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AIBU?

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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 26/08/2023 19:00

Leave both Grandsons the same token amount and the rest to your Granddaughter. Your money your choice but tell nobody.

Zeezee82 · 26/08/2023 19:00

As someone dealing with the repercussions of an imbalanced will (as the main beneficiary) please don’t. Yes the money in the bank is lovely but the guilt is awful!
I know I could give it so it was split fairly, but I know and fully understand their reasons for the Will. It’s a terrible burden. Please consider your DGC in the aftermath

ShellySarah · 26/08/2023 19:01

Leave it to who you want. If the contents of the will aren't divulged until your death no one will know and there won't be any fall out on you.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 19:02

ShellySarah · 26/08/2023 19:01

Leave it to who you want. If the contents of the will aren't divulged until your death no one will know and there won't be any fall out on you.

No, but there will be fall out that affects her favourite GC. If she cares even a tiny bit about her relatives, she wouldn't want to throw a hand grenade into their family relationships.

BabyBlue777 · 26/08/2023 19:03

I think it is mean of any parent to not leave it to their own kids. Skipping them for the grand kids, who may just fritter it all away is horrid. IMHO. Give it to the next in line. Don't leave people out, unless they are not a part of your life.

ShellySarah · 26/08/2023 19:04

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 19:02

No, but there will be fall out that affects her favourite GC. If she cares even a tiny bit about her relatives, she wouldn't want to throw a hand grenade into their family relationships.

Show quote history

The GC who doesn't want a relationship should have made some attempt to see his grandmother in that case. He has nothing to complain about.

BossyFlossie76 · 26/08/2023 19:11

Leave your money to whomever you like, that’s not unusual. No relationship is fair enough reason not to.

However- objecting to paying for carers (presumably required), that’s a horrible attitude. Also, an LD shouldn’t preclude him from a fair share like his sister. Holiday, improvements to his living area, a vehicle or transport upgrade. Don’t write him off in this way, these things that improve his quality of life are very meaningful.

neighboursmustliveon · 26/08/2023 19:24

Leave it equally to your children. On the face of it we are doing ok for ourselves but we also assume there will be a decent inheritance from our parents and have plans (not fixed, we know care might use most of money when time comes), and any inheritance will make our later years more comfortable and ensure we can help our children when they need it. I would be upset if our parents decided we didn’t need their money and gave it directly to our children. More so if they then didn’t treat them the same.

MagicFarawayTea · 26/08/2023 19:26

Sorry, can’t get past the implication that 40 miles is an insurmountable distance which has caused a rift. Mind boggling

curaçao · 26/08/2023 19:26

Leave it 50 59 fir your sons.Anything else will just cause pain all round

MrsCooper84 · 26/08/2023 19:26

Tinkerbyebye · 25/08/2023 14:32

Wow. Where to start

i have a disabled family member, they need support, so part of the holiday package is the cost of a carer, it’s not a jolly for the carer, they have responsibilities towards their charge and are working. So for you to say you would be happy to pay for a holiday for your grandchild, actually you are not because you won’t pay for the carer element so that shows that actually you have no comprehension. Will a token £1000 cut it , No it won’t.

yes you can set up a trust for that grandchild and that’s what I would be doing, make your solicitor and the father trustees or something

as to the grandchild you don’t see, well who’s fault is that you yourself say Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other 40 miles is nothing, why didn’t you make the effort? It works both ways. What about when the child was older, a teenager, where their family invited by you to things? And you probably didn’t get invited because you didn’t make that effort, so why would a child that feels is grandparent wants nothing to do with him worry about inviting you to a wedding or christening

so that leaves your favourite hey, the ‘normal’ grandchild

So yes you are being very unreasonable, either leave it to your two children, or leave it split to all three grandchildren

or Just leave the whole lot to a charity and be done with it

Edited

This.

Longagonow96 · 26/08/2023 19:28

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2023 14:23

You object to paying for the carers to take your disabled grandson on holiday, wow. Maybe leave it all to a charity

This. What an appalling attitude OP

wordler · 26/08/2023 19:31

I’d split it five ways equally between your sons and your DGC - as long as it’s not going to affect the benefits of the DGS with disabilities.

