Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

A trust set up for the grandchild will mean that any money inherited is not lost due to benefit rules and instead will allow treats and holidays. I am shocked that you would consider cutting out people in this way.

Sooo. You expect a career to pay themselves to accompany a patient on holiday. That seems reasonable seeing as they are paid megabucks.

This.

If you want your money to be the route of all evil and fracturing your family after your death - go ahead.

Otherwise leave equal amounts or leave it to your sons that you should trust you've raised well to treat the DGC fairly.

And a carer going on holiday with your ds is on duty 24/7 for the whole time.
Their costs are covered as a minimum. They would be facilitating your dgs actually going on holiday.

I'd hate to be the favoured one who received it all. I'd actually split it with my siblings and cousins and would think less of you as a Nan for making that decision to be honest.

Split equally between your children. Give GC £1000 each too. Why complicate or cause upset?

I know of families who have had great difficulties where different amounts of money has been left to children/ grandchildren. Even small amounts cause big fallings out. I'd always think very carefully before treating any of my children/ grandchildren differently. It might cause many more problems than you realise, which I'm sure you wouldn't want.

But they'll find out after you have gone. Will they really thank you for treating them differently, or will it cause a huge family rift that goes on for years?

Ask yourself, is it worth the risk?

DH DGM had two children Jane and John and Jane and John had one child each Ian and Billy. John died of cancer at 26 years old. DGM left her money 50/50 to Jane and Billy as Billy’s DF had died. Ian resented Billy being left money and not him. Ian and Billy don’t speak. DGM would have split it 50/50 between Jane and John and not included a grandchild if both children were still living but it still caused issues. Leave it 50/50 to your children and they in turn will likely help their own children.

All names changed.

I would leave money to both your children and then leave the same amount for all the grandchildren regardless if you see them or not. It is not up to you what the money is spent on for them and you can easily set up some kind of a trust for your son who has the special needs as not fair at all to give less to one than the others as the family members are left then feeling horrible when you have passed. Do not be that person who causes a family rift between your children and grandchildren when you are gone as not fair or right. Do not leave a lump sum to one grandchild and leave the others with a tiny amount. I would be leaving the grandchild who has special needs some money to make his life easier as he does not have the option to work and it must be very difficult for the family.

There’s no need to be gentle; it’s your money & you leave it to whom you see fit to leave it too; you can leave it all to your Dgd with the understanding she holds X£s for her Db to be used for holidays; new items he desperately needs; would enhance the quality of his life etc; I know this is feasible because I know a family that did it in similar circumstances.

I would make it clear in your will though the reasons why you’ve taken this action; so that the family can’t contest your will & bring a lot of heartache to your Dgd; she will face a lot of stress & guilt if no one understands the reasons behind the changes in your wishes.

As for the grandson who you’ve not seen & weren’t invited to his wedding etc; do you think you are partially to blame for the distance in this relationship if you didn’t make the effort when he was younger & didn’t visit him; although on paper your his grandparent; to him your a stranger.

I would treat them equally. The leaving one grandchild out sounds like your punishing them for not being close due to living far away as a child. Ultimately this seems to me like you should of made more of an effort, they were a child you were not. My father lives over 100 miles but makes an effort to visit each year and to call.

meant to say for your grandson who has special needs not your son. Please do the right thing as horrible to be the ones left out and really leaves family members feeling hurt.

How can you object to leaving your disabled grandchild money to help him, carers go free to things like the cinema and theatre ect, though why you would begrudge someone who is helping your grandchild live a happy life is beyond me.
If I was his parent I'd be so upset it's like he isn't being treated the same because he's disabled, which is not his fault.
To say I'm flabbergasted is an understatement

It's not your grandchildren's fault you are not close, it's their parents and possibly yours depending on the circumstances, don't punish them.

@GloriaVictoria
Disperse your money in a way that makes you happy. If people reared caring, polite, children who stayed in touch with their grandparents on a regular basis, they would not have to be concerned about grandma only leaving het funds to the loving,caring, and communicative grandchildren. That is the way all grandchildren should be reared to treat their grandparents. Those who do not maintain loving relationships with their surely should not expect to inherit grandma's assets.

