DP daughter is challenging

[Lakes11]

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

I've ended the relationship. Didn't send too long of a message or didn't blame her in the message. Just said I felt it wasn't working us being together. I just got back an "ok" and that was it.

I mean this kindly, but you really need to take a long hard look at your own parenting, which is sorely wanting too.

You put this awful woman and her child ahead of your own small child.

You allowed him to be bullied and treated poorly by this woman and her poorly behaved child.

This is really dreadful.

Your poor little boy.

He deserves a lot better than a parent who puts their relationship ahead of them and stands by as he is mistreated.

You need to rethink your priorities and put your child first.

Yes I do agree with you. I wish I would have ended it sooner. I just felt bad for my DS because he does think alot of them both and they do get on well most of the time but there are occasions when it's awful like this week you're right it's not fair to put DS through it. He didn't ask for it.
Just feeling sad about it all tonight

Its ok to feel sad.

But you need to realise your child needs you to be the adult and protect them, even if he did like them, they often weren't kind to him.

Your child will learn his self worth and value from how he is cared for and treated by those in his life.

She and her child were sending an awful message to him, as were you by allowing it.

Grieve for sure, but realise this woman and her child were mistreating your small child and that is so very wrong for him.

Thanks for the head wobble I definitely needed it! I guess I'm feeling guilty too because I shouldn't have let it go on for so long when there has been many issues for months.

I just hope this hasn't had a lasting impact on DS. I also need to break it to him that he won't be seeing them again. That's going to be the really tough part.

Channel your guilt into something useful.

Frame your chat with him in very simple child appropriate terms.

X and Y have not been treating us very kindly so I have decided its best we do not visit them any more.

Sometimes adults have complicated relationships and sometimes its best not to be friends any more.

Keep it very simple and do something nice afterwards.

Tell him EARLY in the day and do a favourite activity with him afterwards.

Hopefully by bed time he will have forgotten.

Schedule some nice playdates and stuff for you both to do this week.

The best thing you can do is learn from this.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you establish good boundaries and expectations of how you should be treated.

Your son really needs you to be his best role model.

You can do this.