What I would do now though is treat the DGD you are close to, to something now while you are alive to see her enjoyment.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 26/08/2023 19:35

This is all absolutely awful and all your family will hate you after you’ve gone.

Bugbabe1970 · 26/08/2023 19:39

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2023 14:23

You object to paying for the carers to take your disabled grandson on holiday, wow. Maybe leave it all to a charity

This also jumped out for me!
Mean!

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 26/08/2023 19:39

Tinkerbyebye · 25/08/2023 14:32

Wow. Where to start

i have a disabled family member, they need support, so part of the holiday package is the cost of a carer, it’s not a jolly for the carer, they have responsibilities towards their charge and are working. So for you to say you would be happy to pay for a holiday for your grandchild, actually you are not because you won’t pay for the carer element so that shows that actually you have no comprehension. Will a token £1000 cut it , No it won’t.

yes you can set up a trust for that grandchild and that’s what I would be doing, make your solicitor and the father trustees or something

as to the grandchild you don’t see, well who’s fault is that you yourself say Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other 40 miles is nothing, why didn’t you make the effort? It works both ways. What about when the child was older, a teenager, where their family invited by you to things? And you probably didn’t get invited because you didn’t make that effort, so why would a child that feels is grandparent wants nothing to do with him worry about inviting you to a wedding or christening

so that leaves your favourite hey, the ‘normal’ grandchild

So yes you are being very unreasonable, either leave it to your two children, or leave it split to all three grandchildren

or Just leave the whole lot to a charity and be done with it

Edited

Completely agree with this. OP, you sound awful to be honest.

Bugbabe1970 · 26/08/2023 19:41

Just leave it all to your favourite DGD!

cansu · 26/08/2023 19:43

The chikd with learning disabilities would benefit most. He is she will not be able to earn money for the things that make life enjoyable. Leaving this child less would be an awful thing to do.

upanddown22 · 26/08/2023 19:45

cansu · 26/08/2023 19:43

The chikd with learning disabilities would benefit most. He is she will not be able to earn money for the things that make life enjoyable. Leaving this child less would be an awful thing to do.

Exactly, it's really horrible to not be leaving them anything especially. Cannot believe the blatant discrimination as if that child's life is worth less. The Op already said she wouldn't want to pay for carers to assist the grandchild to have a holiday.

Cucucucu · 26/08/2023 19:46

Why do you feel your grandchild with special
needs is less deserving ? In my will
my son who has special needs gets the bigger chunk and he is bound to need the money more .

angela99999 · 26/08/2023 19:55

I'd say leave it to your son or sons as you want. You can put something in the will saying you want the money to benefit your grandchild(ren) though this wouldn't be binding. You do need to leave something saying why you've left it as you chose, to reduce the chance of a successful challenge to the will. Really it doesn't make sense to leave it to directly to your GS with a disability as it would affect any benefits. It's up to you whether you leave your other son out, but it doesn't sound as though this is what you want as he doesn't bother to keep in touch.

pineapplecrushed · 26/08/2023 19:56

leave it to your sons and then you won't have this dilemma?? I mean do you like your sons? Presumably they will decide what to leave their own kids.

anon666 · 26/08/2023 20:08

I really wouldn't do it this way.

Reason being it's your "last" will and testament. Your very last word. You don't get to follow up with reasons, justifications or compromises after hearing other viewpoints.

I think wills have more power to hurt than virtually any other action, because they are so final.

Also their parents will be hurt even more than they are themselves. Its a terribly cruel thing to differentiate a will. Why not leave it to your sons, a bit for the grandchildren and let the sons decide how to apportion from there.

masterblaster · 26/08/2023 20:11

It’s your money, leave it all to the grandchild you like. You don’t need a reason.

mandlerparr · 26/08/2023 20:13

The one grandson may have a problem with his benefits, like so many have said. The other grandson, while completely up to you, it is not his fault that the two of you do not have a relationship. Why would he invite someone based on relationship alone? as far as he knows, you don't want a relationship. Quite frankly, he probably doesn't expect anything from you. Maybe instead of money, you can leave him things he never got like a couple mementos and good copies of pictures and maybe write down some stories about your life and your family for him. (you could actually do this for all them, but I bet it will mean the world to the estranged grandchild.)