These people were not invested in your living and have no reason to expect o benefit from your passing.

With certainty you can put money ins trust for your disabled grandson, that is a given . The question is whether the amount that you are leaving will cause a reduction or loss of benefit eligibility because he now has assets that exceed eligibility limits.

Please speak to a lawyer or solicitor to get advice to ensure that your funds are dispersed in the manner that pleases you. You do not have to worry about pleasing people who never cared about your happiness during your lifetime . You can however be certain that some of them will feel entitled to your assets when you are gone. Perhaps you can teach them in death what they failed to learn during your lifetime.

Give not to hurt those who were not a loving part of your life; give instead to show appreciation those who were there when it mattered.

Please don’t treat your disabled grandchild with a severe learning disability like that, he is cared for by carers on a 24 hour basis which means that the only time he gets to go on holiday is with carers assistance on the plane and at the holiday destination. It’s not a holiday for them, it’s more stressful supporting someone you’re looking after and while it’s amazing seeing how happy they are on holiday, you’re still working and your responsibilities intensify because you’re in a foreign place. The carers come as a package. God forbid you became severely disabled one day, imagine if the only time you could go anywhere nice is with carers because your family cant deal with your complex needs, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.

sorry this just annoyed me!! I don’t know how anyone can spite people with learning disabilities like that. This grandchild would need help the most

My uncle had 5 children and only left money to the two eldest because he said he didn't want the younger three. It caused a massive family rift and tore the family apart. Do you want this?

He would be living in supported living with finance paperwork detailing what the money is being spent on and where it goes, this is to detect and to prevent financial abuse. I don’t know how you can say it would be spent unwisely when your other grand children could also be spending it unwisely. It would most likely go towards his cost of living, his clothes, any sensory toys, any adaptive or assistive devices he needs, it would be spent to improve his life. Do you spent time with him OP? Get to know his likes and dislikes, spend the money on him. Take him out yourself with the carers.

I have a friend with a disabled son who lives very happily in supported accommodation. She's leaving him nothing in her will as the council will just use it all to pay his bills until it's all finished so he won't benefit at all. She's leaving her estate to her other two kids with instructions to treat their brother to holidays etc.
I think you probably should just leave it to your kids rather than your DGC and they can sort it out.

Regarding not paying for a carer to accompany your grandkid on holiday, please bear in mind they may never be able to go on holiday otherwise. Would be such a shame for them to miss out on the opportunity ever, over the cost of carers travel expenses. You could write in a limit/smallprint so they dont take the piss if you're concerned.
Or assign money to days out only. Lots of places give free carer entry/passes already

Leave it to your sons for goodness sake!

Please leave it to
your sons if you have a good relationship with them! You don’t know their financial situations. You will be hated beyond the grave if you play these games with your family. Think about their relationships as brothers and the repercussions. You don’t want to be hated when you are dead! You are being unreasonable and you can make things better at this stage. Please don’t spoil your family dynamic.

Ouch! When you started talking about your grandson with learning difficulties who would likely never work, I thought you were going to leave the lion's share to him and I was about to applaud you as a caring grandparent.

So you're happy about your legacy being spent on holidays for your grandkids, but in order for your GS with LD to enjoy a holiday he would need to have carers with him, so you've decided you don't want your money to facilitate a holiday for him, but it's fine for the others.

As a non-working disabled person he will already be deprived of many of the life opportunities your other grandkids have. Why shouldn't he experience the joy of a holiday, just because he'd need a support structure in place? He probably needs it more than the others. Your other grandkids are able to work so they can afford to pay for a holiday. It sounds to me as though you think he doesn't deserve the same opportunities simply by virtue of the fact that he's disabled. Very sad.

If the support he needed to facilitate the joy of a holiday was, say, a wheelchair rather than a human being, would you be happy for your legacy to pay for that? If so, I think you need to reframe your thinking about disability.

As for your other GC who lives 40 miles away and with whom you've had minimal contact (not, by the sound of it, necessarily his fault but because of family circumstances) - if you want him to remember you when you're gone as the grandparent who didn't care about him then yes, cut him out of your will.

Hear hear, very well said. It made me angry to read that too. Poor grandchild.

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