as an adult child who was disinherited.

Firstly I’d say it’s your money and you can do what you like with it. What you can’t do is manage the fallout from a will that is perceived as unfair.

second, please be fair.

Third, to the benefactors (or those not benefiting) the inheritence doesn’t feel
like money, but love.

My DM disinherited me because in her view I didn’t need the money and I’d had more of her time. Of the 3 siblings I was the one closest to her and she was my best friend and my rock. Needless to say she is no longer my best friend or my rock. After a period of low contact she has now told me that she has reinstated me in her will. But who knows? What she has done is completely and irretrievably destroyed our relationship.

What stands out from all of these stories is that it's not about the money for its own sake. The money is symbolic of love and care. The will is the final proof that the deceased didn't give a shit about their child/grandchild. It's the final confirmation that the deceased was happy to intentionally cause them pain and distress. The cowardice and malice of a parent who would actually lie about their child to their siblings in order to 'justify' cutting them out is appalling

Anyone with an ounce of empathy can see that surely? The money is just the demonstration of the hatred and bitterness the parent/grandparent feels towards their child/grandchild, and that is a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of

These are very wise words, I’d urge @GloriaVictoria and the other posters who want to leave a “ Fuck you “ legacy to read it carefully and think again. And also read the post by @user76541055773 near the start of the thread .

If none of the amounts will be life changing then why not do what my grandparents did and give it before you die? We were all given $2k each while they were alive so we could enjoy it.

I do think yabvu about the carer comment. In order for that grandson to enjoy his inheritance it will be required to have a competent adult with him.

@QuickAnon123
Your advice to spend it on herself is good advice. The loving grandchildren will not be unhappy that gandma indulged herself , in many families she would be encouraged to do so. The entitled but undeserving will be unhappy with that strategy, but chances are they were never going to be happy with any solution that did not put money or resources into their grasping hands.

For those saying that the grandchildren did not control
the relationship that they had as children with the grandparents, that did not stop the grandchildren from developing relationships as they reached adulthood . Not many young adults seek parental permission to form relationships.