DP daughter is challenging

[Lakes11]

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

You were picking ice creams as a family?

She sounds like a normal 11 year old to me. Weans are dicks. Yours will be too.

She's 11 and sounds it.

Your standards are too high, and she is acting very normally for her age. I would just remember that before doing anything, and strongly advise you not to raise this with your partner.

How old is the DS and is he yours or yours and DP’s? There’s quite a bit of missing info but it sounds like the age old DP problem as you don’t agree with her parenting and the two of you aren’t on the same page at all. Tbh being shocked about ice cream is extreme.

She sounds horrible. How long have you been together? Have you discussed this with your DP and what does she say?

You completely overreacted about the ice cream though, people are going to get hung up on that for the rest of the thread.

strongly advise you not to raise this with your partner

Why ever not? The partner is the only person to raise this with. It’s a fundamental compatibility issue and one the adults need to discuss.

So you and DP have one child together or do you have one child each? How long have you been together? Are you both female? More info needed.

Is DP worth all the hard work and stress you will have to go through? Think carefully. His child has to be his priority and you will have to fit in around that. Don't entertain any unrealistic expectations of the relationship because you will be disappointed.

Sorry, that should be HER priority. I misread the OP.

Never heard of kids picking icecreams as a family...it's normally everyone for themselves when it comes to that!

Did you post about this before? It sounds very familiar.

I don't think it's unusual for a DC to want to choose their own ice cream ... I mean I'm well over 60 and enjoy choosing my own ice cream, I don't want to compromise on flavour . Same with the crisps ... why weren't you sharing?

To be perfectly blunt, most DC are selfish are expect to be the centre of attention even when they are being lovely.

You'd do that on holiday, where there is stress already?

This child is 11. She will be going up and down and up down with her hormones all the time. I'm sorry but this is probably a tiny blip in adolescence. To escalate it to your partner on the basis of the post is a gross overreaction

Read the post properly, he said she's been this way for ages. Most 11 year olds are not this badly behaved and hormones don't make you behave this badly.

How long have you been with DP?

How old is your child? Is he/she shared with your dp?

Choosing ice creams like this sounds like a road to misery - unless you all want the same specific thing someone is going to win, someone will lose.

They already have a son together.

But we have no information about how long they’ve been together, whether there was a marriage split up, messy divorce, new partner moving in…..we don’t know enough to make these sorts of judgments.

@Pollyputhekettleon - disagree. The post says six months, that is in scope of adolescence not very long.

Plus, seeking attention, wanting own ice cream seem pretty standard to me as preteen behaviour, annoying, and not unusual. If you look at the preteen board on MN there are plenty of posts like this one but not of the OP's mindset.

You sound like a dick about the ice cream, honestly, but this kid definitely shouldn't be so poorly behaved.

If you don't want this aggravation in your life, end the relationship. You dislike this girl and it probably won't get better.

What judgments? That she's been that way for ages? I'm taking his word on that. That most 11 year olds aren't this badly behaved? That's not an assumption about this 11 year old. That hormones don't make you behave this badly? Not an assumption about this 11 year old, just a general statement.

I didn't say anything about why she might be so badly behaved. Yes of course there may be very good reasons for it. Although the fact her mother 'tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times' seems like the most obvious candidate for a cause so far.

'I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.' The implication seems to be the mother gives in to this manipulation. Another prime candidate for what causes the bad behaviour.

Show quote history

Yup,I am,couldn't get past that in the op. So you went in to a supermarket and she saw an icecream she wanted and you said no you need to all pick as a family?!? Wtf. Just pick the icecream you each want. You can eat it at the same time if that's what you want, but choosing as a family is very strange.

Yea you lost me at picking ice cream as a family...why not each person picks what they like

He says: 'It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago.'

I read that as meaning she's been badly behaved for a lot more than 6 months.

She's not an adolescent, she's 11. 6 months ago she may have been 10. Her behaviour is not simply 'seeking attention and wanting her own ice cream'. You're ignoring large chunks of the actually problematic behaviour.

And what's normal on the preteen board on MN is not a reflection of how most 11 year olds are. Obviously people posting there are vastly more likely to be doing so because they have problems.

I’m assuming it was a whole family size box of ice creams, not individual ice creams, hence would make sense to choose something everyone likes.

I was kind of hoping if I pointed that out early on that people might resist the temptation to get fixated on the ice cream though...

Yes exactly that