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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
McFlyFan · 26/08/2023 23:15

The comments about your grandson in supported living bothers me a great deal. I am a support worker and in fact I’m on ‘holiday’ with a person I support right now. It’s not a holiday for me. Early mornings, late nights etc. I’ve given up my only weekend off in 2 months to fetch him here so that he can experience new things and have a nice time where he isn’t stuck in his residential flat and can go out and have fun.

I’ve got another booked in next week. I can tell you now I don’t do it for the money because we’re not paid nearly enough. I do it because I want them to be happy.

Loulou560 · 26/08/2023 23:20

Hi OP. Not sure what the answer is for you, as nothings ever straightforward. All I can add is, my ex husband (1 of 3) was left a few hundred pounds when his Nan passed away along with one other brother. One brother however, was left thousands, and all three boys were close to the Nan. To this day, I can see the rift it caused in the family. Whenever they had an argument m, this same situation kept coming up. Their Nan unfortunately created a legacy of division.

Pupinski · 26/08/2023 23:21

McFlyFan · 26/08/2023 23:15

The comments about your grandson in supported living bothers me a great deal. I am a support worker and in fact I’m on ‘holiday’ with a person I support right now. It’s not a holiday for me. Early mornings, late nights etc. I’ve given up my only weekend off in 2 months to fetch him here so that he can experience new things and have a nice time where he isn’t stuck in his residential flat and can go out and have fun.

I’ve got another booked in next week. I can tell you now I don’t do it for the money because we’re not paid nearly enough. I do it because I want them to be happy.

Respect to you ❤️. That's more than this OP wants for her own grandchild by the sound of of it...

Winnipeg23 · 26/08/2023 23:26

Divide it equally. Job done.

Pupinski · 26/08/2023 23:26

ShellySarah · 26/08/2023 19:04

The GC who doesn't want a relationship should have made some attempt to see his grandmother in that case. He has nothing to complain about.

Show quote history

Sounds like the OP didn't make the effort to cultivate a relationship with her grandson when she was the responsible adult. Sounds like she's already failed this grandchild once, and is now planning on doing so again.

Pupinski · 26/08/2023 23:26

panelf · 25/08/2023 19:42

You sound like a bitch.
Leave equal to all and do not try to control and damage future generations relationships with each other.
And surely if you’re going to be divisive leave more to the child with difficulties to make their life better and don’t favour the already privileged.

👏👏👏

Pupinski · 26/08/2023 23:29

BurbageBrook · 25/08/2023 16:28

Good lord, I thought you were going to say you wanted to leave MORE to the disabled grandchild. Your attitude is quite astounding.

Yep

Pupinski · 26/08/2023 23:34

Curseofthenation · 25/08/2023 15:25

I would probably give the disabled GC 20% of the estate for nice holidays and treats if you really want to stick to this plan. I'd split the rest between the other two GC.

You obviously need to make your two sons aware in advance that you plan to give the majority of your estate to them. If it doesn't go down well, the resentment should be aimed at you and not your GC.

Are both of your sons comfortable? Will they be able to retire at a reasonable age and have they paid their mortgages off? If not, I would leave it to your sons. In the meantime, I would provide heavy financial support to my GC while I am living where possible. You'll get to see them enjoy it and avoid the dreaded inheritance tax if applicable.

Why on earth would you give one grandchild half the amount the others get just because he's disabled??!

I'd understand it if you said he should get twice the amount because he had additional needs that can't be financed by working, but to treat him as "less than" the other grandkids? Good grief!

MustBeGinOclock · 26/08/2023 23:52

Leave it to your sons its the only fair way

Sugarfree23 · 27/08/2023 00:17

@Pupinski logic for giving the disabled GC less would be simply if they have too much money they'll lose benefits and have to live of the money, potentially have to pay their own care bills too. So instead of giving them a leg up. It just means their existing support and funding is cut.

The non-disabled children will be able to use it to support them get on the housing market.

Codlingmoths · 27/08/2023 00:25

If the son you have a good relationship with is the one with the disabled child then you will lose that son too as soon as they find out you think their child isn’t worth leaving money to as they need carers, what else could any good parent do but cut you off at that point?

in caring loving families, people leave things mostly equally EXCEPT with extra for those who need extra help. That
would be your special needs grandson. I think that says pretty clearly what I think of you and your plan.

Codlingmoths · 27/08/2023 00:26

Sugarfree23 · 27/08/2023 00:17

@Pupinski logic for giving the disabled GC less would be simply if they have too much money they'll lose benefits and have to live of the money, potentially have to pay their own care bills too. So instead of giving them a leg up. It just means their existing support and funding is cut.

The non-disabled children will be able to use it to support them get on the housing market.

That is no part of her logic, she’d have mentioned it. I’m surprised she didn’t add it even if she doesn’t care about that and hasn’t thought about that just to try and come across as less of an awful person! But she didn’t.

Tourmalines · 27/08/2023 00:59

Leave it to both your sons . You are complicating things . I couldn’t possibly lie on my death bed in peace knowing I will turn my sons against each other because of money. When the time comes ,go in peace, not revenge.

Pupinski · 27/08/2023 01:07

Sugarfree23 · 27/08/2023 00:17

@Pupinski logic for giving the disabled GC less would be simply if they have too much money they'll lose benefits and have to live of the money, potentially have to pay their own care bills too. So instead of giving them a leg up. It just means their existing support and funding is cut.

The non-disabled children will be able to use it to support them get on the housing market.

Not necessarily. The OP hasn't specified a sum, nor referenced benefits - her rationale is that she doesn't want it frittering away on carers.

If the figure would be enough to affect his benefits it could be put in trust for him, which wouldn't affect his benefits, though the OP thinks this world be too much of a faff.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/08/2023 01:22

You can leave your estate as you choose, of course, and may decide that you want to leave most to your DGD. However, you might cause ill feeling and resentment. You won't be around to witness it but your favoured DGC might not remember you so fondly if she has to deal with it

Mari9999 · 27/08/2023 01:37

OP , none of these people concerned about rifts in the family have suggested that any of these people were deserving of the money only that they were angry with the people who in the opinion of the deceased were more deserving. The epitome of entitlement is to think that shared DNA makes you deserving of someone else's assets.

Not one of these advocating entitlement because of DNA have suggested that the proposed recipients should have earned the resources because of their character, behavior, or treatment of their grandparents.

The fact that people with inflated and undeserved sense of entitlement are willing to split the family further demonstrates their lack of familial caring and concern.

You do not owe them a reward for their indifferent treatment of you during your lifetime. Some might say that they are reaping what they sowed.

Buffs · 27/08/2023 01:55

If you don’t split it equally then there will be a fallout which may well turn into a family rift. Is this what you want for your legacy?

HamBone · 27/08/2023 02:02

I thought there was a backstory, OP. If you have a poor relationship with one son, it’s hardly surprising that you barely know your grandson/his son, is it? Presumably your estranged son kept him away from you during his childhood and he simply doesn’t know you?

Perhaps I’m naive, but I’d see this an opportunity to show that you still care for your estranged son’s family by evenly dividing your estate between your grandchildren. Don’t cause further disharmony after you’re gone.

RitzyMcFitzy · 27/08/2023 02:08

Mari9999 · 27/08/2023 01:37

OP , none of these people concerned about rifts in the family have suggested that any of these people were deserving of the money only that they were angry with the people who in the opinion of the deceased were more deserving. The epitome of entitlement is to think that shared DNA makes you deserving of someone else's assets.

Not one of these advocating entitlement because of DNA have suggested that the proposed recipients should have earned the resources because of their character, behavior, or treatment of their grandparents.

The fact that people with inflated and undeserved sense of entitlement are willing to split the family further demonstrates their lack of familial caring and concern.

You do not owe them a reward for their indifferent treatment of you during your lifetime. Some might say that they are reaping what they sowed.

have you been on the moonshine again, Billy-Bob?

StrawberriesSW1 · 27/08/2023 02:13

Give more to those who actually nurture a relationship with you. They could've decided not to have a relationship with you. Giving simply because of blood relationship is fine but extra for honouring and cherishing the relationship.

RitzyMcFitzy · 27/08/2023 02:15

StrawberriesSW1 · 27/08/2023 02:13

Give more to those who actually nurture a relationship with you. They could've decided not to have a relationship with you. Giving simply because of blood relationship is fine but extra for honouring and cherishing the relationship.

Considering she's been an adult for the entirety of their relationship has it not occurred to you that maybe, just perhaps, she's been the one who's dropped the ball?

RitzyMcFitzy · 27/08/2023 02:17

Who's more likely to have dictated the tone of a relationship: the grandparent or the grandchild?

Think carefully.

VeraMay · 27/08/2023 06:56

Spend it on yourself. Enjoy life. Go on holiday. Take up a hobby.
If family visit take them out for lunch, arrange a family day out to the zoo, whatever you want.
Don't do as my Godmother did and sit in a freezing house, almost starving herself to leave a VERY substantial sum to her grandsons who never visited her.
Leave each son and Grandchild an item of your choosing and give what's left to a charity or charities of your choice.
If you really want to leave the grandchildren money you can't control what it is spent on. If your Grandson with learning difficulties has to pay for a carer to take home then why shouldn't he? The others might well "waste" it on fast cars, alcohol or a luxury holiday.
Lots to think on.

QuickAnon123 · 27/08/2023 07:09

Sorry I haven’t read all the posts but I used to write Wills and your questions are surprisingly common.
Go see a solicitor and talk through the legal parts with them. If there’s not enough money for a Trust, would another grandchild be able to hold money informally?
Lots of people give money to GC over DC due to tax reasons. I would just tell your sons you’re doing it so there’s no shock. It’s crazy how many plan to get inheritance.
Also if you didn’t even go wedding/christening then I wouldn’t feel guilty about not including that GC. Things happen in families and not everyone gets on.
Finally, best advice ever: spend it all on you. It is your life’s money and you can’t take it with you. There’s no guarantees of an inheritance in life and true family would want you to be happy.

SkySecret · 27/08/2023 07:27

You can leave your money to whom ever, or whatever, you want. There’s no rules, though a child of yours would have grounds to contest if they were disinherited, and minded to care.

if you feel you don’t know your grandson enough to leave him money, and don’t want to leave him any, then don’t. I guess it depends whether you care what people will say about you when you’re gone.

If you don’t want to leave money for your disabled grandson, then don’t, but the reasoning about his carer using your money for a holiday makes you sound like a right bitter old hag to be honest. But again, depends whether you actually care what anyone will say or think?

The decision on who to leave it to is entirely yours, though some people could contest it when you’re gone.